I had to teach myself to like coffee. I used to work in an office that ran on it. I’d feel like a complete bell-end every time we had a Pret ordered in and I asked for “just a hot chocolate please”. I may as well have gone to work in a pinafore with a lunch box full of Haribo. So, as a new years resolution, I manned up and ordered a latte. Two years later and I’m in the grips of a full on caffeine addiction, headaches and all that.
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Now that all seems like a complete waste of time as an American TV show is set to feature a couple from Florida who have completely bypassed the traditional method of ingesting their coffee fix orally. No need to teach those taste buds when you can pipe your morning Joe straight into your arse. That’s right, Mike and Trina literally can not let a day go by without greasing up and giving themselves a coffee enema.
This can’t be healthy. First of all, on a mental level, what drives a person to this level of depravity? Trina mentions that she can’t drink coffee because it irritates her gut. Well a lot of people aren’t too good at handling certain food-stuffs Trina, but you don’t see the gluten intolerant trying to ram a few slices of Kingsmill into their colon now do you?
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Secondly, a quick Google search tells me that coffee is acidic, hence the bitter taste. This isn’t a problem for the rest of us, our stomach linings are used to dealing with much stronger acids, but I’m not so sure the lower intestine was ever intended to be used as a receptacle for corrosive liquids. We can be quite sure in assuming though, that a few years worth of ass-presso’s will eventually lead to a colostomy bag becoming a major part of your life.
Husband Mike admits to being grossed out at first, but then I’m sure he remembered his nuptial vows (for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til Gastrointestinal related death do them part) and jacked up right there beside her. He humourously informs us that, once finished, you have to get your backside to the toilet quick: “It comes out like a torrent!” I’m sure it flippin’ does Mike, but that was one mental image I did not need today, thank you very much.
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The couple are part of a show that appears to feature a whole host of deranged Americans with equally insane addictions, including a woman who eats cat hair, another woman that drinks litres of her own piss and a guy who loves to bust a nut over his car. Every one of them absolutely living the American dream! Here’s a peek at the episode involving our coffee bumming couple: