LIFE

Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #68

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

kiss

bonzai

I made a sex tape with an ex back in uni. Afterwards she said she felt uncomfortable with one part and asked if I could delete it and we’d make a better one next time. Well I did delete it because I’m a nice guy… and there was no next time! FML

shia

Mumbles

Whenever I make eye contact with the person in the car next to me I always look away first and feel like such a pussy

weed

PAF

I spent my 22nd Birthday this year smoking weed in my flat alone. Even went in and cooked myself a nice dinner. Actually had a great day.

gypsy

Poobags

I once pulled a lady dressed as a 90’s gypsy (I assume). We walked home hand in hand – all was good with the world. Got back to my flat all going well, lots of our outfits on the carpet. Mid love, she throws up a little bit on herself. Obviously being a gentleman I stop, towel her down, and let her pass out with dignity. Took my sheets to the laundry room to de-Puke them. Listened to some gentle Jose Gonzalez to calm my ever fragile nerves. Washed and dried I came back to my room to find Alyssa (that was her name) in naked foetal position having shat herself on my bare mattress. The poor girl. I rang her mate who came to collect her, although as i shook her awake she rolled over into her feces smearing it all up her back. I wrapped her in an old duvet of mine and she set off barefoot, naked and shitty down the street – like a poo burrito. The next afternoon I came home from wherever I’d been to find a BHS bag (RIP BHS) containing waterproof duvet mattress and pillow covers and an apology letter. I never told another human being this (you’re welcome Alyssa – you’re a shitter, but no one knows)

coke

highenergy

I love cocaine, but I just don’t have the money for it

wifey

biffkenningtonIII

I had a wank in the shower the other day right before my wife tried to surprise me with a BJ. She tried for about 5 minutes to try get me hard and couldn’t, she looked like a bird trying to pull a worm out of the ground. I tried but just couldn’t get hard and eventually had to tell her the true reason. Let’s just say she’s wasn’t impressed

fem

Milo363

I swipe left on girls who have “feminist” in their Tinder bio

gut

aglbraith

I suck in my gut instinctively whenever someone takes a photo of me

toilet

lerxstpratt

Sometimes when I think have to shit I go sit down on the toilet and end up just pissing instead and honestly it feels quite nice

fone

Blahblah5

I had a wank to photos last night. My wifi went down and my phone is near the data limit

confused

Biscuit

I get nervous around black people

duck

funkdoc

When I’m on Tinder and I see a hot girl who also comes across as super shallow (duck face etc), I always swipe left. I say to myself “that girl would be so annoying to be around”. Might be true but deep down I know it’s a defence mechanism because I know girls like that would never swipe right on me

sink

Hayden5946

When I finish taking a piss I usually just run the sink so people outside think I’m washing my hands

dyer

The Kid, Frankie

A girl from my secondary school put a holiday photo up on Facebook and she’s got unbelievably hot, naturally I decided to beat off to it and as I cummed I, for some weird reason, said “that, is the business”.

dog

Bills ‘n’ Gills and Jellyfish

When I fart in the same room as my dog it actually gets a bit of a stiffy

Portrait of young woman and man outdoor on street having relatio

Haan Seoul-Ohh

Every time I go through Confessions and read about someone’s GF been unfaithful my anxiety kicks in and I can’t shake the thought it was mine. I get real arsey and distant from her for the rest of the weekend. She hasn’t got a clue why.

sad

indieguy

I’m a hardworking guy who gets paid very well as a plumber and electrician, but for some reason I can never shake the feeling of being an underachieving piece of shit. Such is life I suppose

fart

Ps007

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have never farted in front of each other. My best friend and her BF have been together 6 months and fart in front of each other all the time. Now I can’t help but think our relationship isn’t as strong as I thought

dude

riraho

Whenever I have sex with a girl I cum really quickly and then pretend I can’t get fully hard. Then I get up and discreetly throw away the condom, put on my boxers, start kissing the girl again and get another condom later and bang her. 10/10 success rate in covering up my premature ejaculation. I’m still shit at sex though

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE (or directly below this post) – see you next Friday.


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