Unemployment figures have hit an all time high – don’t worry jobseekers maybe you can’t save up for FIFA 12, but you could save your soul when searching for work.

2012 means that the cataclysmic death of mother earth is near, so it would be nice to earn some income for a decent piss-up with all your mates that also dwell in the swamp of unemployment, or at least one of those expensive ready meals from Waitrose. However, if you’re an optimist perhaps this year could be your chance to redeem yourself and save your arse from the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

We are all guilty of being compulsive liars: we trawl jobsites to search for a future and then prepare CVs or application forms to make them ‘stand-out’, by smothering 2 neatly presented sheets of A4 in polite bullshit. The almighty lord will not forgive such atrocious acts of slander on his day of judgement, so help rid your sins by completing applications with the utmost honesty — it’s your only hope. Get the jist by having a butchers at my application for a lovely telemarketing job.

Why have you applied for this role at (insert generic telemarketing company name here)?

I am sick and tired of the stench of BO at the jobcentre and I need some money to buy The Sopranos DVD box set.

What are you weaknesses?

I make annoying purring noises while eating, concentrating or daydreaming. When going to the toilet I sometimes piss under the door and into the next cubicle if someone I know is in there.

Relevant experience obtained from previous roles?

I used to sell counterfeit GHD hair straighteners on Ebay.  I successfully dealt with customers who had melted their scalps on a frequent basis; I stood firm with my no return policy. I believe this showcased remarkable resolve and an extreme lack of empathy, making me a perfect candidate for this position.

What software skills do you have?

I’m extremely competent at using Photoshop as I graft images of penises on famous people’s heads in my spare time. I also use Google to settle disputes with friends to answer questions such as “do chickens poo out of their vagina?”

Why do you think you would suit the position?

I’m a fantastic brown noser, only get baked occasionally in the morning and wash my face upon request from my parents — putting me head and shoulders above my other friends.

What can you offer our company?

I can offer my ability to pretend laugh at the bosses’ jokes no matter how chauvinistic or racist they maybe. I also possess an exceptional talent in finding hot girls on Facebook to gawp at in the office when on tea breaks.

My application is under review apparently. Fingers crossed eh?



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