Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #103
The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I want to suck dick more than my girlfriend does.
So I had this awesome big black vibrating butt plug that I lost several months ago. Moved into my first flat in October last year and it never moved with me, I thought it had been left at my ex’s. No of course not. My dad phoned me today and during the conversation he came out with “I found your butt plug”. Great now I either have to ask him to bin it OR meet him for a seriously awkward handover.
Me and my mates went to Wales when we were about 16 and whilst my friend was losing his virginity in a Welsh hedgerow I was stumbling around fucked looking for somewhere to piss. I pissed all over his air max 90s and her ankles, to this day I’m really proud of it and love telling the story. He doesn’t.
I’m on a scotrail train and the woman next to me just shat herself and it has seeped into my seat. Please send help.
Hello. For the sake of the story, let’s say my name is Lily. An ex from my teenage years had an absolute hag of a mum who for some reason completely unbeknownst to me, made every effort to not acknowledge me. She literally ignored me. To the point that it was blatantly weird and awkward seeing as I am and always have been, absolutely sick with parents – polite and complimentary, wash the pots and jovially flirt with the dads and all that. Parents buzz off me as standard. Anyway she got this dog, a Rottweiler, super beautiful but she was a bloody big bastard and pretty rough. And wouldn’t you know, she name it Lily. I didn’t know what to say or do. I wasn’t insulted because it was a great dog, but I was insulted at her mental attempt to insult me. So naturally I decided to habitually put her toothbrush pretty far up my arsehole whenever I was there.
I found out my crush accidentally called her boyfriend by my name the other day. I was so excited I had a wank as soon as I got into.
I only really feel happy when pissd or stoned. The rest of the time is just waiting to get pissed or stoned.
Sometimes when I take a shit I’ll be on my phone, like everyone else, browsing Instagram and so on just being a standard internet junky. Eventually I get to the pages like suicide girls etc really enjoying the content and poses these girls do, especially ass shots. So I’m sat here, firing shit outta my ass while getting a semi looking girls with lovely asses and wanting to rub my face in said asses.
Dear Deidre’s Photo Casebook
Just put a condom on my finger and had a pokey bum wank. I’m 23 and feel like every day up until now has been a waste. Now to work out how to tell my girlfriend I’m into it.
My friend cheated on his girlfriend and then found out he had got chlamydia from the other girl. He then successfully managed to cure himself and his girlfriend by getting double the amount of medication he needed and performing a daily spiking of his girlfriend with STI medication. Some cunts get all the luck.
A Pakistani colleague told me his wife was having a baby girl and they had started thinking of names for her. I ventured the only Pakistani girl’s name I knew. He said it was beautiful and later his daughter was born and given that name. I’d have been honoured only it was the name of a girl in Uni who let me jizz in her face.
Skin of a boy wrapped round the body of a toad
The older I get, the more I agree with the shit Piers Morgan says.
Got a fit little woman’s number in the ‘shop’ one night on the last lads tour, the next afternoon when things hit a bit of a lull, I told everyone I was going back for a kip, but instead picked up a g & took her back to the room for a couple of hours. Went back saying how much better I felt for sleep…lol.
My sex noises are copied from some arty film I watched with Michael pitt in it. Reckon the girls like it.
When will it end
To pass the time at work, I look at really boring articles for an hour, then look at fun ones as “dessert”.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.