Some Brazilian scientists have uncovered a new species of snake that looks like a floppy penis whilst they were inspecting a hydroelectric dam over on some river in the Amazon in the northern Brazilian state of Rondonia. The Amazon is fvcking creepy and I bet there are a lot of screwed up weirdo animals like really big scary looking spiders over there but I never once expected to see an animal that looked like a huge floppy dick to exist anywhere, except maybe way down in the very depths of the ocean. To be fair, these dudes were found living at the bottom of the Madeira River but that’s not exactly the bottom of the ocean, is it?
The discovery was actually made last November but was kept from the world until scientists could run a bunch of tests on it to decide what the hell it was, as it was confirmed soon after its discovery that Ron Jeremy’s dick hadn’t disconnected from his body and relocated to the Amazon and this left the brains pretty much stumped as to its identity/existence. A family of six was found at the bottom of the river and scientists managed to capture them (so gross, imagine what touching one of these douchebags must feel like) and whilst one died (sob) and three were let back out into the wild – which is a scary thought, imagine if you were swimming in the Amazon (admittedly a terrible idea) and a giant penis leered up out of the water at you – two more were kept to study.
Over 8 months of research followed and those brainy scientists have now managed to determine pretty much nothing about the animal except that it is limbless and lungless, and although it looks like a snake it genetically has more in common with frogs and salamanders and they think that it breathes through it’s skin and feeds on small worms and fish. Oh, and it definitely isn’t a reptile. That’s kinda freaky, like some Eugene Victor Tooms X Files kinda shit. The Amazon is a scary place and apparently there are a bunch more gross animals to be discovered out there. We’ll keep you posted but in the mean time here’s a couple more pictures of it:
On second thoughts these pictures don’t make it look as big as it does in the top image, so maybe it isn’t as gross/scary as I originally thought. Still pretty gross though.