The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I used to memorise jokes from Dave Chappelle and Russell Peters stand up so people at school could think I was funny
My friend fucked a girl in my tent at a festival while I was about 50 centimetres away and I woke up to her kicking me in the face mid fuck. Stayed quiet and let them finish because I knew my friend really wanted to bang.
I used to think the temperature filter on Snapchat was the temperature of the room I was in
Back in school I started a rumour about someone that he gave his best friend a hand job in the toilet. Everyone knew it obviously wasn’t true but it spiralled out of control and the guy got ripped for it all the way to graduation – 5 years. In the end he left the country to go to uni abroad. Sorry Paul.
I carry a small blade with me in my car in case I get pulled over for speeding, I’ll just cut myself and say I was on the way to the hospital
We have a new girl at my work who is pretty, brunette and curvy so exactly my type. We are getting on so well that I keep getting boners and having to sneak a wank in the toilets at work. Doesn’t help that im married.
After smoking weed heavily for the past 6 years (I’m only 21) and having it be my escape for 99% of my problems I’ve finally realised its time to grow up and nut it on the head. 6 days clean so far and it’s fucking shit all I want is to backstrap the fattest warhead and watch 4 episodes of family guy. Being an adult is wank.
I hosted a post-club house party the other week and after all the other guests had left there was just me and a chunky girl known for her promescuity left alone in my apartment. I literally hadn’t had sex in 12 whole months (I’m a ginger) so even though I wasn’t attracted to her I thought ‘fuck it’ and led her to my bedroom. However, knowing that I cannot maintain an erection when using condoms, I opted out of actually penetrating her for fear of the likelihood that she had a venereal disease. So instead I just sucked her tits and used my Liberace esque pianist fingers to have her gushing like The Thames Estuary until she orgasmed without having her return the favour in any way shape or form. After she had climaxed and was fast asleep I went to the living room, waited ten minutes and then pretended I had a call from an agency about some last minute temp work that same morning so I could make her leave. She was furious when I woke her up and immediately sent her packing but I didn’t give a flying fuck because I had my bed back to myself and could have a wank to some Step Mother porn in peace.
I know a man who enjoys being kicked and trampled by straight guys, he gives free lifts and buys old trainers for a tenner a pair, iv been using and abusing this service for nearly 14 years
Years ago I skyped a girl who I met on Okcupid. She talked me into getting naked on camera and having a wank but was sending me naked pics of herself via chat since her ‘camera didn’t work’. I realised about 20 seconds after the skype call ended that there was a 99.9% chance I’d been catfished. I haven’t chatted to the person since but I’m pretty sure she/he filmed me and put me on the internet. So if anyone comes across a video of a lanky white guy with a tiny dick wanking on pornhub, it’s probably me
I have the unbelievable skill of being able to track down a Tinder girl’s social media profiles with minimal information about them
I unfriend most people on their birthday because that’s when Facebook reminds me they exist
Lord Pecklesbury the 3rd
An ex-girlfriend used to get off on me talking about nailing her mum whilst I was fucking her. I don’t think she wanted to fuck her, just got off on me talking about wanting to do it.
I have a shit commission paid job where I knock on doors at all hours trying to get people to donate to charity. I was led to believe that I’d run my own sales company within 18 months and I’d be earning good money and employing fit girls by choice. Really all I do is work 12 hour days 6 days a week for the same money people get in a supermarket or cafe. I was genuinely taken in by brainwashing slogans and promises of wealth and free training. I hate myself and my friends all know I’m a sucker but I’m now addicted to cocaine and hanging out with the fit recruitment girls that I know I’ll never have a chance with, but I’m just too ashamed to get a real job and prove my friends right. I’ll just keep telling everyone I’m earning more than them. I miss my social life and people who are actually human beings.
I’m a teacher and the other day held in a fart until I was next to the kid in class that gives me the most attitude. Blasted him with a silent stunner then watched him get up and disrupt the class by opening the window and accusing his classmates of farting. Fair enough but I still yelled at him.
I read Confessions every single week, and every week I am convinced that almost every story could be written by my boyfriend. When I jokingly ask him if he writes in, his reaction never, ever makes me feel less suspicious.
I was round a mates and did a shit that was too big to flush. Suddenly noticed a bowl of potpourri (the decorative dried flower petal shit). Had to use a piece to cut my shit in half so it would flush. It worked, no-one found out.
My house mate came out as a vegetarian recently. I come from a family of chefs so wasn’t very happy about this as we often cook for each other, i find a lot of vegetarians/vegans patronising and fussy. So every time we come home drunk i feed him meat products – certain cheeses, meat stock and certain sauces containing meat without telling him – just for personal satisfaction. He still has no idea he’s not actually a vegetarian. Sorry mate.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.