Week 38/39 in the Sick Chirpse Fantasy League seen a couple of teams go all out with their transfers in a bid to catch the Top Spot and the big prize money at the end of the Sick Chirpse rainbow. Week 38 was a hit for a couple of teams as Matthew Stewart’s FC Boosh, Alex Taylor’s Leave-My-Arse-A-Lona and Aaron Hicks’ Proud’s Prodders all clocked up a cheeky points. They must have very similar teams though as they also find themselves sat in 19, 20 and 21st in the Fantasy League as they make a charge for some kind of pride by trying to get in the Top 20 end of season figures. Things in the Top 5 haven’t really changed though as Dirty Buffallo still doing their best to improve their season’s best spot of 5th by overtaking Apocolypse Dudes 4th place haul. The Top Three remains unchanged as Trems Trash still leads the charge over second placed Joner and third placed Dunblane Massacres. The crown will go to either Trems Trash or Joner and if you’re a betting man it has to be said that the top boys haven’t been moved for 2 months and it’s gonna stay that way.

Here’s how the games panned out over the last few weeks that seen some big news from the retirement of Sir Alex to the end of Wigan’s love affair with April/May as they are finally and deservedly relegated.

Sat 4 May 2013 – Premier League

• QPR 0 -1 Arsenal
• Fulham 2-4 Reading
• Norwich 1-2 Villa
• Swansea 0-0 Man City
• Spurs 1-0 Southampton
• Baggies 2-3 Wigan
• Hammers 0-0 Toon

Sun 5 May 2013 – Premier League

• Man Utd 0 – 1 Chelsea
• Liverpool 0-0 Everton

Tue 7 May 2013 – Premier League

• Man City 1 – 0 West Brom FT

Wed 8 May 2013 – Premier League

• Chelsea 2 – 2 Tottenham FT

Sat 11 May 2013 – Premier League

• Aston Villa 1 – 2 Chelsea FT

Sun 12 May 2013 – Premier League

• Stoke 1 – 2 Tottenham FT
• Everton 2 – 0 West Ham FT
• Fulham 1 – 3 Liverpool FT
• Norwich 4 – 0 West Brom FT
• QPR 1 – 2 Newcastle FT
• Sunderland 1 – 1 Southampton FT
• Man Utd 2 – 1 Swansea FT

Tue 14 May 2013 – Premier League

• Arsenal 4 – 1 Wigan

  Wigan are relegated

  FT

• Reading 0 – 2 Man City FT

BIG HITTERS

We could’ve easily gone with the whole Aston Villa team who in the last few weeks have sured their Premiership survival for another year after Sick Chirpse spent most of the season ripping the piss out of them. We could’ve gone with Chelsea who booked their place in the Champions League at the expense of the Yid Army. We could’ve gone with Sir Alex bowing out of the game after 50 million years at the top. Or Frank Lampard doing his best to eclipse Bobby Tambling’s record and become top Chelsea goal scorer. Even Paulo Di Canio for doing his best impression Mussolini as he guided the worst half of the North-East to another torrid year in the top flight. But, in the end, it shouldn’t come down to what the teams are doing but the points that people are scoring cos that’s all the Sick Chirpse Fantasy League is really about.

The first mention is that horrid little troll Maloney who took some time out from being that fat bloke who follows Danny Dyer around on Football Factory to guide Wigan to FA Cup Glory at the expense of their Premiership survival. He’s second in the form table over the last six weeks with 46 points so anyone who popped him into their up front for a cheeky 4.5 million has surely been laughing. No goals but a boat load of assists in the last few weeks has seen him show off his talents to potential suitors that must include all the promoted teams and other shit teams who somehow managed to stay up this season. Second mention goes to the man filling Luis Suarez’s boots after his recent nashing fiasco, Studge. Daniel Sturridge has looked a changed man over the last few weeks being third in the form table on 45 points across the last 6 weeks to take him to 101 for the year. Including 14 points in Liverpool’s thrashing of Newcastle and his first ever competitive hat-trick against a lowly Fulham totalling 17 points for that one game. Finally, as Arsenal do their very best to book their fourth place and possibly even third place play-off versus Chelsea, Santi Carzola decided to notch up 4 assists in the week for all 4 goals that the Gooners bagged. I appreciate Andrei Arse-Shaving once scored 4 in a much bigger game – but let’s be honest he’s only actually good on FIFA so he can snuff it.

BIG SHITTER

A lot of easy shouts for the big shitter over the past few weeks…we could’ve gone with Wayne Rooney who has pretty much booked a trip out of Manchester after sitting on the bench moaning for the last few weeks, we could’ve gone with JT just for getting into the full-kit-wanker daze again the other night, but in reality all of this pails into insignificance when you look at how Roberto Mancini’s season has ended.

On the anniversary of arguably Manchester City’s biggest victory ever just a year before, Mancini was given his marching orders by the Man City big dogs. The man who guided them to their first trophies in a very long while was given his marching orders despite securing second place when his Manchester City team were beaten 1-0 at Wembley by a team who will struggle to get back out of the quadmire of the Championship next season. According to every shitty paper around England the Manchester City players even celebrated their FA Cup loss as they knew it would mean the tenure of the Italian being up pretty soon and that just sums up how that club are currently operating. Mancini was so incensed after his teams poor performance that he stopped taking his meds at the end of the first half and was seen to be warming up in a full Leicester kit just after Zabaleta was given his marching orders. So, when you add mental illness to the list of poor old Roberto’s qualities then I’m wondering whether he will be able to get a job now…poor bloke.

This is what you can look forward to in the final week of the Premiership Season:

• Chelsea v Everton 16:00
• Liverpool v QPR 16:00
• Man City v Norwich 16:00
• Newcastle v Arsenal 16:00
• Southampton v Stoke 16:00
• Swansea v Fulham 16:00
• Tottenham v Sunderland 16:00
• West Brom v Man Utd 16:00
• West Ham v Reading 16:00
• Wigan v Aston Villa 16:00

If you really wanna try and catch the Top 5 in the Sick Chirpse then your best hope will probably be that the results go this way and that you’ve got a load of Arsenal/Chelsea players as you might get an extra game out of it:

• Chelsea draw 0-0; Arsenal win 2-1
• Chelsea draw 1-1; Arsenal win 3-2
• Chelsea draw 2-2; Arsenal win 4-3
• Chelsea draw 3-3; Arsenal win 5-4

However, back in the real world, David Moyes and Rafael Benitez’s final games in charge of their respective club ends in a Chelsea win to secure third place. Liverpool beat an all ready relegated QPR team as ‘arry begins to plot his way back up next year at debt-ridden Rangers. Man City beat Norwich despite not having a manager. Arsenal sneak a 2-1 win away at Newcastle in the dying minutes to secure Champions League football at the expense of their North London rivals, Spurs, who managed to convincingly see of Paulo Di Canio’s Sunderland. Southampton and Stoke play out a horrible game that Ricky Lambert settles with a penalty to stop the horrible Stoke breaking into the Top Ten with their anti-football bullshit. Michu caps a wonderful season with the help of England hopeful Wayne Routeledge assisting to help Swansea see off Fulham. Fergie caps off his career with a 3-1 away win the sees Man Utd come back from being 1-0 down to a Lukaku goal. The Hammers and Reading face off with a draw but both teams play like it still means something which is quite refreshing on the final day. Wigan and Villa battle it out to see who can be the worst team to watch in the Premiership, Wigan win, and the game. Well done – you’re all ready down.

Here’s how the Sick Chirpse Fantasy League looks going into the final day of the season. Good luck fuckers:

Super League Table

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