Jason Statham vs. The World

Question: how many ways do you think it’s possible to kick someone’s ass? Answer: “…oh wow, did I just get my ass kicked through this YouTube video?? Damn, Jason, you’re good.”

Jason Statham kicks ass.

There’ll be a load of you who agree with me and are thinking to yourself, “Yeah mate, no shit. What do you, want a Pulitzer prize?”.

But there’s also be a bunch of insecure snobs out there who won’t admit to themselves that sometimes, when you sit down to watch a movie, you’re not always looking for a complex and pretentiously deep plot that tries to perfectly analyse the modern western state of mind and satirically poke fun at the constant squabble between governement and voter, who, despite arguing about everything at every turn, would both do exactly the same thing if confronted with the same meaningful scenario of any kind.

Sometimes you just want some mindless, white-knucle action. You just wanna kick back and feast your eyes on a sexy chiselled-jawed hard man knock some inept baddies’ lights out.

And that’s what Jason Statham is there for. His smile might not tingle unfulfilled housewives, his eyes might not be sparkly enough to plaster on pre-pubescent girls’ walls, he may not have an sexy singing voice that makes your girlfriend (whom you are convinced could do far better than you and you are massively paranoid about her getting off with a much hotter guy in any public area you visit) turn to you and say, “I wish you could sing like that”, in a joking, light-hearted way that she thinks you’ll laugh at but actually completely destroys your whole month because every day you’re preparing yourself to find a missed call and a voicemail that reassures you that you’re a lovely guy and will find a lovely girl to spend the rest of your life with, but it just won’t be this particular girl…

…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Jason Statham – boy can he act out an awesome fight scene.

Oh and you know what the other great thing about Jason Statham is? Chest hair.

I imagine that image says many things to many people. But what is says to me, and I hope many other repulsively hairy guys like me, is, “You don’t need to shave/wax it; girls won’t care about the hair as long as you’re ripped to shit.” And that is why Jason’s chest is what I picture when I look in the mirror on my way to the shower, after a pretty feeble session of press-ups and sit-ups, and pat myself on the back.

So I’m sitting here now at 2am, slowly finishing off this bottle of Captain Morgan’s, writing about Jason Statham’s chest, completely comfortable with my sexuality, and completely secure in admitting that I think he’s hella sexy. Him and Harvey from Suits. Harvey is a  sexy male. (But not as hot as Donna. Dat girl got sass.)

Chuck Norris, I’ve never seen any of your movies. To me you just seem like an old ginger redneck with a ridiculously undeserved internet knighthood. Step aside, Chuck, Jason would kick your ass any day of the week.

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