Home Alone 2 – a Christmas favourite. But how the hell do the crooks survive the barrage of injuries given to them throughout the film? Surely they’d be dead before the end of the first hour. Let me explain more…

Summer holidays are already being advertised and everybody is back to their repetitive, loathsome selves. Its blatantly New year, but many of our traditions over the Christmas period are dedicated to that month of too much spending and too little remembering what it was like as a kid. It was always a glorious time for film and T.V. Christmas specials, where jolliness and love are rammed down our throats and eye sockets to remind us of a time gone by and how we should be hugging everyone in sight. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Grinch and many others take pride of place in the DVD collection, and none more so than Home Alone 2 — Lost in New York.

On the face of it, getting away from the rigmarole of a family Christmas in a soggy Florida and spending it in New York, possible the most Christmassy place outside of the Arctic Circle (he does exist, heathens) sounds fvcking brilliant. The Pimped Plaza hotel, Duncan’s ‘play-with-everything’ Toy Chest and no parents to tell you what to do.

Epic times.

As a kid watching, my eyes grew large as soon as you see the NYC skyline for the first time. As an adult, and knowing the ‘Macallister family tradition’, this film has become a serious concern. Are these parents really suitable to hold the responsibility of the life of a 10 year old boy? I mean twice, in 2 years, they have neglected and forgotten their youngest son, left him to fend for himself and with nothing more than his imagination to keep him company. Shocking isn’t the word. Lets not forget that the 40-something burglars who almost cleaned out the family home out last year have not only remembered who the kid was, but are out to seek sweet revenge. ON A 10 YEAR OLD!

Luckily, for the audience and Kevin himself, these crooks are dumb as shit. Like seriously dumb as a pile of triceratops shit. Its one nil already guys, let it go and go about your business thieving quarters and dimes from old Santy Claus in the street, changing your name ain’t going to do anything. You’re still the most obvious/lowest skilled tramps in the game.

So here it is. The truth behind the tale. If you don’t want this staple of Christmas joy to be tarnished by mere truth, look away now….

The Sticky Bandits are dumbasses, granted but what are they hiding underneath the rags and overcoats? An Ironman suit? Complete Riot Gear armour? These guys take it in this sequel, and twice as hard as in the first film. Injuries occur around the home. That’s just fact. The odd chip pan going up, a glass gets knocked over, heck, even the rug turning up and heaven forbid, someone trips on it. But in this romp around New York, the severity of the pranks that befall the two ne’re-do-wells is almost unwatchable.

Nothing really happens in the first hour. The Macallisters play their role as uncaring degenerate parents and leave Kevin pissing about with some batteries in the airport, he follows some next guy and gets on the wrong plane. God awful stewarding is also key here, and who knew you could just look all hipster and shit and wangle your way onto a flight to NYC? From there its all sight seeing and blagging the best hotel in town, getting thrown out and being caught by the Bandits.

And so it begins. Here’s the list of injuries incurred during the film Home Alone 2 — Lost in New York. There’s pain, suffering, laughter and a whole load of broken bones. Nothing better to warm the cockles.

The pain/survival rating will be out of 10, 1 being mild discomfort and 10 being certain death…

1. 58mins PUNCH
Possible nasal fracture and mandible fracture (broken jaw)
Pride hurt, but no major injuries.

Home Alone 2

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