The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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hornypony

I used to watch the mucky 10-minute freeview religiously as a horny pre-teen. One night the 10 minute freeview just rolled into actually softcore porn, someone was paying the subscription…and that’s when I discovered my dad was probably wanking as much as me. Good on ya pops!

hydrodrop

I drive uber in my spare time and have different radio stations set for each “type” of customer I pick up. I’m on a 5 star rating!

Cabbots

I recently hooked up with the girl I lost my virginity to almost 10 years ago. As we were fucking and getting nostalgic she turns around and asks me to put it in her butt. I didn’t tell her this but it was actually the first time I’ve ever done anal. So obviously I absolutely exploded in her bum for the first time. Not trying to show off or anything but I think it’s pretty cool that this girl is part of 2 of the most important moments in my sexual history and both 10 years apart. First pussy and butt my wimpy penis has ever felt.

maxilla

The older i get, the uglier i get. I used to get laid a lot. Now I’m lucky if it’s once every three months and the other person is drunk.  This is only getting worse.

Syxpac

Once I asked for the number of a girl that served me at a drive through. She smiled and said OK then went off to grab a pen. As I see her coming back her manager (big pissed off woman) comes to the window and says “What’s wrong with you! She’s 16!” I drove off without my food

Tim W Crap

You guys obsession with Amanda Holden is proper weird and kinda creepy. She’s not even fit. I swear you boys seem like the biggest drips!

Danldn89

Every now and again I realise what a bum I am and how much time I waste being unproductive, and I get all excited with ideas about going back to uni, hitting the gym, making money etc. It lasts about an hour before I’m smoking weed and downloading movies again

bbbbbb

Whenever I go to a wedding, my go-to line for any single girl there is “hasn’t anyone ever told you you’re not supposed to show up the bride on her wedding day”. Works every time.

Sort_it_out

I’ve lived at my house for 20 years and still confuse which drawer has underwear and which has socks

rahdigga

I sometimes dig holes for a living, and the only thing that gets me through it is the hope of discovering some ancient artefact that’s worth millions. Well, that and the joint I smoke before work every day.

PLeisure

I’m not quite ready for a finger in my bum hole but I’ve reached an agreement with the girlfriend where she gently rubs my hole while wanking me off and it feels great. I recommend it for those who are stlll a little nervous about ass play.

ddxxuu

I pretend to read orders off my phone at McDonald’s so the server doesn’t judge me (I’m fat)

Sinkorswim

Took an important business phone call at home, desperately needed a wee about 10minutes in, and not the type of call you can just ask to ring back in 5. Relieved myself in the sink while on the phone to my potential new boss so they wouldn’t hear the echo of my piss hitting the toilet water. I’m a chick.

Boogz

I used to work a telesales job where the guys would play ‘marry, fuck, kill’ with the girls in the office. Most of the girls knew about it and were cool with it, but it was kept a secret from one particular girl (let’s call her ‘Anne’) who was pretty uptight all the time. Anyway, one day on our break I taught the game to the new guy at work and he says “Can I fuck and kill Anne? She’s got the best tits but fuck me is she annoying”. Well Anne was round the corner and heard him say it. Long story short – he got fired, I got suspended, but my (male) boss took me to the side afterwards and said “the game is fine, your timing wasn’t”. Legend.

GSK

I don’t like people

jerrmz

I’ve got a separate Instagram account that my girlfriend doesn’t know about where I just follow girls and models from around the world. I’m terrified I’ll one day forget to log into my normal account when we’re together

Mr420

My girlfriend kisses her family on the lips and it really creeps me out, except for when she does it with her mum who’s a milfy 48 year old. There’s no way her mum doesn’t understand how a 21 year old’s brain works and a part of me thinks she wants a threesome with me and her daughter. I think about it all the time and it’s driving me crazy

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!