The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

ShitThroughTheEyeOfANeedle

I once told a homeless man I’d pay him £20 to eat a bit of dog poo. He did it. I paid. He’s probably forgotten but I never will. Best £20 I’ve ever spent.

MR_BLUE

Jizzed on a girls face for the first time this week and it felt amazing. Literally brightened up my week.

Ah well who cares

I assign pornstars to the women at work so I can go home and picture them doing the acts. I try and match as close as possible, tit size, hair colour, race – you name it. I sometimes look at them in work and thing about the things they’ve ‘done’. Worst part is I’m not even ashamed and I’m waiting for the holy grail of days when all these pornstars feature in one orgy together. I’d love to make a website where you put someone’s photo into it and some facial recognition shit assigns them a pornstar. Fuck it, fuck them (I wish).

Captain curti

Hold tight for the video of me jacking off going viral. Just been catfished I think.

Narcassisthater

I genuinely think I’m going to end up alone because I hate girls that upload endless selfies on Instagram, but there’s not one girl on Tinder who doesn’t do that.

nofishinthesea

Second guy in six months I’ve been sleeping with and actually liked them but then I’ve found them on tinder. So they’re clearly looking elsewhere (could say the same for me but I never meet people off it). Great!

Jizz in your sizz

I leave porn playing on my mobile looooong after I’ve jizzed down the toilet. I do this just so I look like I last longer than I do incase they ever release the details of everyone’s porn habits. I also don’t go on sibling porn for the same reason. The idea of sibling sex doesn’t turn me on but they always seem like the fittest girls.

Etterlast

I got wasted last night and tried to piss out my conservatory door. Only issue is, I forgot to open the door and ended up just pissing all over my mum’s cream carpet instead. I don’t know why I didn’t just go to the toilet.

dick pics

To @fuckthiscat from last week. I feel like I want to make your life better…. I woke up one morning about 2 years ago to lots of dick pics asking for sex. Turns out my ex, being a cunt, made a Craigslist ad for me offering sex, mob no and home address full show for all the world to see. I had about 60 old men sending dick pics within 2 days. Showed my mum, She was horrified but she pulled some of the best faces I have ever seen. He ended up skipping the country. Apparently he’s back now and doesn’t know I’m aware, Gunna reopen my police file on him and get him fucked over. Fuck your ex he’s a cunt.

Bubblewrap

My dog killed a hedgehog down the park the other day and it was honestly the most traumatising moment of my life. Nature is disgusting.

Gotcha

I saw my mate’s wife on Tinder the other day. Obviously I swiped right.

plentyof4twenty

I was going to quit smoking bud this week but then my man dropped round some absolutely penging weed and I can’t remember why it is I wanted to quit in the first place, hashtag winning.

After21

I’ve only recently realised that I have a drinking problem when the doctors told me not to drink thorugh a course of antibiotics. Not only did I drink through it, but I powered on through even when it was making me physically sick. Oops.

Grassisalwaysgreener

A few years ago my now ex girlfriend got blind drunk and passed out on her bed, so I’m just sat there making sure she doesn’t choke or some shit. Then her twin sister walks in and after a couple of minutes we start kissing, next think I know she’s sucking me off while my girlfriend is passed out right next to me on the same bed. The twins boyfriend was a close friend. Proudest moment of my life.

LazyHardWorker

My job involves traveling around the community visiting people and today, with it being last day before some time off, I’ve decided to do training at home for a few hours. So far I’ve played PS, had a wank and scrolled through 100s of memes. No training has been done whatsoever.

Freedome

I spent all of yesterday looking at stupid online stories and Instagram instead of doing any work and I intent on doing the exact same thing today and for the rest of my time until I get fired. I’ll keep you posted on how long it takes.

snot job

I was talking to some girl it was going pretty well, she is really cool and super hot. She started sucking me off, it felt amazing and then the next thing I know, there was a pool of snot on my stomach and in my belly button. She had a cold.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.