The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I disgust myself with the girls I match on Tinder when I’m drunk. I’m talking actual gargoyles. Then I get drunk again and start chatting them up, what the fuck is wrong with me…
When i was about 9 I went to our local fishing pond to collect loads of frogs. I put them all in takeaway containers and put the lid on at night so they didn’t escape. Takeaway containers are pretty airtight so I woke up in the morning to over 20 suffocated dead frogs.
My girlfriend refuses to lick the bit between my balls and ass hole.
I spend way too much time listening to music and visualising sports highlights of myself. Usually football but sometimes MMA and boxing. I haven’t played football in years and never had a fight in my life.
Had a wank on a plane over the sex scene in Monster’s Ball (it was a night flight). I was in the middle seat too. Not told anyone about that since it happened about 15 years ago!
I used to think it was gross to piss in the shower. I would get out of the shower if it was that bad and go to the toilet. Well a few weeks ago I needed to piss so badly that I just let it go in the shower. Ever since then I have to piss in the shower EVERY time and now just do it.
I’m scared of what my dad might do if Donald Trump wins. He hates him so much he might actually go after him if he doesn’t have a stroke first…
I bought a box of weed brownies from some rasta dude in Camden, me and my boys ate them all over the course of the day and had zero effect. Scammed us good and proper. Now I can’t shake the idea that he jizzed in them or something.
My dog tackled a 12 year old at the park. The kid was running screaming “Mum! Mum”” (nowhere to be seen) and my dog just went for it and brought him down. Thankfully he just started licking the shit out of his face instead of mauling him to death. Had me scared for a second.
I still love mephedrone.
Sat with my wife and 3 other couples in a hot tub, we were all pissed and to cut to the chase, i ended up toe fucking my mates wife sat opposite me. There’s still some sexual tension there when ever I see her.
My ex girlfriend practically moved into my room at uni once we properly got together and eventually I was sick of having to share a single bed every night. One night she went out with her friends and showed up at my door at 3am knocking and calling my phone to let her in. I pretended I was asleep and left her to walk back to hers in the freezing cold night. Best sleep ever.
I would fuck my cousin if she made a move on me.
When I was 16 I was at house party where this weirdo from our school had got drunk with us for the first time. He was completely out of it and somehow ended up shirtless on the floor while about 6 boys (including me) took our belts off and whipped him violently for about 20 seconds non stop. It was total carnage but at the time the funniest thing ever. He woke up with welts all over his body and we were legit worried he’d come into school and kill us the next week. He was cool about it in the end though.
I hate people who say things like “everything happens for a reason” or “so and so is my spirit animal” or all these other phrases you see everywhere these days. Bunch of cunts in my view.
I used to be able to marathon fuck my ex for ages and I felt like such a G because of it. I’ve now hooked up with my first regular girl since her and I literally finish in 2 minutes every time. What is happening and how do I fix this?
I’ve been smoking for over 10 years but still do not understand the appeal of smoking fetish porn. As a lover of both smoking and porn I find it strange that it doesn’t appeal to me.
My girlfriend is going on a hen do next Friday and I’m going to spend the whole weekend getting baked, playing Fifa and eating pizza alone in our flat. Can’t wait!
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.