CHIRPSES

Kids With Smart Phones: It’s Not A Smut Problem, It’s A Parenting Problem

COMPUTER PORN

It’s not a smut problem, it’s a parenting problem. Give your kids a frisbee instead of a fucking smart phone.

Smut. Just another fun thing that has now become evil. With the way that smut is still depicted in the media, you may as well have a fucking scarlet letter branded on your forehead, or more accurately, your cock, if you like to indulge in laptop fun times. 95% of men admit to masturbating to smut, 25% of internet searches are pornographic and almost 30,000 people are viewing smut every second. That’s the size of my hometown in Australia! I’m not sayin’ it’s all of them… I think we can face up to the fact that it’s here to stay and doing a pretty good job of keeping lonely men and women happy. Smut is old news, we should be cool with that by now. In this day and age of tampon sucking, human and horse relationships and people fucking their pitbulls on the front lawn, HOW can we still be uptight about people getting their jollies over other people getting their jollies? In his heyday in the 1930s, Adolf Hitler used to make his female companions shit on his chest post-coitus. Everyone CALM DOWN ABOUT PORN. It’s 2013.

☛ Read Next: Plentyoffish.com Is Trying To Stop You From Having Sex

The ‘smut problem’ has been covered quite heavily in recent media, focusing more so on how readily accessible the hardcore stuff is to nine year olds with Iphones. This is not a smut problem, this is a parenting problem. Don’t give your young kid who is still meant to be figuring out how to throw a frisbee, a fucking smart phone. Least smart idea ever. It is alarming to think that prep school kids can be surfing Pornhub on the bus on the way to school. Gone are the days where there was a parental lock out on the shared household computer, which took up half of the room it was in. Though sometimes that safety system was too preventative. I still blame my Mum for the fact that I lived with a yeast infection for like a year cause I couldn’t Google diagnose myself and was too scared to tell her that I may have the vaginal plague for fear of being sent to live in the shed. Character building though, I guess.

ROSE DOG

I do agree with the current media uproar that young’uns having access to any kind of smut is a terrible thing. Cause as we all know, modern smut is not just a bit of laying down and tickling, it can be ferocious. Take one of the latest crazes for instance, ‘a rose’. This typically involves a bunch of lesbians and deep anal interference to the point where they can push an internal organ out of their butthole… and then suck it back in. This is known as a ‘rose’. And once you watch it, you’ll wish you were dead. I must warn you, it is not as aesthetically pleasing as looking at an actual rose. And I’d doubt it’d smell any similar. In saying this, if you’re a fully grown, responsible adult who can pay your own internet bills and are into seeing intestines falling out of bums, crack on. You shall not be judged. If you are a kid on a bus on the way to a school where you still participate in show and tell, good luck with the nightmares.

☛ Read On: Lady Parts: A History

We can’t have a generation of 10-17 year old boys thinking that regular sex involves spit roasting and gimp masks. And we certainly can’t have a generation of young girls tearfully handing over their virginities whilst being condemned ‘filthy whores’ and lead to believe that chocolate starfish delicacies are the norm. Nine out of ten 8-16 year olds have watched smut, and the average child is 11 when they see their first explicit material. I didn’t even know where my sacred places were when I was eleven! I thought everyone was smooth, like Barbies. I’m no prude, one time I performed a naked dance and once put my finger on a gouche, but I do believe in the sanctity of good, organic sex. At least to begin with, then you can pick up the freaky stuff in your stride later on. It’s shit to think that there’s teenage boys sat, crowded around a smart phone watching a moaning Lithuanian with plastic tits being pissed on, thinking ‘Mental note, must piss on her face, she’ll love it’. Why stress them out about how to operate cock rings and butt plugs when there’s no need? I reiterate, bring back the frisbees!

FRISBEE

Because kiddies with clever phones can be watching people being violently fisted at any point in time, some genuises have some up with the idea that smut should be brought into the classroom. That’s right, education ‘experts’ believe that children as young as five should be taught ‘how to view smut’ at school. I get that the approach is intended to be preventative and educational, angled at the fake nature of pornography and how it isn’t a model for ‘good’ sex, but should that really be one for the teachers?  Alarm bells certainly ring for me when I consider a bunch of eleven year olds in a classroom viewing ‘cautionary smut’ with a seedy, sweaty health teacher trying to conceal a raging erection under the desk while explaining that what they’re seeing is unrealistic and wrong.

We all know that if you’re told not to do something as a kid, you’re going to bloody well do it. It’ll just make the kids who weren’t aware of double anal go home and Google it to the extent that their minds are mush and their computer keys are stuck together. If you’re too much of a shit parent that you A) let your young kid have unlimited access to the entirety of the internet, and B) can’t give them the ‘birds and bees’ talk yourself, you fucking deserve to be forking out for counselling when your kid discovers the auto erotic asphyxiation sites.

☛ Next Stop: Here Are Some Of The Worst Sex Injuries We’ve Come Across


Trending

To Top