CHIRPSES

Google Unveils Talking Trainers To Try To Motivate Fatties

Google Talking Shoes

Google are attempting world dominance in the technology stakes. Meet their new addition: talking trainers to help motivate fatties.

Google Talking Shoes

Google is home to some of the coolest and most innovative employees out there. Not as good as employees at Burger King but that goes without saying, really, doesn’t it? Google employees are pretty much the best out there because 1) they work for Google – the biggest and most popular search engine of them all, 2) they come up with, and create, really cool, out-there products that wouldn’t even be found in an episode of Star Trek, 3) they took photographs all over the world and allowed us to get our Percy Perv on using Google Maps and 4) by thinking of and bringing their ideas to life, Google employees give Sick Chirpse something to write about.

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If you’re a regular here, then you’ll know all about some of the things Google has brought to life, and some of the ideas Google would like to bring to life. Things such as: Google House View, Google Maps, Google Gaydar and Google Glass. There are loads more and if you wanna find out more about Google’s intended dominance of the web and the world just click here and the Sick Chirpse pixies will give you a guided tour. Don’t catch and cage our pixies, though, because they don’t like it and they’ll cry and piss and shit themselves and we don’t like that and we will find you and we will kill you. With the help of Liam Neeson.

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Google has recently unveiled something completely awesome, again, though. There’s no stopping those employees. They must be fed on a creatine and speed diet. Google unleashed the mothers at the South by Southwest (SXSW) arts festival – which is just about the coolest festival on the planet right now – and what they’ve created will reduce the membership at Weightwatchers and will mean not as many weighing scales have gotta be replaced at Tesco. What Google has now come up with is: talking trainers to motivate people to exercise.

Google Talking TrainersGoogle Talking Trainers 2

This is how the trainers work. They’re fitted with Bluetooth technology, which then enables them to communicate through a speaker that’s in one of the trainers’ tongues and is linked to headphones that the wearer of the trainers will have plugged into their lugholes. The trainers then measure movement and direction and speak to their owner, saying things like: ‘This is super boring’ if the wearer has sat still for too long, ‘That’s more like it’ when the wearer has started walking again, ‘I love the feeling of wind in my laces’ (really gay) when the wearer is running or ‘Are you a statue? Let’s do this already!’ and there’s loads more phrases the trainers like to motivate their owner with.

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What’s gutting, though, is that the trainers won’t be available to buy for some time. They’ve been created to help promote Google’s development of their wearable technology, like Google Glass. These might be the instigators of reduced fatties everywhere and the demise of the pie industry, so let’s hope they do actually come into the market soon.

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