The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I went on a cruise with my dad a couple years back, just me and him. A ton of old couples on the boat but I eventually found a 21 year old girl who agreed to come back to my room after we’d been at the pool. She was a bit wary about doing stuff since I said I was sharing the room with my dad, but eventually I convinced her to give me a BJ after kissing for ages. Anyway I came very hard and fast into her mouth about 5 seconds into the blowjob, and she just shot up with a look of disgust and said “dude, that was quick”. All I could do was say sorry
Whenever I’m stoned I write down all the amazing ideas and thoughts I have in my Notes because I don’t want to forget them. They never make much sense when I go back and read them
Got drunk and wound up in a club where all the women seemed to be MILFs looking for some young cock. Got even more wasted then ended up going back to this cougar’s house, she took me to the bedroom and put on some meditation music. Thought it was weird but no big deal. Now I don’t have big dick but it’s not a cashew nut either. So we start banging and this woman cums 3 times – a personal record for me. Ended up cumming all over her belly. My advice to any guys out there is definitely check out these MILF clubs
I got into the final round of interviews for a social media marketing manager and in the end they didn’t accept me because I don’t have a Twitter account
I used to think the phrase “prima donna” meant “pre-Madonna” as in the days before Madonna became famous
I live in constant fear of being fired
When I was about 14 I shaved my pubes for no real reason. One day my gym teacher called me over after I’d been in the showers and told me he was referring me to the school GP because wasn’t “developing”. At the time I thought he meant sports-wise or something. Anyway when my parents spoke to him he said there were signs I hadn’t yet hit puberty which was worrying at my age. I realised he was referring to my shaved pubes. In the end I had to go to the GP because I didn’t want my dad knowing I used his razor to shave my pubes
I get a buzz out of this guy ¯_(ツ)_/¯ so I saved him in a note on my phone so I can copy and paste it in text convos ¯_(ツ)_/¯
5 years ago I was quite pissed after work and I got on the bus home, I was sitting where the elderly people are allocated seats when this woman with a small girl came and sat opposite. I look away for a while but eventually the child throws it’s toy at me, I throw it back and begin to have a game of catch across the aisle. After a while she gets bored of that game and starts pulling funny faces at me. I copy and as I go to make a smiley face with my fingers on my cheeks, ironically my smiley piercing decides to get stuck between my teeth and rip out. Amazingly I didn’t really feel it, and am now bleeding out of my face and grinning at a child. Somehow this lead to me banging a MILF and playing tea parties with my what would be future stepdaughter. We’ve been married for 3 years
P.S. Don’t get a smiley piercing, Smiley piercings are shit.
I always get a pleasant surprise whenever a foreign looking person comes up to me and they speak perfect English
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this pretence at work of being a sociable guy who gets along with everyone
I’ve wanked off 3 times today and I have no plans of stopping now
Ages ago I spent the night with a random hookup at uni. The next day she text me from the gym saying she had to get off the bike because “she was too sore from last night”. To this day it’s the nicest thing a girl has ever said to me
My dick is so gross it’s a damn shame
Someone going to hell
At my grandfather’s funeral, during the burial outside, my godfather was singing some religious prayer in Hungarian, during which I farted (thinking it would be a quiet one, but in actuality was louder than the prayer itself). My Auntie, stood next to me, started laughing into her hands uncontrollably, only to be comforted by my grandma who, thinking she was crying, began hugging her and telling her it was okay.
I know the holiday histories of upto fifteen hot girls I knew from school, who I’ve not spoken in upto ten years, purely from their Facebook pics. Some as long as seven years ago. What even am I?
so for the euros last weekend me and my flat mates bought a new 50 inch tv, unpacking it there was loads of Styrofoam little S shapes kicking around the living room as we only got it back in time for the england russia game and didnt tidy up. during the druken evening i ended up eating a bunch of them as a joke. its been days and my shit from the morning after still hasnt sunk and nobodys put two and two together, that bathroom has just been abandoned. its huge and it wont go. so yeah , sorry boys.
I saw my friend’s mum naked one time when I was 10 or 11, and over 10 years later that image still pops into my head when I wank sometimes
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.