Recent events in Florida bring a chill to the bones – a police officer was forced to shoot a naked man dead after he found was eating the face off of a live victim in broad daylight. Sound like something out of a horror movie? It did to me. Whilst police stated that the man was high on ‘a new potent form of lsd’ called ‘Bath-Salts’ (a complete load of bollocks by the way, nothing except cannabis was found in his system, and we all know that cannabis wouldn’t turn a man into an uncontrollable and enraged zombie), his actions seemed more like that of one of the living dead than of somebody tripping their balls off.
This news story got me thinking about what I would do should a cataclysmic chain of events see zombies wandering the Earth. Take this advice with a pinch of salt. As unlikely as this is to happen (a nuclear war is probably much more likely – maybe I will cover this in a future article), I am no survival expert. But I have watched a lot of Bear Grylls. And 28 Days later. And Shaun of the dead, dawn of the dead, land of the dead etc (I also completed at least two Resident Evils, despite the shitty control system on the ps1). So I’d like to think I know what I’m talking about.
Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, The Stoner Way
Stay aware Use the internet to keep alert of possible threats. These days twitter knows more than the news does, and they have just signed a sky-net style deal that will see a company in the US analysing tweets for world stories from eye-witnesses before they hit the news. As soon as you hear of a possible threat, take action. As zombie films have shown us, once shit goes off, it hits the fan fast.
Gather supplies Get everything you’re going to need as quickly as possible. Fuck your bank balance, draw all of your available money out and turn it into resources before it loses value. I would personally get the following:
- Bottled water – you don’t know how long tap water will be safe for, but my guess is not that long. The only downside is that water is really heavy, especially when stoned. Still, get as much as you can carry (and some squash to satisfy the taste buds). When conserving your water, try to pour it into a glass/cup rather than drinking it straight from the bottle – if you do this it seems to smell funky after a few days, and you don’t want funky water on top of everything else.
- Toilet roll – this doesn’t really need explaining, but I suggest you get the quilted stuff. A little bit of luxury goes a long way when you’re down in the dumps.. i.e. the world is ending and most people that you knew/loved have been ripped apart/zombiefied.
- Tinned food – This will last the longest – If you pick up fresh food, it’s not going to last long, and you could be holed-up in your chosen zombie-free haven for a long time. Baked beans and vegetable soup are perfect – good nutrition and also things you can eat cold. Not much would be worse than having a shit load of freezer food and the power going out, leaving you with defrosted salmonella and no way to cook anything anyway!
- Rice/Pasta – these staple foods will last and can be cooked by boiling them. Could be the difference between a quick meal and death from starvation when other foods run out. My personal preference is rice, although both are super bland without some sort of sauce.
- Vitamins – When the diet is bad, one must improvise, and A-Z vitamins will go down a treat. Whilst the warning on the side will most likely say “not intended as an alternative to a balanced diet”, in reality vitamins will keep you stronger for longer if you have to live on Doritos, diet coke and jelly babies for a couple of weeks straight… Fruit isn’t going to last long (unless you thought ahead and got some tinned fruit), and you don’t want to start looking like a zombie in a hostile environment by waking up with scurvy and your teeth falling out of your face!
- Painkillers / Antibiotics / Other drugs you need – and I’m not talking about your raving tablets – bumping into a zombie when you’re gurning and loving life most certainly wouldn’t be a good idea – you need to stock up on the pharmaceutical supplies that you rely on. Hopefully you’re not relying on too much medication – once this runs out you could be stuck without it forever. This is perhaps one advantage we have in the UK over those dealing with the same problem in the USA – people over there typically use a lot more medication!