I’m not joking, I really am writing an article about finding Jesus’ foreskin. If you’re still reading then well done. So. Onward. Many of you might think his foreskin is in his grave along with his earthly body, others may decree that it’s in heaven where he now resides. But, being a Jew and all that, Jesus would have had the tip snipped like the rest of ’em. So it has to be down here somewhere. Added to that Catholics bloody love a good relic, so as you can imagine, such an intimate item would get any priest or church a great deal of holy kudos. On top of that, of course, is the power of miracles that are said to be within the skin, so it would be well worth buying if you ever come across it on ebay.

The foreskin’s official name is the Holy Prepuce, which sounds pretty funny when you know what it means. The first written reference to the flap of winky is in the apocryphal Arabic Infancy Gospel, which I haven’t read in it’s entirety, but I did read the excerpt that mentions it, and I’ll be honest with you, I genuinely couldn’t understand what it was talking about. But it mentioned it, that’s all I got. This is where the tale begins, and from here on in this portion of Christ has cropped up again and again.

In 800AD Charlamagne gave the ancient turtle neck to Pope Leo III. According to old Charlie, he’d got it off an angel while praying (bit of a tall story don’t ya think?). Pope Leo was convinced though and stashed it with his collection of other holy shizzle. Rome was ransacked in 1527 and the Prepuce was nicked by a German soldier. The soldier was later imprisoned and hid said item in his cell. It remained unfound for 30 years. He must have hidden it very well. From the prison it was taken by procession to nearby Calcata, villagers along the route reported the occurrence of freak storms and ‘perfumed fog’.

Continued overleaf…

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