CHIRPSES

Willing Woman Needed For Neanderthal Pregnancy

Neanderthal

Harvard Professor desperately searching for a woman to give birth to the first ever Neanderthal in 33,000 years. Yeah… good luck with that.

Neanderthal

Are you a healthy woman who enjoys doing things out of the ordinary? Is one of your resolutions this year to embrace all the opportunities life throw’s in your way ? Do you have a womb available to occupy for nine months? Well, if you fit the criteria above then you could possibly take part in a life changing experience and receive worldwide acclaim (and notoriety) in the mean while. As long as you don’t get freaked out too easily and were a massive ‘Flintstones’ fan you’ll be alright.

Well… wanna give birth to the first neanderthal baby in 33,000 years then?

George Church, a leading professor at Harvard school of Medicine claims that he has the means to create clones of the long extinct species. In the latest addition of German magazine Der Spiegel Church elaborated on his own ideas, plans and hopes for the first human pregnancy of its kind that will reintroduced our dodgy looking genetic relatives into society.

Church has argued that bringing back the neanderthal could help find cures to HIV, Cancer and other diseases.

‘One of the things to do is engineer our cells so that they have a lower probability of cancer. And then once we have a lower probability of cancer, you crank up their self-renewal properties, so that they have a lower probability of senescence. [ageing]’

‘I have already managed to attract enough DNA from fossil bones to reconstruct the DNA of the human species largely extinct.’

Church told the magazine.

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The process would involve introducing parts of the neanderthal genome into human stem cells then cloning them in order to make a foetus to be implanted into a willing woman. Essentially the woman would act as a surrogate in an experiment so far from our capacity to digest on a scientific level. From how vehemently the idea of it goes against nature’s progression and the running course of evolution. However, the notion that scientists can reignite life into species that’d been dead in the ashes of time for centuries is an absolute trip.

‘We can clone all kinds of mammals, so it’s very likely that we could clone a human. Why shouldn’t we be able to do so?’

As much as i’d like to see wooly mammoths running down Brighton seafront and dodo’s flocking around Trafalgar square bringing a human into the cloning process gives the idea a more creepy edge. A pregnant woman harbouring a squishy nosed neanderthal baby that’ll grow up with an intellect so diverted from our own is not the easiest picture to put together.

‘Now, I need an adventurous female human,’

Church writes in his book Regenesis: How Synthetic Biology Will Reinvent Nature and Ourselves.

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Even though the only women willing to partake in this would be ones seriously broke or straight up lunatics maybe this could be a chance for an even bigger social experiment. I guess if it’s going to get a bit mental we may as well let the reins go altogether. Let the octomom incubate the neanderthal foetus. In fact, Church should give her twelve of them. She’ll love it! Her eight other children would end up bullying the neanderthals but wouldn’t last too long as the neanderthals begin to eat the human children. Or maybe that tampon sucking girl would be up for the task. Still want attention that bad, love? Let scientists hijack your womb.

‘When the time comes to deal with an epidemic or getting off the planet or whatever, it’s conceivable that their way of thinking could be beneficial,’ he said.

‘They could maybe even create a new neo-Neanderthal culture and become a political force.’

I don’t have enough time in life to explain why this shouldn’t happen. Four words: Planet of the Apes.

Maybe, just maybe, a lady scientist who’s passionate about the restoration of this race would be the best candidate? Rather than expecting any woman off the street to be psychologically alright with the prospect, that the sight of baby neanderthal emerging out into the light of the maternity ward wouldn’t make her projectile vomit into the wall.

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