For some reason, a website called Fit Pregnancy has decided to release a list of hipster baby names so if you want your kid to grow up and be a rollie smoking douchebag who likes to sit around drinking flat whites and talking about their favourite Sofia Coppola movies then you can give them more than a head start by giving them a sweet name. It’s a way better head start than the accidental Chinese hipsters anyway.
Although arguably this defeats the whole point of being a hipster, as you normally come up with your own stupid name when you decide you want to get involved in that kind of scene. You know, something like Cosmo or Ludovic or Gustav or something because nobody is actually named those names, right?
Fit Pregnancy have justified this list with the following statement, but we all know that it’s bullshit.
‘If you are looking for a baby name that is a little out of the ordinary and defies conformity, then we have a great selection of baby names for you.’
I mean it even sounds like some kind of hipster manifesto? And the site is called Fit Pregnancy, how can a site with a name like that have any kind of legitimacy regarding anything? At least we know we can always get Charles Bronson in to kill all hipsters if things get too out of hand though.
Anyway, if you can stomach going through all of these names then check them out below, with assorted snarky comments of course, courtesy of Elite Daily because I couldn’t really make them any funnier:
To make sure your son is most definitely bi-curious…
He’s the highest ranked douche you know.
You mean echo? Because that’s cooler.
If he’s short, you may as well just kill him now.
What are his friends going to call him? Igna? Think about it…
Yep, your son should definitely try and live up to that one…
It’s like vintage, right?
Like De Niro? But edgier…
More like organ boy, Orpheus and orgy lover.
Maybe he could pull it off if he looks European… and plays soccer.
Why don’t you just name him Holden? Or Caulfield? That’s even edgier.
Like that One Direction girl? That’s original.
Her destiny will be prostitution in a coal-mining country where everyone has a lisp.
She did have a pretty good sex tape…
Once again: Vintage, right?
You can’t just put vowels wherever you goddamn please. It’s not right.
It’s not original. Minnie Mouse and Minnie Driver both had it first.
By her 16th birthday, you can bet she’ll be OD-ing on something…
You can name your son Spotify. No, Shazam!
To match my hipster brother, Roman. Except I’m a girl, so I’m romier.
Suzanne is so 2011…
Dog names always make a comeback.
This will be her whole life: “Not when! Wren!”
Only because Lola is now the name of one too many strippers.