The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is an organisation that you never really want to come across, it spends most of its time sending bad guys to jail. And they’re nothing if not thorough, as evidenced by a recent story that has come to light involving an Alsatian by the name of Peach.

PD Peach was involved in the arrest of a crook that the CPS were building a case against, and was identified as a key witness. However, it hadn’t occurred to the prosecutors that a dog might not do too well if called to the stand and asked to describe what it had seen. Still, the lawyers at the CPS were not the kind of guys that would let a little thing like attempting to cross-examine a dog get in the way of nailing their man, oh no, and so a formal statement request was dispatched.

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When Peach’s handler received the request, he immediately noticed a mistake – the statement request was addressed to PC Peach. The CPS had mistaken Peach for a human police constable. Easy mistake to make, ‘C’ and ‘D’ are quite close together in the alphabet and on a keyboard, so the handler replied, letting them know they were after PD Peach, and that PD stands for ‘Police Dog’, and that dogs can’t speak. Or write.

He must have thought that was the end of his involvement in the investigation, but he hadn’t counted on the thoroughness of the CPS. They were going to get their man. Peach was going to give a statement. The laws of nature would not get in the way!

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It seems that the CPS didn’t give a crap that dogs really can’t write, and after weeks of constant requests, Peach’s exasperated handler finally gave them what they wanted – PD Peach’s witness statement, signed by paw print:

“I chase him. I bite him. Bad man. He tasty. Good boy. Good boy Peach.” Shit that’s funny. That’s exactly how you talk to dogs right? If they could speak they’d totally talk in the retarded voices we speak to them in.

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God bless you Peach. Sick Chirpse hopes you get internet famous, we heard bitches really go for that heroic police stuff.