In January 2011 Fernando Torres became the most expensive player ever in the Premier League, signing for Chelsea from Liverpool for a staggering 50 million. Unfortunately for the former Athletico Madrid striker things didn’t go that well in his first season and he lost the ability to score goals on a regular basis, missing the sort of chances you only expect from Emile Heskey. Torres though is slowly starting to recapture his form and whether you love him or hate him he’s here to stay, but apart from knowing he looks a bit like a blonde Spanish bimbo, how much do we really know about the man? Here is an extensive A-Z of the Spanish international. All of which I’m sure is true.
A is for ABBA. His mother and father are huge fans of the 70’s Swedish pop group and their favourite song is ‘Fernando’ although it is unknown whether Torres was named after this particular song.
B is for BREAKFAST. Fernando is a firm believer that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. In L’equipe magazine back in 2006 he was quoted as saying “Creo desayuno es la comida mas importantedel dia” which roughly translates to ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
C is for CORNFLAKES. The breakfast of choice for Fernando is always Cornflakes and he has been known to scoff up to four bowls before leaving the table. Check out what your breakfast cereal says about you.
D is for DECISION MAKING. From a very early age Fernando has struggled to make decisions for himself and could spend up to an hour deciding whether to leave his hair up or down before leaving the house. His frustrated parents grew tired of this and decided to employ somebody to make all of Fernando’s decisions for him, for the rest of his life. This saves Fernando a lot of time, it can however cause problems in a match when he needs to decide quickly whether to pass or shoot. Invariably he makes the wrong choice.
E is for ELEVEN. This is the age where he first missed a goal scoring opportunity playing for his school in his hometown of Fuenlabrada. It was a chance that the front man would normally take with ease but on this occasion he sliced it wide. An action he repeated for most of last season.
F is for FUN. Fernando is always enjoying himself and lives life to the full, he makes use of his spare time by socialising with friends, listening to music and going to the cinema. This proves blondes do have more fun.
G is for GREENHOUSE. When he was young Fernando was playing football in his back garden, after taking a shot at goal the ball sailed over and broke a neighbour’s greenhouse, six doors down to the left.
H is for HERCULES. As well as being a second division Spanish football team, it shares it’s name with a heroic Greek god. Fernando has never faced either during his career.
I is for ICELAND. As well as being a frozen food supermarket, it shares it’s name with a Nordic European country. Fernando has never visited either during his career.
J is for JUDAS. Famous for his betrayal of Jesus, that’s Judas, not Fernando, he became a hate figure for grassing on Jesus to the chiefs for 30 pieces of silver, that’s Judas, not Fernando. He left Liverpool for Chelsea, that’s Fernando not Judas, which isn’t as bad, but did cause some discontent among many scousers.
K is for KELLOGG’S. This is a must for Fernando when eating his cornflakes at breakfast, other cheap brand substitutes will not be good enough. Just ask his mum, when she tried to give him Harvest Morn cornflakes from Aldi one day, he pushed the bowl away and sulked for 4 hours.
L is for LUNCH. The second most important meal behind breakfast for Fernando is lunch, this is swiftly followed by dinner as the third most important.
M is for MONEY. Fernando earns over 100 thousands pounds a week, more than most of his team-mates. It’s a bit like that fucker at your work who does the same amount as you but is on double your salary.
N is for NATIVITY PLAY. During his early school years Fernando would often play the lead role in the Christmas production, playing either Mary or Joseph. One year though, he fluffed his lines on the big stage and his confidence went, only making one more appearance the following year as a Donkey.
O is for OCTOPUS. The eight legged sea creature has become something of a good omen for Fernando over the years. At fifteen he contemplated giving up his dream of becoming a professional footballer until one day he saw an Octopus on television and immediately changed his mind, the rest is history. Also he has a Physic Octopus to thank for his World Cup winners medal, as it correctly predicted Spain to win the tournament in 2010.
P is for PAUL. This was the name of the physic Octopus that predicted Spain to win the World cup. The name of the Octopus Fernando saw on television when he was fifteen is unknown.
Q is for QUEUEING. Acclimatising to life in England has not been easy for Fernando and waiting patiently in post offices line ups has been especially difficult to adapt to, so he simply tells staff he’s a professional footballer and goes straight to the front of the Que.
R is for RAVING. You would be forgiven for thinking that after scoring the winner for his country in the Euro 2008 final in Austria, Fernando would have celebrated by raving until the early hours at Vienna’s hottest nightclub The Volskarten. But that isn’t really Fernando’s scene; he went to hardcore S&M nightspot Club Doreen instead.
S is for SIAMESE TWIN. This is what Fernando could have been if he had arrived from his mother’s womb conjoined with another human being. Thankfully this wasn’t the case.
T is for TAPAS. If you were hoping to see Fernando at many of the Tapas bars in Chelsea, you won’t be in luck, because despite being from Spain, he can’t stand the stuff. He much prefers traditional English grub such as curry, pizza and Chinese.
U is for USELESS. This was the word used by ex Chelsea legend Chris Sutton on the form of Fernando in front of goal last season.
V is for VILLA. How’s this for coincidence, Fernando owns a Villa, his best friend is David Villa and he’s played against Aston Villa.
W is for WIFE. Fernando has one of these, but she has struggled with the culture since their move from Liverpool to London last year, support from his team-mates at Chelsea have certainly helped, none more so than captain John Terry who has offered to show her around on numerous occasions.
X is for XAVIER. This is the name of Fernando’s pet Seagull, which he keeps in a large cage in his living room. He was that taken by the white, loud, crap dropping bird on a trip to the seaside, that he caught one and took it home.
Y is for YETI. There is no chance you’ll ever confuse Fernando with the hairy ape-like crypitd, as he only brings out his razor to shave every 3 and a half weeks. It would take an estimated 572 weeks, that’s 11 years for the Spaniard to orchestrate a fully grown beard.
Z is for ZINC. If you were to ask Fernando what the symbol was for this metallic chemical element he would say Zn, because when it comes to the periodic table, he is top of the league. Fernando has won many periodic table Championships over the years, picking up more medals for this than in his Football career.