Here at Sick Chirpse, we do like to entertain conceptions of the weird and wonderful variety, but in this instance we’ve found a plan so dumb that we just had to write about it anyway. It would appear that at least 515 of the world’s biggest retards have dug into their wallets to raise funds, in order to construct a Death Star. An estimated £75,000 has been raised so far, which, if I’m being honest, isn’t bad going at first glance. Please don’t get your hopes up boys and girls: the estimated cost of the build currently sits at around £520 quadrillion.
I’m going to take a little time now to tell you how much money £520q is. Firstly, it’s a 520 with 15 fucking zeros, which looks like this: £520,000,000,000,000,000. Have you ever seen a number that big? No, because, essentially, numbers that big don’t actually fucking exist. To put it into perspective, the current world debt is estimated to be upwards of £27t (£27,000,000,000,000), and that’s just about the greatest value of anything that I can find. If that doesn’t help with perspective, try this: With the money required to build this death star, you could instead buy 125,000,000,000,000lb (that’s 2 quadrillion ounces) of weed (working on £260 ounces for ease of calculation). That’s enough to give every living human on the planet roughly 286,000 ounces of the green stuff for percy.
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Kickstarter, the crowd sourcing site, first published the plans as written by gnut.co.uk, making a plea for environmentalists and mentalists alike to pledge forth their hard-earned money, defending the plans to build a moon-sized spacecraft with a single planet-destroying energy beam ‘in light of continuing threats against planet Earth’. Frankly, any moron that actually put their hands in their pockets to contribute to building a Death Star not only deserves to lose that money, but also deserves the inevitable lifetime of celibacy that these sorts of people endure. The plea followed a petition that was signed by over 36,000 people and taken to the White House, outlining plans for the construction of the Death Star commencing in 2016 as a means of spurring job growth and bolstering national defences. I’m still wondering how national defences are improved when using a weapon that is only capable of destroying entire planets, but this isn’t exactly the greatest flaw in this obscure plan.
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The White House, who — legally — must reply to any petition receiving over 25,000 signatures, said it is happy with the space station it already has. I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m not really sure why the ISS is up there, because, thus far, it’s not actually discovered anything newsworthy, which is alarming considering it was built at a cost of $150b (approx. £95b). Anyway, Paul Shawcross (no less than the White House’s senior space executive) outlined that ‘the administration shares your desire for job creation and strong national defence, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon’. Unfortunate. He added that the US government, who is currently working to reduce the country’s trillion-dollar debts, ‘does not support blowing up planets’. I’m assuming this is based on the American military’s preoccupation with killing most of the people on our own. Mr Shawcross concluded: ‘Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force’. Clearly a clued up chap.
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This isn’t even one of those ideas that’s ‘good in theory but impractical’, it’s a fucking stupid idea. Furthermore, who’s going to run it? Only if it’s the plebs that conceived the idea then I’m in favour, as long as they’re made to stay there.