And that isn’t even the weirdest sexual injury from data that was recently released by the federal Consumer Product Safety Commission, which analyses nearly 450 sex injuries found over six years in the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS).

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The unnamed 17 year old was admitted to hospital, presenting with abdominal pain. He told doctors treating him that he had inserted a pencil into his rectal passage before having anal intercourse without removing the item.

Dr. Robert Glatter, of Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, said when questioned by media outlets about the data:

It’s not uncommon that we see this, but it’s not a daily occurrence.

We’ve had a woman with a head injury and fractured cervical spine, who basically ended up going forward into a headboard. She was very dizzy at the time and was on top of this gentleman lurching forward into a headboard.

Another unnamed man (this one was 62) was admitted to A&E after experimenting with home made cock rings. He suffered ‘penile crushing’ – which sounds absolutely horrific – after wrapping PCVP pipe rings and the ring off a horse halter around his penis. What a world.

But getting to A&E is definitely the right thing to do, regardless of how embarrassing it might be. Glitter explains:

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We see a ton of these. Patients delay and sometimes don’t come in for a few days. The longer you wait, sometimes you can even get septic.

Pepper Schwartz PhD, from the University of Washington reiterates this. She also had some advice for anyone that finds themselves injured in intercourse:

The important thing is not to let yourself panic.

Get it fixed.

Straight to the point – sort of like a pencil? I like it. Not enough to put it in my arse, though. If all of this hasn’t deterred you from experimenting with house hold items, check out our guide to making your own sex toys. You kinky little pervert, you.