There’s just something about entering into a relationship that changes a person. I don’t know whether it’s because of excessive bumping of uglies detracting blood flow from the brain to the genitals, but sooner or later something always makes our once intelligent and fun singleton friends morph into one half of a grotesque freakshow nicknamed relationships.
We all know at least one intolerable couple we can’t bear to be around, but the nature of their distastefulness varies from duo to duo. So let’s take a look at the different types of couples we all love to loathe and see how many you recognise. And if you don’t recognise any then.. well, this is awkward…but chances are you’re one of them.
5. The Inseparable Pair
There was a time when you and your friend (for the sake of ease let’s call her Betsy) used to have a whale of a time. Nights out were crazy, she’d be the first person you’d call and the best person to hang out with.
Now, you can’t go anywhere without seeing fucking Gene’s ugly mug right next to her. You go the cinema, guess who’s there? Gene. You go get a bikini wax? Oh, look who’s lurking next to the used strips. It’s fucking Gene. You’re telling the girls a naughty story at the pub about the guy you’re seeing and a voice pops up saying “This is so uncomfortable”. Shut the fuck up, Gene, nobody invited you.
4. The PDA Couple
This common breed is usually found in the first six months of their relationship. Unschooled in the nature of common social courtesy, the PDA couple are competing for a world record for the most amount of skin touching another person at any one time. Be it at dinner, on the bus or at Granny’s funeral, this gruesome twosome are stuck to one another like white on rice. As if the wandering hands weren’t enough, onlookers must be subjected to lecherous bedroom eyes and giggle-inducing mutterings
“Oh stop it Derek, you are sooooo naughty”
The PDA couple also have a massive presence on social media and shove their love down your throat like food down a foie gras goose.
“Love you my one true love. 10 days today since we met <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 xxxxxxxx”
Instagram fares no better, inundated with couch photography of limp roses sent to doors and standard-issue cuddly toys given to 27 year old women. Ugh, what are you trying to prove?
3. The Boring Spouse
Your friend is hot, clever, funny and kind and could easily have the pick of the room. You are itching to meet their fabulous new partner you’ve heard everything about but when you finally do you are incredulous. Ok, they might be alright looking but they have all the charm of a spoon and the humour of a wet egg .When your friend excuses themselves to the bathroom, leaving you alone with Boring Spouse, you are filled with the kind of dread Mickey Mouse must have felt in Fantasia when those evil broomsticks started multiplying.
2. The Fighters
When they arrive at a party they haul with them the uncomfortable air of a fresh fight. Their attempts at smiles are clearly grimaces. Within minutes, your friend drags you to the next room to bitch about what an arsehole her boyfriend is. A few drinks in, and the whispers of complaints turn into loud, snide comments hissed through gritted teeth across the table. Yet more drinks lead to a fully fledged screaming match. You titter nervously as an Englishman is wont to do when social norms are cast to the wind and raw emotions are shown in public. You desperately try not to take sides as each competitor attempts to sway you of their superior argument. Week in, week out and the fighters continue to do what they do best. You start to wonder if all this fighting isn’t just some weird perversion on their part and question whether your mediation is playing a lead role in their kinky foreplay.
1. The Power Couple
He is a billionaire philanthropic rocket scientist, she is a charitable super-model neuro-surgeon, nicknamed ‘Mother Beautiful Perfect Woman’ in some far-flung country where she has saved over 10,000 children with her bare hands. Ostensibly they are the most aspirational and perfect couple imaginable and you hate them for it. You just know he doesn’t fart in his cupped hand and force her to sniff it. You can tell she would never give him the silent treatment for cheating on her in a dream. Their inhuman veneer of perfection is irritating but you can’t really hate them because they’re so damn nice.
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