The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did by e-mailing your Confessions into firstname.lastname@example.org (our submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous) — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I pretended I knew who Phife Dawg was when my black friends broke the news #RIPPhifeDawg
I think I would fuck pretty much anyone if I didn’t have to speak to them again and if no one would ever find out
My girlfriend gently scratches my balls with her fake nails when she gives me head and it’s the most amazing feeling ever
I have bigger arms than my boyfriend
I used to piss on the back of my calves every time I took a shit. Took a while to realise that it’s because my dick doesn’t hang low enough into the bowl so when I pee it passes through the gap underneath the toilet seat
I can’t crack an egg properly to save my life
I had the choice between moving in with my girlfriend and moving in with my best mate and I chose my girlfriend. I think I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life
I don’t even enjoy sex that much, I just need to cum
One month ago my long term girlfriend broke up with me. I don’t think I am over it in the slightest in fact I seem to be struggling more this week. I haven’t been anywhere except to work and to buy food. I don’t want to see my friends because I still haven’t told them. I’ve stopped working out or eating properly. I’ve lost weight. I’m not much of a drinker so I just sit on my couch every night getting stoned and watching shit TV because watching anything good (Breaking Bad, Simpsons, Walking Dead) just reminds me of her because we always watched them together). I can’t understand how someone I was planning to marry could just decide one day she’s had enough of me. This isn’t a cry for help or anything, I would never think like that, but I’m just so depressed right now and can’t break out of it
I met a guy in Greece who had a street stall that sold cans of beer with a cigarette attached to each one. Genius.
My housemate eats peanut butter and salami sandwiches every day and it makes me sick
My girlfriend is depressed and was texting me all day while I was at work about how she was feeling etc. I managed to leave work early and drove to hers to surprise her. Ended up staying for 4 hours listening to her talk the most depressing shit I’ve ever heard and heard plenty of times before. Then she starts talking about ISIS and how there’s no point to anyone being alive and I finally snapped and went for fuck’s sake stop the fucking negativity. Everything is so negative negative negative! Fuck! She kicked me out of the house and told me I shouldn’t have bothered coming round. So yeah that was a waste of time
I can’t enjoy myself on a night out without getting coked up and it’s becoming a serious problem
I met up with an old school friend who I hadn’t seen in 3 years since school finished. He was always a bit weird but a safe guy. Anyway the second time we met he brought his little sister along to the pub who had grown into quite the fittie. Somehow she invited me to visit her at her uni during the week and her bro didn’t object or even react to it at all. On the day I was going up there my friend sends me a Facebook message and says he knows his sister wants to bang me, and he’s OK with it as long as I don’t ‘film it and put it on YouTube’. He basically organised and gave me his blessing to bang his little sister.
I’m 27 and seriously considering fucking the 18yr old intern we just hired at work
I stole a new washing up sponge from a party once whilst drunk. I know, I know, I’m quite the risky bastard…it was the coolest coloured one too, gave it to my nan
I have unusually small nipples
My girlfriend asks me to rate each blowjob she gives me out of 10. I’ve never given her highter than a 9. Got to keep her on her toes (or knees)
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week by e-mailing email@example.com (submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry – it’s 100% anonymous) – see you next Friday.