For some reason, a website called Fit Pregnancy has decided to release a list of hipster baby names so if you want your kid to grow up and be a rollie smoking douchebag who likes to sit around drinking flat whites and talking about their favourite Sofia Coppola movies then you can give them more than a head start by giving them a sweet name. It’s a way better head start than the accidental Chinese hipsters anyway.

Although arguably this defeats the whole point of being a hipster, as you normally come up with your own stupid name when you decide you want to get involved in that kind of scene. You know, something like Cosmo or Ludovic or Gustav or something because nobody is actually named those names, right?

Fit Pregnancy have justified this list with the following statement, but we all know that it’s bullshit.

‘If you are looking for a baby name that is a little out of the ordinary and defies conformity, then we have a great selection of baby names for you.’

I mean it even sounds like some kind of hipster manifesto? And the site is called Fit Pregnancy, how can a site with a name like that have any kind of legitimacy regarding anything? At least we know we can always get Charles Bronson in to kill all hipsters if things get too out of hand though.

Anyway, if you can stomach going through all of these names then check them out below, with assorted snarky comments of course, courtesy of Elite Daily because I couldn’t really make them any funnier:

Boys:

Auden

To make sure your son is most definitely bi-curious…

Byron

He’s the highest ranked douche you know.

Enoch

You mean echo? Because that’s cooler.

Gulliver

If he’s short, you may as well just kill him now.

Ignatius

What are his friends going to call him? Igna? Think about it…

Lennon

Yep, your son should definitely try and live up to that one…

Murray

It’s like vintage, right?

Nico

Like De Niro? But edgier…

Orson

More like organ boy, Orpheus and orgy lover.

Roman

Maybe he could pull it off if he looks European… and plays soccer.

Salinger

Why don’t you just name him Holden? Or Caulfield? That’s even edgier.

Zane

Like that One Direction girl? That’s original.

Girls:

Briseida

Her destiny will be prostitution in a coal-mining country where everyone has a lisp.

Farrah

She did have a pretty good sex tape…

Inez

Once again: Vintage, right?

Liora

You can’t just put vowels wherever you goddamn please. It’s not right.

Minnie

It’s not original. Minnie Mouse and Minnie Driver both had it first.

Odette

By her 16th birthday, you can bet she’ll be OD-ing on something…

Pandora

You can name your son Spotify. No, Shazam!

Romy

To match my hipster brother, Roman. Except I’m a girl, so I’m romier.

Suzette

Suzanne is so 2011…

Tessie

Dog names always make a comeback.

Wren

This will be her whole life: “Not when! Wren!”

Zola

Only because Lola is now the name of one too many strippers.