LIFE

How To (Legally) Navigate A Street Fight

Some legal, moral and practical pointers on how to survive a street fight. Please note, not all legal advice may be correct.

If you suffer from the unrelenting and persistently troublesome affliction of the ’punchable face’, pray only that your God has not also bestowed upon you the vice of Pride. The dual presence of these traits is a deathly combination for the discerning gentleman, molesting the old adage which claims only two things are certain in this life. Instead, it gives birth to a third, completing a particularly ugly trio: death, taxes and conflict. Rather than provide moral guidance for sufferers of this all too real scourge, I believe the most effective course of action is to provide some practical advice. Please take all tips with a pinch of salt, as it can be used to temporarily blind your opponent when thrown in their eyes.

The Pre-emptive Strike

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Surviving a conflict is a matter of balancing the fine line between the law and your ability to take a punch. Hit him first? Face potential prosecution for Grievous Bodily Harm (aka prison). Wait for him to hit you? You might wake up on the pavement, missing teeth, dignity, but most worryingly, longer-term cognitive capacities. And so I present tip number 1,  simply ask the confronter, “Are you going to hit me?”. If he’s stupid enough to pre-acknowledge his committal of said crime (trust me, he is), then you have full legal permission to proceed to give him a good old biff to the noggin. It was self defence, your Honour.

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