First up, let me say that this post is not original. Since its release in 2008 this film has been covered on a variety of websites and v-logs and probably magazines and stuff, and everything I could say about it has already been said by someone somewhere. However, it’s still not even got 300,000 YouTube views and it was only brought to my attention this week so I’m gonna bet most of you haven’t seen it either. I’m just doing my bit to make this film and everyone involved household names the world over.
It got made independently in 2008 but when it started to develop a cult following due to its hilarious awfulness a slightly more professional company picked it up and made a theatrical trailer for it, which is why this seems to have an almost acceptable production value. Here’s the trailer:
Your reaction was probably the same as mine: “This is clearly a joke. It’s a satirical comedy sketch. No one could genuinely make a film like that. Plus it’s such a massive rip off of Hitchcock’s The Birds” (I wish I was film-educated enough to think that last part).
But no. This film is completely serious. The director is James Nguyen, a 46-year-old Vietnamese man and he is completely serious about trying to be a serious filmmaker and has dreams of making it in Hollywood and being the next James Cameron or something. Any time you’re watching any of this film thinking, “Nahh, come on. This has to be a joke” – stop. It is not. Look up some interviews with Nguyen on YouTube if you don’t believe me. So remember, we’re not laughing with it, we’re laughing at it. It’s much funnier that way.
Now, on to the film itself. The worst film ever made. That trailer raised the standard a little. Think really bad. Think awful. You’re not thinking bad enough yet. Think worse. Think $10,000 budget. Think most of that was spent on hiring the main guy’s car.
Oh god, the main guy. Alan Bagh – remember the name. Hey, all you Sick Chirpsers – what do you do for a living? Lawyers? Scientists? Marines?Astronauts? Maybe I’m overestimating the Sick Chirpse demographic slightly, but most of you are not actors. You don’t like acting and you’re not good at acting, so you don’t want to pursue a career in acting. You are a better actor than the leading man in this film. Remember your Christmas/Chanukah/whatever play in primary school. What part did you play? I was a tree. I had to go to the toilet in the middle of my scene – I couldn’t even play a tree. I was a better actor in that play than the main protagonist in this film. It is actually scary how wooden and emotionless a person can be. He really puts my tree impression to shame.
The other actors are also terrible but no one is as bad as Alan. Half the time they don’t even know their lines. There’s so many dialogues with people taking strange pauses to remember their lines or just fvcking them up. Even the best actors fvck up their lines sometimes, but normally a director would just shoot the scene again. Not Nguyen. No, he just yells “That’s a take! Next scene!”
Then there’s the plot. It’s completely retarded. Basically the luckiest, most boring people in the world hook up (and it takes like 40 minutes) and then global warming causes a bunch of exploding eagles to attack their town and they spend the rest of the film firing machine guns at America’s endangered mascot and abducting children, until suddenly it all ends. I think Nguyen thought Hollywood would like it if it had underlying environmentalist tones. The problem is that they’re not underlying at all – they’re completely preachy and in your face and don’t even flow into the story. And the other problem is that no one involved in the film has the first clue about what global warming is and any explanation they try to give makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Then there’s the editing. Any time anyone isn’t speaking, which is quite a lot, there is the sound recording from the camera. Any time someone opens their mouth to speak, the microphone gets switched on. So the audio is constantly being switched on and off. How could they possibly think that was acceptable? As soon as you here the first line in the film – “Hi.” – you’ll know what I mean. It’s like that the whole time. And the CGI, or rather, vertical gifs of the back of birds plastered equidistant across the screen, has to be seen to be believed.
How is it possible to be so delusional about your talents as a director, actor or filmmaker? All it should have taken was for just one person out of all the people involved in the entire process to realise that this film was the biggest piece of crap to ever be made. It baffles my mind.
- 4:23 – The first scene. Turn up the sound to let that flawless sound editing take maximum effect. Stay with it for a few minutes to see the most romantic conversation you’ve ever heard. Doesn’t it give you goosebumps?
- 10:30 – The most realistic insight into the world of a salesman you will ever see. What’s the best way to secure a million dollar sale – your biggest ever? Give the buyer a 50% discount on something worth 2 million dollars. Wow! That’s genius, I never would have thought of that. I guess that’s why he’s the one with the Mustang and the supermodel girlfriend. Oh, and then his co-worker comes in and fucks up his line but it still makes it into the final cut.
- 16:50 – A guy sells him a solar panel. This isn’t a foreshadow to anything. It doesn’t get mentioned again. There’s a scene where a guy sells him a solar panel. That’s it.
- 17:37 – Step back and appreciate that for a 3 seconds of your life you watched a photograph of the side of a house in Silicon Valley, San Francisco.
- 21:13 – You know when you started learning French in school and you learnt how to say “I like to go to the cinema and I like to see my friends” and really boring stuff like that that you’d never actually say in English. Well this is what James Nguyen considers riveting dialogue.
- 26:15 – Wait for the most awkward thumbs up ever recorded on camera.
- 28:10 – …
- 39:30 – More beginner-level French.
- 42:05 – 2 minutes of awkward dancing.
- 44:26 – 1 minute of softcore smut.
- 46:40 – Birds! Birds everywhere! Exploding birds!
- 50:15 – The coat-hanger scene. The best scene in the film. You’ve never seen CGI like it.
- 53:00 – They shoot some birds with guns and abduct some children. (Err, excuse me, Mr Nguyen? Why was the kid in the boot of that car?). Also, note all the other cars on the road, as people go about their lives like nothing is happening. Was it so hard to find a quiet road to shoot the scene?
- 58:47 – The picnic scene. There are killer birds up in the sky, so what’s the best thing to do? Yes, that’s a great idea: have a picnic in a wide open space. Oh and strictly NO talking. The birds will hear us if we talk.
- 1:00:10 – Dr. Jones (really?) attempts to remember his lines, which attempt to explain the plot.
- 1:07:10 – They try to abduct some more people before getting vomitted on by the birds and then dying.
- …more stupid stuff happens….
- 1:30:00 – The birds leave. The end (eventually).