Long Live Samuel L Jackson

Samuel L Jackson

The natural miracle of Samuel L Jackson’s face has never been understood … until now! He doesn’t age. His face doesn’t change. Sick Chirpse investigates as to whether his facial features have further implications for the search for immortality.

Samuel L Jackson

Have you ever noticed that Samuel L Jackson is in every film under the sun? You know, that big yellow thing in the sky? Which our Earth circulates? Actually, this analogy can probably stretch to include every sun in every galaxy; known and unknown; he is in everything. Pulp Fiction, Star Wars, The Incredibles and Die Hard with a Vengeance to name just a few within his overflowing collection of film cameos. He’s in Jurassic Park. Remember that? Amazing cameo. He is also awesome at playing a crack head in Jungle Fever. Halle Berry is hot in that film as well; very young but very hot. He’s even in films that shouldn’t be allowed under any sun. Films that people wish they could hide under a rock or bury thousands of feet underground along with James Corden and syphilis. Films like S.W.A.T and Shaft that ooze such terribleness that if you watch them you will go blind and your finger nails will start falling off. And XXX; just no. We don’t include Snakes on a Plane in this because it is not a film. Scientists have proved that it is genetically identical to a camel turd. Fact.

If you ask Samuel though, he will most probably tell you that acting is just like any other job, like working on a Tesco checkout or being a gynaecologist for grizzly bears. He isn’t ashamed. On the contrary, he is quoted as saying “I entertained an enormous amount of people”. Depending on the film, these ‘people’ would most probably have to be narcoleptic Jellyfish. These films are simply ways of showing the planet and the expanding universe the face of Samuel L Jackson. Do you know what is so special about this omnipresent face? It has officially stayed the same since he was 18. He is now 64. Apart from the inevitable lapses into a case of fuzziness due of Morgan Freeman Beard Syndrome he hasn’t aged a bit! How does he do it?

Remember the outrageous scene in Deep Blue Sea where Mr Jackson gets munched by a shark? Apart from showcasing the evident pioneering special effects of the time, this shows that even the most dangerous of creatures can’t hinder the prolonging of his existence. Joking aside, that scene, and the film in general, should be enough to embarrass you in front of your own family. Many agree that the first sign of aging is wrinkles. Well, Samuel’s wrinkles are as non-existent as Keira Knightly’s breasts or Mitt Romney’s sense of empathy. Experts believe that instead of the application anti-aging cream, he just went for the iron straight to the face and voila! No more creases. He may even use some of that ‘Easy-Iron’ washing liquid. More fool you Samuel; that stuff doesn’t work.

The Octopus The Spirit Samuel L Jackson

The second sign of aging is grey hair. Whilst Sammy J does fashion some grey facial edges, they could be mistaken for the current ‘trend’ in which youngsters die parts of their hair in an attempt to look mature. We think they might be mistaking ‘manure’ for mature. Annoyingly, they have rendered hair useless in determining age. Hopefully, along with their idols (every ‘Little Big Brother’ presenter ever), they will live happily in our dreams where we dispose of them like the killer Jigsaw did with his victims in Saw. Understandable really.

The third sign of aging is the erosion of the mind. Really? This guy seems to be getting quicker and sharper by the second; like a Shiv in a Brazilian Prison. And remember, he doesn’t deal in seconds. If he is as immortal as we think he is then time has no relevance to him; as much relevance as cheese has to a coat hanger. This is why he has no clocks in his house.

For almost half a century his face has not changed; similar to a stubborn beach against a burly tide but without the beach and without the tide and just Samuel L Jackson’s stubborn and burly face. Apparently, the immense hardship and pressure of being a Hollywood actor is no match for his steely features. Maybe the cure for mortality is being Samuel L Jackson. Maybe not helpful to the rest of the human race but at least we know there may be a cure. Unfortunately, until we can lure this brute of an OAP away from fighting mythological villains in The Avengers 2 in order to perform experiments on him, we will never know. Shame.

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