I was more than ready to let this go, but recently I literally cannot go on facebook without seeing some retard on my friends list going on about the book 50 Shades of Grey.  If you haven’t heard of it then you must live in a cave and therefore I am envious of you. Not just because you don’t have to listen to slags on the internet talking about the only book they have finished since leaving school, but also because of your cool, cave-dwelling bohemian lifestyle.

50 Shades of Grey started out as Twilight fan fiction. If you haven’t read any fan fiction (aka you are a normal human being) they are stories written by fans of the original subject matter which are put online for other virgins to read. But for the most part they turn into sex stories written using other peoples characters, based in an already existing universe thought of by someone else.

For example imagine a Lord of Rings fan fiction where Samwise fists Frodo using a potato on the top of mount doom (PO-TAE-TOES, fry ‘em, mash ‘em, fist with ‘em). Or a Big Bang Theory fan fiction where Sheldon fingers Penny while playing a Sega Dreamcast balanced on Raj’s lap while he watches silently on, pleasuring himself and weeping. Or in this instance a Twilight version where Edward ties Bella up and does all sorts of kinky sex shit to her. E.L. James’ bondage fan fiction got so popular online it was eventually picked up by the publisher Vintage and turned into another boring pop culture reference for people to talk about at work, now they have momentarily stopped sucking on Simon Cowell’s mass produced entertainment teat.

The grossest thing about this book is that it’s basically smut for your mum. Dwell on that concept for a little, this book is written to make your mother wet while thinking about being spanked and roughly penetrated by someone in a book. If that isn’t enough reason to want to kill anyone who mentions it then I don’t know what it. What really depresses me about this whole thing also is that the writer Bret Easton Ellis who has written a shit ton of great books (Less Than Zero, Rules of Attraction, American Psycho) said on twitter that he would like to write the screenplay for a film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey. There really isn’t much of a positive spin I could put on this. It’s just a shame, like finding out a celebrity you used to like is now a scientologist (Jason Lee why? You are Earl for Christ sake, why ruin it?).

Written by a British author but set in Seattle, 50 Shades contains a load of British slang terms that would seem really cringey coming from an American. This includes the quote ‘Laters Baby’ which has become a sort of slogan for the book. Who says ‘laters’ even in the UK anymore? ‘Laters Baby’ has been put onto a bunch of t-shirts and jewellery and all kinds of stuff so people can show off about their shitty taste in books. Stick 50 Shades of Grey or ‘Laters Baby’ into google and you will see just how much ‘merch’ exists out there. Seems strange considering the sexual subject matter, you don’t see many guys walking around with redtube or pornhub t-shirt’s on, or proudly displaying the fact they are into interracial midget orgies by having it emblazoned onto a hat.

Here’s some advice for anyone who has purchased or read 50 Shades of Grey, read an actual book. Not a children’s book about a wizard. Not a teen series about a vampire and a werewolf. Not a poorly written soft-core erotic novel for menopausal housewives. Read an actual book that is written for adults by a real writer. You wouldn’t turn on tv and watch programmes made for children so why do the equivalent in literature?

If you WOULD do this then sterilise yourself, it’s 2012 and you aren’t ‘crazy’ or ‘random’ for watching Spongebob Squarepants, you’re a fvcking idiot. Buying a badly written book is just like paying to see a badly written blockbuster; it encourages more to be made and makes it even more difficult for good writers and film makers to get any exposure.

If anyone you know is reading this ‘book’ then next time you see them be sure to give them a disc full of the most sadistic, weird pornography you can find on the internet. If they complain just say you noticed they were reading 50 Shades of Grey and assumed they were into that rough shit now, then smile and walk away like the smug, self satisfied literature critic you now are.