Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #112
The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Funky walker dirty talker
I had a girlfriend who got turned on by dirty talking while we were doing the deed. I had never done it before. So after a couple of times and a little feedback I felt like I had a vague idea of how to do it. So we’re making the beast with two backs and I’m really getting in to it. Suddenly my mind goes blank and I blurt out “Oh yeah, make that tight dick cum on my dick.” She began laughing so hard that it killed my boner and to save face I started laughing. There was no recovering and believe me I tried. Every time I tried to start again she just kept laughing in to tears. This was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Six years and two daughters later, we got married before the birth of our third daughter. I have mastered it now btw.
Worst case scenario. Instagram live. Having sex lean on phone it goes live. By the time I see it I can see who has joined …. all my mates. It was proper vocal too.
I’ve been obsessing over this girl at work, so I found her profiles online. From the looks of things she’s gay, has a child and is twice my age. Well shit.
Went for my afternoon poo today, cubicle next to me was already occupied. I was at least half an hour but left before the guy next to me had so much as even farted. Well played Sir, 1 nil to you.
I never considered myself to be anything other than bang average in the gentlemens sausage department and always assumed girls telling me I have jumbo one was just something that they all must say to all the boys to boost your confidence or whatever. A little while ago though I read an article about the average nob length and having never actually measured the old chap I thought I would. Turns out I do indeed have a big dick! The only reason I can think that I didn’t realise this before was that the only comparison I ever had was that of guys in porn… maybe I should be looking at a new career.
I hooked up with one of the least attractive girls in my student halls out of desperation whilst sober. I had a full-on 30 minute shuddering-scrub shower afterwards as if I’d just been molested. I’m a guy. I regret nothing.
I used to unblock drains for a living, and I’d just like to say, for those of you that wipe their arse with baby wipes, you’re fucking idiots and you’re clogging your pipes up. Just wipe standing up with normal tissue ffs
Last Christmas Eve my Grandma was down for the weekend and just as I was about to leave the house to go to the pub she slipped me £50 and said ‘don’t spend it all at once’. Obviously I drove straight to my dealers house and picked up half a g of Colombia’s finest, cheers Nan.
I hoofed a load of coke whilst on my way to a mates house party the other night. Whilst on route to said party I needed a piss. So there I was, off my tits pissing up against a bin just 2 mins from his house. This was all going swell until I farted and followed through. Yeap, I had shat myself. With the coke now fully in my blood stream I began to panic as my house was a hours car drive away. So instead, when I got to my mates, I sneaked into his room and stole some of his boxers. I then cleaned up in his bathroom and chucked my old ones out the window. Fuck knows where they went. Anyways, got back in the game after that and got royally twated that night. No one was the wiser… I wonder where those shitty underwear went?
Was on a dating app and got a message from a guy offering money to piss on him. One bottle of water and I’m £100 up…I’m straight
Over the last 2 years I’ve ended up renting 5 different places in the same city. Haven’t paid the council for water once. Every time I feel bad, I take a nice long hot shower.
Was round my mate ken’s house with a few greasy sods from work, and when he went to the shop to get more supplies we snuck into his garage and pissed in the petrol tank of his suzuki. anyway we didn’t think much of it until yesterday when he came into the office steaming saying his engine has burned out and it’s costing him £1200 to repair it. feel bad cos his wife’s about to have a baby.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.