The Stoner’s Guide To Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
Go see your dealer Very important – It was a toss-up between this and gathering supplies for the first instruction – obviously life-saving supplies come first, but I don’t know if I could bear to face the end of the world without a good supply of cannabis.. Buy as much as you can afford. For all you know, this could be the last cannabis you ever get to buy, so make sure you take as much as you can. You need to analyse how much cannabis you generally smoke – for myself it is approximately a gram a day, therefore just over an ounce a month. So I would buy at least 6 month’s supply, maybe more depending on how optimistic I was on my chances of survival. I know as a serious stoner that whatever I buy will get smoked, so getting as much as possible would mean I can enjoy life a little longer.
Get out of densely populated areas It’s a bad idea to be around a lot of people at a time like this, so if possible you should move to a location less crowded. Central London is a no-no, unless you fancy hoards of the undead swarming every square inch in search of your flesh.
Find a safe house Your safe house needs to be a secure location where you can remain hidden from the walking dead. If they do discover your location, your safe house should be secure enough for you to hold them off for as long as possible, to make a chance of escape possible – so make sure you also have a back exit. Also be sure to consider how many people will be sharing your safe house. Too many people mean more risk of exposure/discovery, and also supplies will diminish faster. Too few, and you could be left on your own when the world’s gone to shit. Possible good safe house locations include (but are not limited to):
- Old bomb shelters
- Flats (not ground-floor level)
Make sure you barricade your safe house, no matter how safe it seems. If there are hordes that could potentially discover your location, you need to make sure that they can’t get in. Strength of numbers really comes into effect with zombies, and their lack of pain means they will relentlessly crush towards targets, often knocking down most things in their way.
Find/make a weapon If it all really does go to shit, we will be cursing with envy at the Americans and their right to ‘bear arms’, as us folks in the UK mostly won’t have access to firearms. In America they’ve actually began to sell “Zombie-Killing Bullets”, a novelty which we expect will wear off if/when someone accidently blows their own brains out with one. You can currently buy these babies over HERE if you are fortunate enough to live in the US, mad enough to own a gun, and want that extra little bit of protection just in case zombies come to town.
“Zombie Max™ ammunition from Hornady®! Loaded with PROVEN Z-Max™ bullets… yes PROVEN Z-Max™ bullets (have you seen a Zombie?). Make sure your “bug out bag” is ready with nothing but the best!” Those of us stranded on our infected little island when zombies attack however will need to make do with whatever they can find – sharp/blunt/heavy objectsthat will cause impact damage. Look out for:
- Other general gardening equipment (shears, rakes etc)
- Knives (The bigger the better – the closer the zombies get to you, the more danger they present – one bite and it’s all over!)
- Baseball Bats
In reality, an effective weapon is one that you can kill a zombie with in one hit – so the heavier your item (as long as you can comfortable wield it) the better. Also it is worth noting that this is real life, and not a video game – weapons will probably break after the 20th zombie or so (ok that’s a random guess, but you get the picture), so make sure you have a backup supply of things to whack/chop/slice zombies with!