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Finding Your Dole Mate: Why The Job Centre Is The Hottest New Pick Up Joint

Job Centre

And you thought heading for Match.com was the lowest you could sink? Prepare yourself to meet an unemployed honey or hand out hunk.

Job Centre

First and foremost, I know what you’re thinking. There is nothing attractive about those who sleep in their clothes to save on heating bills, consider Jeremy Kyle one of their 5 a day and have more acne than sense, but this is a misconception about the job seeker of 2012. While yes there is still an abundance of pregnant N’Dubz rejects clawing at the doors come ‘pay day’, the Job centre is steadily becoming the hang out of the recently graduated socialite of tomorrow who spends more on clothes from Urban Outfitters than actual food and insists we should ‘fvck the system’ that gives them free money fortnightly. These people are incredibly easy to spot and will either be scooped up by a modelling agency for their skinny frame (due to vomiting up an allowance worth of cider), or may actually ‘make it’ pushing pixels around at some trendy web design company in the not too distant future. So next time you’re trying to get your leg over consider the success story that is Tulisa Contostavlos. Failing which, the following 3 points:

Job Point Isn't Working1. The Job Centre is a soul destroying, black hole of false positivity. All who have entered have abandoned hope so long ago they wont even put up a fight if you try and put the moves on them while eating a packet of pickle onion Monster Munch. In fact, they may even ask you to share them.

2. Having a job takes up all your free time. Time that could be spent smoking your way into a paranoid fog or ordering more pizza than you’re ever going to eat. Either way, if you do it in a couple till one of you chokes on your own vomit, its dead romantic. Romeo and Juliet shit. You could even Instagram a sweet like pic of their contorted face.

3. Pursuing any kind of relationship with someone who cant hold down work means the whole set up is extremely low maintenance. Imagine no bitching about expensive dates for anniversaries, no weekend getaways and no lavish demonstrations of affection (fluffy cat toys etc). In fact, nothing at all, apart from the odd grope and that’s free if you’re doing it right.

Having said all this, do not attempt to nail anyone who actually works there. You may find it amusing to ask if ‘Is there something in particular you would like to do?’ is some sort of  euphemistic invitation but it isn’t because they pity you and pity sex stopped being acceptable the same time auto tune did.

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