From what I gather, boys blanket their minds when it comes to the icky stuff about girls, cause really we’re meant to be sweet smelling and pure and radiant all the time. You lot like to pretend girls don’t bleed, pop off or have bum holes, and the ones that have only defecate rose petals and butterflies. Am I right? Well, probably in the case of the most severely ignorant males who haven’t been harshly educated by the following films. Dudes who live with their girlfriends certainly learn quick smart about the bodily functions of their lovely ladies when they eat the last bit of chocolate at the wrong time of the month and World War Three ensues. I personally think we’ve got it best, for crimson tide sounds a lot less painful than blue balls. If you know of any more period pieces or have any questions about the birds and the bees, tweet me @BrodiSnook.
1. Carrie (1976)
An old-ish film, but it was pretty much the first one to ever go ‘there’, and in the opening scene too. Carrie was the first film adaptation of a Stephen King novel and is basically a supernatural horror version of Matilda, about a friendless, neglected girl who possesses powers and uses them to move shit around and smash mirrors. In the opening scene she gets her first ever period and thinks she’s dying cause her psycho religious Mum never told her about the facts of life. The film goes on and her powers get stronger and then the mean kids pour pigs blood on her at the prom so she flips cars over and brings ceilings down and kills everyone there. Then she goes home to tell her mental Ma who then believes she is Satan and tries to knife her up so Carrie brings the house down on them both and they die to death. I prefer it when Matilda uses her powers to read books and get clever and make pancakes.
You can watch Carrie’s misfortune here.
2. Puberty Blues (2012)
A remake of the 1981 Australian film, this series essentially depicts the disturbing truths of adolescence and what tricks your bastard body will pull on you as you’re developing. Set in the Seventies, it revolves around two inseparable best friends who ‘come of age’ together and fight over like, the hottest guy in school. A standard, mildly racy teenage flick for teenage kids to get their teenage kicks to. Check out this period drama, not helped by wearing a light blue leotard.
3. Dirty Love (2005)
I have always seen this film on the shelf at the video shop and wondered if it would be as shit as it looks. If you’ve ever done the same, I can vouch that it is worse than anything you could conjure up in your mindbox. Starring in and written by Jim Carrey’s ex wife, Jenny McCarthy and a bunch of her under achieving chums like Carmen Electra, Kathy Griffin and a cameo by Sum 41, this film is an assault on the senses with its complete overload of toilet humour. Needless to say it was a critical disaster, not just because of the serious lack of hilarity but for scaring the hell out of eleven year old girls with this overly exaggerated period scene. Note to any eleven year old girl chirpsers, you’ll lose that much blood in a year, if that. Just pretend she’s been stabbed and it will all be okay.
4. My Girl (1991)
From hideously over the top to cutesy tootsey we go. I’ve never seen this film, mainly because it’s supposed to be really sad and also Macaulay Culkin freaks me out with his strangely pink rose petal lips. But this is a somewhat sweet portrayal of that time in a young girl’s life where she realises she’ll lose two litres of blood every month til she dries up in her late fifties. And she handles it well, instinctively getting pissed off with the man in her life.
5. Superbad (2007)
There’s no way that this gory scene in Superbad couldn’t have made an appearance on the list. I like it mostly because it’s not another account of how miserable it is for the gal to have blood flooding from her nether-regions but how utterly horrific it is for a dude to experience it in close proximity. Fiiiinally someone hasn’t been too afraid to joke about period blood in a hilarious revolting way! Usually you have to own it to hone in on it, but seeing the red river make an appearance in the myriad of comic bodily fluids really felt like a baby step for feminism. Certainly the next Seth Rogan flick calls for making fun of thrush, no?