CHIRPSES

The Newest Thing in Sex: Tentacles Smut

The best Japanese import (apart from sushi, but oddly similar to it) is Tentacles Smut, coming to a smut channel near you!

Mindlessly flipping through a copy of a fluffy femme magazine recently (killing time totes obvs!), I passed over an article ‘Is Everyone Kinky Now?’ Presuming it was a shit, degrading piece brainwashing girls into thinking that light bondage and whipped cream will make your boyfriend love you more, I went to turn the page onto High Street Outfits under £400 That Will Make Your Boyfriend Love You More, and then the word ‘tentacles’ caught my eye. Surely that’s, a ‘testicles’ typo, no? Apparently ‘Tentacles Smut’ is taking the sex industry by storm, integrating elements of traditional pornography with horror or science fiction and fantasy themes. Essentially it is penetration in every orifice by Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean.

After seeing a geisha deep throating a piece of eel at a sushi bar in 1800, some Japanese dude came up with the idea of Tentacle Erotica. It was commonly used in early Japanese erotic art, or ‘shunga’ and would see the damsel in distress in the story being harassed, pursued and eventually skewered every which way by some slimy tentacled beast. In simpler terms: how the married players of Chelsea FC spend a night out. Understandably, Western audiences perceived such stories as good old fashioned rape but was viewed as consensual sex by the Japanese. No wonder those geishas are always blushing.

Always slow on the uptake with strange Asian stuff (who knew you could eat seaweed?!), it was picked up by our side of the world centuries later when ‘sexualised tentacles’ were used in action films. Most notably it was used in The Dunwich Horror in 1970 and Galaxy of Terror in 1980, both by B-movie maverick Roger Corman. The latter was rated ‘R’ and became an enduring cult favourite due to the graphic detail in which his female astronaut character is stripped, raped and killed by a tentacled creature whilst having multiple orgasms. This tentacle-in-every-orifice-followed-by-complete-combustion shit would have blown people’s minds, considering Herbie Goes Bananas was also released in the same year.

Once a great story telling art, tentacle erotica has been reduced to pure filth in modern day pornography. The amount of XXX HOT ASIAN BITCHES FUCKING THICK TENTACLED MONSTERS-FREE PORN TO TURN YOUR MIND TO MUSH, LEAVE YOU FEELING GUILTY AND NEEDING SEVERAL SHOWERS AND A LOBOTOMY I had to wade through to find the history of tentacle erotica left me favouring light bondage and whipped cream. I’d draw the line at playing ring-toss with calamari.

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