Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, which means for many of you it’s time to unleash and indulge your inner freak. Here’s a list of 10 disturbing sex toys to get you properly in the mood.
10. Disposable Canned Vagina
What, never heard of it? Pretty much a watermelon in a can that you can stick your dick in and then throw away afterwards.
9. The Cannon
The cannon, which I guess you’re supposed to sit on, is approximately the size of Argentina. Also doubles up as something you can use to beat the shit out of any home intruders.
8. Strap On Chin Dildo
Stick on some classic head-bopping tunes and get a face full of the action while using your chin to thrust a dildo into your partner’s orifice.
7. Mr Jack Mouth With Moustache
Quite possibly the most twisted thing I’ve ever seen; it looks like someone has caught Freddie Mercury mid-chorus and crystallised him into a dodgy orgasm-inducing piece of machinery.
6. Vladimir Putin Butt Plug
Shove the head and upper torso of one of the world’s most ruthlessly powerful men straight up your butt hole. Probably won’t be such a deep blue after a few uses.
5. Bacon Condoms
The holy grail for bacon lovers across the world. “Make Your Meat Taste Like Meat!” is also an A+ slogan.
4. Hooded Spandex Full Body Binder Sack
Still not entirely sure what you do once you’re all packaged up in this thing; roll around on the floor like a worm having a seizure? Or is it some twisted game where you have to escape before your would-be lover makes off with all your belongings?
3. The Squildo
Straight from the reaches of that fucked up Anime porn you ‘accidentally’ watched that time on PornHub. Can certainly appreciate the slimy-looking texture of those tentacles and the abundance of colours in there.
2. Orca Dildo
Why settle for your bang average dildo when you can go ahead and get yourself one modelled on a killer whale’s penis?
1. Cyberskin Handjob Stroker
One for the single lads this V-Day, why beat your own dick like every other Saturday night when you can put a plastic case over it and feel like someone else is doing it instead?
Well, that was fun. Let’s never do that again.