CONFESSIONS

Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #174

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

kiss

bonzai

I made a sex tape with an ex back in uni. Afterwards she said she felt uncomfortable with one part and asked if I could delete it and we’d make a better one next time. Well I did delete it because I’m a nice guy… and there was no next time! FML!

timw_crap

Tim W Brap seems like such a pussy. I’d love to fight him

[editor’s note: e-mail tim@sickchirpse.com to set it up – we’ll livestream it on the site).

shia

Mumbles

Whenever I make eye contact with the person in the car next to me I always look away first and feel like such a pussy

n.8.d.g

My old bathroom had a lightswitch that when you turned it on, it would always give you an electric shock. I was too lazy to get it fixed and instead rationalised it as a good way to give myself a little shock in the morning to wake up before work. Now sometimes when I turn on a random lightswitch I get a phantom shock throughout my body.

Tesco

I posted the confession about doing ket watching Britain’s got talent with my girlfriend like 2/3 years ago and you reposting it has made me remember what a great night it was haha, cheers guys

duck

funkdoc

When I’m on Tinder and I see a hot girl who also comes across as super shallow (duck face etc), I always swipe left. I say to myself “that girl would be so annoying to be around”. Might be true but deep down I know it’s a defence mechanism because I know girls like that would never swipe right on me

i can speak spanish

I listen to Jimothy Lacoste’s music without irony

gal

FN2197

Bumped into an old co-worker while drinking on the weekend. Started chatting and a couple hours later I was eating her pussy for about 30 minutes. Didn’t get laid though.

BeehindTheKeyboards

Sometimes I wank off to naked pictures a girl I was seeing sent me over Facebook 3 years ago, still the best shag I’ve ever had but the wanks are up there

bong

rattatallly

A lot of people have recently complimented me and asked how I lost so much weight. I don’t want to tell them the truth which is I swapped 6 beers a night to just smoking a bong, so I just tell them I stopped eating bread and pasta. Harmless lie right?

fone

Blahblah5

I had a wank to photos last night. My wifi went down and my phone is near the data limit.

phone

Sinkorswim

Took an important business phone call at home, desperately needed a wee about 10minutes in, and not the type of call you can just ask to ring back in 5. Relieved myself in the sink while on the phone to my potential new boss so they wouldn’t hear the echo of my piss hitting the toilet water. I’m a chick.

Up in Smoke

We used to steal lots of shit when we were younger out of boredom. Sometime in the early 2000’s, a couple of my thievery friends informed me that there was a partially blind cashier working at a quick-chek. The checkout counter was setup like an obtuse angle, with the cashier working on one end, and 4-5 stacked boxes of cartons of cigs at the other end.

The box tops of each cardboard box had already been sliced open, so much so that we could crouch down near the boxes and shift the 2nd box closest to ground level over just slightly, so that the ground level box revealed enough space to slide out carton after carton. We’d grab a carton, casually stroll into an aisle with it concealed, and stuff it into a bookbag. Rinse/repeat a few times while friends played the distraction game until the bag had about 5-6 cartons, and then finished off smoothly by purchasing a cheap soda and we were gone. We did this over a course of several days and made off with something near 40+ cartons of cigs.

Shoutout to the brothers T & W if either of you catch this.

toilet

lerxstpratt

Sometimes when I think have to shit I go sit down on the toilet and end up just pissing instead and honestly it feels quite nice

sad

indieguy

I’m a hardworking guy who gets paid very well as a plumber and electrician, but for some reason I can never shake the feeling of being an underachieving piece of shit. Such is life I suppose.

Ps007

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have never farted in front of each other. My best friend and her BF have been together 6 months and fart in front of each other all the time. Now I can’t help but think our relationship isn’t as strong as I thought.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.

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