Fucking dressing gowns. I moved house last week and the dressing gown that looked like it belonged to a crook’s nanny, that had spent the last couple of years hidden away in a nook’s cranny, suddenly reappeared. Before I knew it, the fucking fluffy cunt was draped all over me and I was just like every other moron in the world. I bet you’re sitting thinking “cool story, bro” but I hate dressing gowns. I despise how they just hang there and tempt you to wear them, with their false promises of being comfortable, and delusions of grandeur. So I’m going to tell you in eight reasonably short points (whilst you’re sitting there fondling your genitals through your silk robe), why dressing gowns are for cunts.
1) Dressing gowns are fucking pointless. They’re the thin membrane between achieving something and doing nothing. If I want to do nothing, I’ll wear nothing, if I want to do something, I’ll wear something. Dressing gowns are a clothing purgatory, where you’re not sure what you want to do, kinda like a teenage bisexual but a bit more confused and worthless. If you’re going to get dressed, then get dressed into some real clothes. Like skinny jeans, a gilet, and flip-flops.That’s cool, right?
2) We’re all perverts in some way or an other, but I (like all other teenage boys) loved wearing my mother’s brassieres whilst fucking the hoover, but I stopped doing that after a while. All adult males are genuinely thinking, “I’m just one step away from getting my dick wet in this gown.” One tug of the cord, and then it’ll be Spaff O’Clock. There’s nothing wrong with being perverted, hell I’m typing one handed at this very moment BUT there’s something wrong with hiding behind a dressing gown. If you’re a pervert, then please feel free to put Fruit Pastilles under your foreskin and show the world. Just don’t put a dressing gown on after.
3) Look cunt, you’re wearing a dressing gown because you’ve probably just had terrible sex with someone who’s going to dump you soon for someone with a better dressing gown. You are not Rocky, you’re not a pro-boxer, you’re a dickbag in what’s essentially a massive dress. Take that dressing gown hood down, you’re not mad urban or a ‘playa’ – you’re a fucking solicitor.
4) Have you ever tried to take a shit whilst wearing a dressing gown? It’s not possible. You end up with shit in and on the dressing gown, shit all over your genitals and shit all over your immediate family members and pets. It’s not a pretty site is it? Girls are all like ” well, I can go the toilet whilst wearing a dress.” Well done. You’ve either a) got a dick b) got a funnel up your chuff or c) not gone to the toilet at all, because you’ve got a painful bladder infection from sleeping with too many STD riddled perverts, who wear, you guessed it – dressing gowns.
5) People who wear wacky dressing gowns are the same kind of cunts that dress up their dogs in tiny little Elvis suits. You know the kind of person that actually thinks it’s acceptable to give a loved one a Santa dressing gown as a Christmas gift. That’s a fucking shit present. How about a nice watch or some scotch? I bet when they finally have kids after years of trying to get pregnant through the ear, that they’ll buy them cute little Star Wars dressing gowns. Awww. Then they’ll start playing with their little light-sabres and before we know it, Jimmy Savile’s ghost will be resurrected and he’ll be sticking his bony fingers in our nation’s sweethearts. Just not Jill Dando, because she’s dead. She wore a dressing gown. Probably died in it.
6) Along the same theme as point 5. Cunts that buy each other dressing gowns with their names sewn into them. Just in case they forget who they’re married too. They’re again the same kinda cunts that dress their dogs in the Elvis suits (and probably doggy dressing gowns), that also have personalised number plates that say ‘Gangsta-69,’ and listen to Gangnam music, like it’s not just one massive fucking joke for people that think that Geordie Shore is a period drama.
7) I’m not a stickler for cleanliness, hell no. I’ve been known to go without a shower for at least two to three hours. I can tell you now that a dressing gown is basically a massive tissue. People wipe their stupid dripping noses on the sleeves, and not to mention that gross woman who used the cord as a tampon. Obviously I made that last bit up, but I betyou that it has happened. You wear a shirt for a day, you wash it. You wear a dressing gown for a month, you hang it back up and wear it for six more.
8 ) If you’re not convinced by now, then take a look at this picture of Susan Boyle wearing one. Not content with looking like a builder with a brick for a face, she’s put the last nail in her already giant coffin by opening the door dressed up as a Pokemon with measles. You can also guarantee that Susan’s erection has slipped out of that thing on several occasions, and scared off whatever imaginary friends she had left. Apparently her genitals look like a Pepperami wearing armbands. Gross.
Well, I hope that’s put you off wearing dressing gowns, maybe at least for a while. If you’re ever tempted to wear one again, read through these eight points, then do enough ketamine until your whole body is numb, and then iron both your hands until you have no skin left. That should serve as a lasting reminder of your stupidity. No need to thank me. Cunts.