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14 Reasons Why Hugh Hefner Completely Sucked

Not as cool as you think he is.

You’ve probably heard by now that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner died earlier this morning at the age of 91 and your timeline has probably been inundated by a bunch of people you know posting about it saying stuff like ‘RIP wot a legend, wish I wiz im’.

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Yet it turns out that if you think about it for a second there wasn’t really anything that cool bout Hugh Hefner and all he did was make a whole bunch of money out of exploiting women, and then on top of that he acted like one of the creepiest, grossest men of all time and nobody really did anything about it because it was kind of kooky and flamboyant and the girls actually seemed like they were enjoying themselves. Well, it still kinda sucked and I hope that the practice doesn’t continue now that he’s dead.

In case you’re unconvinced of how much Hugh Hefner completely sucked, here are 14 facts about him that illustrate this fact:

1. The Playboy Bunny Initiation Involved Having Sex With Hugh

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I mean this one kind of speaks for itself. I think any club/organisation that requires you to have sex with its founder to sign up is a little on the creepy side. Even Scientology doesn’t make you do that.

2. Being One Of Hef’s Girlfriends Is A Full Service Full Time Job

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No ducking out on this one. Be it morning, afternoon or night, if Hugh feels like a blow job or some anal, then you have to get down on your knees or bend over.

Again, I don’t really feel like I need to explain why this is completely revolting behaviour.

3. Bunnies Get A $1000 A Week Clothing Allowance

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You gotta look good for the main man Hugh, and that includes fancy underwear. Apparently if they spend any of this money on ANYTHING else then it’s an immediate boot out of the mansion. See ya bitch!

4. Girls Are There To Be Looked At, Not To Speak

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Just standing around looking pretty is your ‘job’, nobody wants to hear your useless female opinion because it’s still 1963 in the PLayboy Mansion and Hugh Hefner’s world.

5. The Main Girlfriend Gets To Sleep In A Bed With Hugh

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Lucky her! Bet it’s a lot of fun sharing a bed with an old guy who probably farts a lot. Bet he steals the covers too.

6. The Girls Can Only Use Expensive Cars, Jewellery Etc At The Mansion

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You do get pretty much everything you want when you’re working as a Playboy bunny – be that expensive jewellery, cars or clothes BUT you can only use them whilst you’re staying at the mansion, and most of the time it has to be within the mansion grounds as well. Excellent.

7. There’s No Such Thing As Individuality In The Playboy Mansion

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A former Playboy Bunny named Holly Madison stated that Hef specifically wanted the girls to be busty blondes with bright-blonde hair. Nothing else mattered, and you weren’t really allowed to speak so that was literally all you were. Fantastic.

8. The Inside Of The Mansion Is Kinda Gross

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There are loads of stains on the carpets from all of the dogs that the girls have that nobody really trains or looks after, and the decor is really rank, being described as ‘porn chic’. That’s only really a good thing if you’re actually shooting a porno, which I suppose all these girls sort of are, only without a cameraman and crew. Ew, felt a little sick just typing that.

9. Plastic Surgery Is Free

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Hugh was desperate for big titties and all the girls looking as young and as ‘perfect’ as possible, so if you wanted it, it was on him. What a guy!

10. Playboy Bunnies Weren’t Really Allowed To Talk To Anyone At Hef’s Parties

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The Playboy Mansion parties have achieved legendary status in Hollywood and it really shows you that you’ve made it up there if you get invited to one. You would expect these to be a good time for the Playboy Bunnies to break out of their shells a bit and meet some great guys, but again you would be wrong – they just have to sit by Hugh the whole time and look good and not really say anything.

11. Bunnies Have To Bow To Hugh Hefner’s Routine

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Old people love routine and Hugh Hefner is no different. As you’re one of Hugh’s girls when you become a Playboy Bunny, then you’re expected to follow this routine every day too. Probably for the rest of your/his life.

12. Activities Are Pre-Arranged For The Girls

If following Hugh Hefner’s strict routine wasn’t enough, then you’re also not allowed to plan anything out yourself and all your ‘activities’ are scheduled for you. You’re also not allowed to talk to any men who aren’t pre-approved by Hef during them. Sounds like a dream.

13. Bunnies Get a 9pm Curfew So No More Nights Out

Forget about nights out because the Playboy bunnies have got a strict curfew of 9pm every night, which seems like the most unreasonable thing ever as even when I was 8 years old I don’t think I had to go to bed that earlier. Gotta stay young as long as possible for Hugh though.

14. Always Be Prepared

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Every room of the house contains baby oil, Kleenex tissues and Vaseline. I guess when you’re always having sex there’s no time to go on the lookout for lube or something to wipe your mess up with. On the one hand this is smart, but on the other hand it’s just icky.

OK, so if all of that isn’t enough to convince you that Hugh Hefner was a pretty gross old dude who got away with a hell of a lot for some unknown reason, I don’t know what is.

Having said that, I’m fairly sure that I would have been seduced by that lifestyle if ever I had been ‘lucky’ enough to get invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion, even if just for a few hours. There’s such a legendary mystique about it and him, that there’s just no way I would have been able to turn it down, I admit it.

Thankfully I won’t ever have to now, but it’s still important to realise how dark and weird the whole concept of the place has been for all these years because I don’t think a lot of people realise it. Do your research.

For more Hugh Hefner, check out the 14 worst things about him as told by his ex wife. Yeah, there’s way more from where this article came from.


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