The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did by e-mailing your Confessions into firstname.lastname@example.org (our submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous) — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Every day after work I watch Tipping Point (you know that shitty coin machine game show presented by Ben Shephard) and usually end up cracking one out over whoever the fittest female contestant is on it. If that fails then The Chase is on afterwards
The first time I ever wanked I got scared and thought I was going to pee
My foot/shoe fetish is so bad that when i am at work making deliveries, If i happen to see a woman’s pair of boots outside the house on the doorstep. I quickly sniff them while no one is looking.
I fucked a 45 year old whale off Tinder the other week to break my dry spell. I’m 23.
Whenever I pick up McDonald’s on Friday I get an extra cheeseburger and box of chicken nuggets for myself which I eat on the drive home. Then before I get home I dump the evidence in the bin outside so my girlfriend doesn’t moan about me eating more than I need (yes I’m fat)
Cocaine use has ruined my monthly budget planning.
I got dumped this week and 100% deserved it. I really need to sort myself out.
When I was younger I took a massive shit at my aunt’s house. Didn’t realise there wasn’t any toilet paper so I grabbed a towel from the closet wiped my arse and then folded it with the shit on the inside and put it back into the closet. 15 years later they still haven’t said anything!
Whenever I get bored in a lecture/seminar I rank every girl I can see in the room from who I want to fuck most to least. It actually helps time fly by pretty quickly
Not a confession but I want to say something to all Sick Chirpse readers. Spankbangdotcom .. thank me later
Whenever I take a shit and wipe and see nothing on the paper, it makes me feel fantastic and I always have a great day after
I was in the hospital visiting my granddad. His nurse was a fit Irish woman. She was doing some tests on him while I was in there with my grandma and dad. Bit of an awkward silence so I get my phone out and the browser opens a porn I’d been watching the night before on full blast. I’m shocked to my very core and just freeze in my seat. My dad’s just cracking up laughing. The nurse gives me an awkward smile on the way out and I die inside.
My office has a revolving door at the entrance and every time I pass through it I try to time a nasty coffee fart in the part I walk through. It’s usually busy so I know the next person coming through those doors has a 1 in 5 chance of being trapped with the smell of my arse. It’s the little things that get you through the day.
I have a secret folder on my laptop of my boyfriend’s best mate who I have a fucked up crush on. Literally hundreds of pictures from Instagram and Facebook.
On my first week of uni a kid in my halls reported me because I had British flag hanging outside my window. My halls master even had the cheek to ask me if I minded taking it down but in the end he agreed to switch rooms on the other side of campus.
Whenever I go down on my girlfriend I wonder if she even realises I’m just spelling the alphabet with my tongue
I’m voting for Trump purely because I want to see the world devolve into chaos.
Whenever I play the Lottery, I wait a day or a few days to actually check the results and see if I won. That way I dream about what I would do with the money if I actually won it. Then obviously I check the results and find I’ve lost money
I was born in the early 1980s and hate the fact I statistically count as a “millennial”
I successfully transformed my girlfriend from a person who hates blowjobs into someone who gives them twice a week. The key is to keep a clean penis and offer bribes.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week by e-mailing email@example.com (submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry – it’s 100% anonymous) – see you next Friday.