CHIRPSES

Why Human Cryogenics Is Bullshit

Frozen Human Body

‘Stop trying to make Human Cryogenics happen, it’s not going to happen!’ It is nothing but a bad idea and this is why.

Frozen Human Body

We are not ignorant, The Hunger Games was a massive hit, we’ve all seen the bleak dystopian future that lies ahead, so why the fvck would anyone want to freeze their head, to be thawed (I’m assuming in some big space-aged microwave with a shit-hot defrost setting) at an unknown point in the future when the technology is in place to do so?

Theoretically, you could be unfrozen during a massive 80s resurgence. We all know, everything that can be done (fashion and music-wise) has already been done, so we’re just endlessly recycling. Sure there might be hover-boards in the 3080s, but there would also be shit hair and extremely questionable wallpaper, and they might start showing that Hulk Hogan cartoon again. Basically what I’m saying is, it might be like Back to The Future, but in the future, and contrary to popular belief, not everybody likes that film. Even worse, the future could resemble ‘Bladerunner’ and have no fvcking trace of continuity (film buff reference there).

Alcor are the Apple Macintosh of Cryogenics, this may be due to there not being any other companies offering this service that I can find. For the rather extortionate sum of £126,000 for a full body or £50,000 for just your noggin, the guys from Alcor can be there at your death-bed, waiting for you to breathe your last in some hospital. As soon as you cease to be, your body or/and head will be, and I’m not sure of the science here (as it’s pretty much irrelevant), dunked into some liquid nitrogen. Like a banana on a kids science show. Only they won’t demonstrate how you can now be used to hammer nails into a plank of 2×2.

One of the major issues I have with this ‘Cryopreservation’ is; why freeze just the head? It’s cheaper, granted (an option for rich tight-arses), but it is an unbelievably huge leap of faith to believe that in the near future humans will be able to survive without our earthly bodies. Where does your food go when you eat, and other such questions? ‘Man cannot live on head alone’ now, so how the hell will it happen in the future? The human body is one of the few things that hasn’t changed, like, ever. Cars look a lot different today to how they did in, say, prehistoric times (when they didn’t even have engine, and Fred and Barney had to use their feet to propel the thing). The body looks almost exactly the same, apart from the sheer proportion of them that are humongously obese. And if it were so easy to simply cut off your head, then why are we cutting whale-esque fatties out of buildings all the time? Off with their heads, they’ll be fine and they’ve automatically lost 43stones.

Along with the initial fee of… a lot. There is also an additional £500 per anum membership if you want to be in the ‘Daddy cooled’ club. This is to cover cost of having a few of your possessions put in a box in a Kansas salt mine. The idea being that these items will help you remember who you are/were when you get reanimated. Er, PRESSURE! Most people find it hard packing for a 2 week vacay. What the fvck do you put in the salt mine? What if you were going through a fleeting and regrettable sadomasochistic phase and you threw in a gimp mask and anal beads? You’d be disgusted with yourself. You might just think that was what everybody wore in 2017.

The whole ‘your brain may be fuddled to fvck’ element of Cryogenics is also worrying. Who can afford to be brought back to life, back to reality, with diminished mental faculties? Unless you’re Stephen Hawkins, who can spare a bit of grey matter (thinking about it, he would definitely be one to go down the ‘Head only’ route). The boffins at Alcor have thought of something to remedy this little stich, though. They will preserve your Facebook page for you! Yay, imagine how many ‘Invites’ you’ll gather in the space of 200years. Probably a billion or more. It would be annoying going through them, as the events would have already passed. Friend requests would be dead. You’d have to look at those photos of you from 2006 where you’re sweaty faced and glassy eyed in the depths of a K-Hole. Nobody needs that. And if it’s still got fvcking ‘Timeline’ you’d wish you were still frozen (am I right?).

This rant is all purely speculative, as IT WON’T WORK. Seriously, it won’t. They can’t make a margarine that tastes like real butter, so this is a real stretch of the imagination. Alcor have brought a cat ‘back to life’ that was dead for 60 minutes but only a fool would find that a comfort when planning to freeze their dead bod. Everyone knows Cats have 9 lives. Humans, sadly, will only ever have one.

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