At school, we learned about ‘safe sex’, i.e bagging it up, spunking elsewhere, and if you’re stupid enough to neglect the myriad of highly successful female contraceptives, running to the chemist post-coitus for a kill pill. Some of us got it down, some of us took the alternative baby-machine-benefits-pillaging route. Whatever.
I used to love sex ed, not only cause we were learning new and exciting and disgusting things about our bodies, but because it was the one time you felt superior to the teacher- they were so fucking uncomfortable talking about rooting with hormonal and overly enthusiastic teenagers. Although our P.E teacher used to bound in, throw his arms above his head in a vague triangular shape and shout ‘WHAT AM I?!’ and we’d shout back with glee ‘A VAGINAAAA!!!’ This was great while it lasted but unfortunately was quickly nipped in the bud at our strict Catholic school. They said he got a transfer, but he was definitely murdered.
Though what they didn’t tell us in class is that not only can unsafe sex result in lumps and bumps on yo’ junk and/or an unwanted kid destined for a life of crime, but some pretty hectic physical injuries too. Obviously it can be argued that it depends on how you’re doing the ‘do’. Personally my mild list involves a few bumped heads and carpet burns, not to mention the splitting of one sorry hymen. There’s absolutely no reason it should be called ‘popping your cherry’; it sounds too fun and reminds me of of Kelis’s film clip for ‘Milkshake’- a far cry from anyone’s first pop.
With S & M equipment, electronic gadgets and Karma Sutra manuals, it should come as no surprise that many sex-ers suffer from broken bones, skin reactions and getting foreign objects lodged in very localized places. Check out my personal favourites below, and tweet us @SickChirpse if you have some more to add to the list! Surveys show that 18 million Brits have been a victim of a sex injury, surely that includes some of our very own Sick Chirpse Twitter Followers? Broken cocks and condom inhalation… I love my job.
â˜› Read More: Lady Parts: A History
Let’s start off gently. Kissing can deafen you. A Chinese woman lost her hearing after a passionate make-out sesh with her boyfriend. How the shitting hell, you ask? According to her doctor, the kiss ‘reduced the pressure in her mouth, pulled the ear drum out and caused the breakdown of the ear’.