Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #120 – Sick Chirpse

Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #120

It’s your favourite time of the week.


Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #120

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Con 1


Recently back from a stag in Warsaw. First night, a few too many shots of Polish vodka and a few blank hours later and I’m being woken up by some friendly looking security guards underneath a the stand of a football stadium. God only knows how I ended up there. Explain to these chaps that I’m a bit lost and need a ride back into town to which they agree and tell me that there is a taxi on the way….

Lying cunts, 10 mins later and I’m being frog marched into a police van and taken to the local drunk tank. Where I was incarcerated for over 13 hours to sober up with two of the least savoury individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting/smelling. No food, no phone call, entire place reeks of piss, no toilet seat or paper (thank fuck I didn’t need to take a shit).

By far and away the worst experience of my life, still not mentally recovered two weeks later. Having panic attacks and get very anxious if I’m on my own for more than a couple of hours.

Having done a bit of research I’ve since learn’t that they will bang you up for 12 hours for being the slightest bit drunk and on your own in the street. Just be careful out in Poland fellas.

Con 2

The Archbishop

Anybody graduating this week with a Desmond, don’t worry. I got a Desmond from a shit uni and now I’m on £70k.

Con 3

self destruct set

So it’s 3.05am and I’m still up watching It’s always sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix. The reason I am still up is because I’ve been on a solo crack & smack session. I’m a successful male in my thirties. I have a decent job, car, home etc, and I plod along through life. But I have a dark side; I love crack & smack!!! My colleagues, family and friends have absolutely no idea and would almost definitely be quite concerned. I’m not an everyday user, I can go days, weeks, months without going near any gear, but one day, I just decide I want to get fucked. I don’t consider myself an addict, but when an overwhelming compulsion takes over my reasoned thought there is literally no stopping me which is a source of great confusion to me as that is what I’d call a sign of an addict, however as previously mentioned I can go along time without anything, no withdrawals, no problems. So am I an addict or not? I have spent £100 on crack, £60 on smack, and have smoked it all by myself sat in my pyjamas watching TV. Why can’t i stop?!?!

Because I love crack and smack that’s why. Every sensible, intelligent, mature part of me says this is a bad idea, I know playing around with highly addictive drugs is a really stupid thing to do, but I do it anyway.



My mum walked in on me doing the absolute unthinkable. I was going at it with my cousin. Basically we hadn’t grown up together as cousins but my mum and my sister got back in touch recently. Anyway, they started meeting more regularly and turns out my mum’s sister has a fit son. One thing led to another and one day while they were downstairs drinking tea we were upstairs having sex. I’m so ashamed we got caught and now my mum says I need counselling. I blame her for keeping us apart for so long.

Con 4


I quit my job to follow my dreams and now I have no money, no job and no self worth. Sometimes it’s good to just stick with what you know.

Con 5


I once walked into someones house and stole a bottle of whisky, masturbated then left. Fast forward 8 years and the guy I’m with now? It was his house at the time. and no, he doesn’t know!!

Con 6


I like it when my boyfriend has sex with me on my period then shoves his dick straight in my mouth. I’m not sure why, thinking of seeing a therapist.

Con 7


I just drank a gigantic glass of wine and it’s only 9.36am. If Johnny Depp can do it, so can I.

Con 8


Many moons ago when I was taking steriods and my testosterone levels I almost religiously wanked in the toilets at work. Lucky no one ever caught on I hope.



Just read about the guy who didn’t go back to the girls house and got the text saying thanks because she was drunk and it would have been rape. I can’t be the only one who thinks that’s bang out of order? If you’ve invited someone back to your gaff with the intention of sex and you were game to bang from start to finish of said bang you cant cry rape if you would have regretted it the next morning surely? If I’m misinformed than fair doose but Jesus.

Con 10


I’ve been watching a psychological drama on Netflix called Gypsy during my work hours (I’m bored shitless here). It has lots of lesbian action in it and I was getting so turned on sitting at my desk that I had to go to the toilet and masturbate. This is the 4th day of watching it and even bought my bullet vibrator into work… I wasn’t disappointed, it was so hot! I love my boyfriend but lesbians really turn me on… I think I have a problem.

Con 11


I once lost one of my girlfriends lipsticks up my arse. The things you do when you’re bored.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.

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