There is no doubt you have all seen the footage of Costa Concordia half submerged off the Tuscan Coast like a set piece for a Sci-fi film. The images seem surreal, illusionary and what could only be conceived from a wet-dream out of the mind of Damien Hurst. Well this is no ‘Giant Octopus v.s Mega Shark’ alright, this is as real as it gets. What will be even more difficult to wrap your head around is the backstory to this mediterranean calamity and how the captain dealt with the emergency.

Obviously this is a very sad situation. There have been a number of fatalities and many people are still missing…but this story has satire written all over it. The absolute incompetency of Captain Francesco Schettino is enough to blow your mind. There is no wonder that he has already been pinned as ‘the most hated man in Italy’, according to Italian news outlets.

Unbeknownst to any of the passengers, Schettino decided to steer the ship miles off-course in the early hours of the evening in order to greet a retired former captain from the coast of Giglio Island. Y’know, as you do. Essentially putting his job in jeopardy for a quick waving session. Giglio island is well charted for its rocky reef but Schettino somehow denies this. His incredibly intelligent defence is:

“There should not have been such a rock.”

It has been reported that passengers observed Schettino drinking heavily with a ‘mystery woman’ onboard before anything seemed to be amiss. After the collision took place Schettino appeared oblivious to the gravity of the situation, calling the coastguard half an hour after the impact.

As the ship dissolved into panic chief Rogelio Barista noticed that Schettino was still sat with his lady-friend. He was waiting food his food. It is just unreal.This man is every negative Italian stereotype rolled into one. Not every day is a fvcking Dolmio day. You can almost imagine this bellend ordering his staff around like some wannabe Berlusconi and singing along to ‘Club Tropicana’ in a drunken haze.

There have also been reports that the theme song of ‘Titanic’ was played in the restaurant as the ship began to keel over. Either an eerie coincidence or whoever had control over the restaurant playlist has an inappropriate sense of humour. Not only that but one of the grand daughters of a Titanic survivor was onboard the boat. One thing is for sure though, Captain Schettino didn’t remain in his quarters like Captain Edward Smith did.

To top off this insane series of events Schettino fled the ship on a lifeboat before many of the passengers could escape. When asked why he did not remain on the ship Schettino constructed the following excuse:

“Since the ship was at a 60-70° angle, I tripped and I ended up in one of the boats.”

When the enraged coastguard ordered this waste of space to get back onto the sinking vessel Schettino complained that it was too dark and couldn’t see anything.

Schettino is currently under house arrest facing charges of multiple manslaughter. Hopefully the bastard will get his comeuppance.