Made in Chelsea has returned for a third series and I’ve never seen it before and now I know why.

If you haven’t seen it before, basically the show focuses on the lives of rich, glamorous types who live in Chelsea, who have never had a hard day’s work in their lives and just ponce around drinking cocktails trying to pretend they’re real people. In the first episode all the main characters have returned having been off skiing, going to Australia and other activities the social elite get up to. This Spencer guy is learning to fly a plane! We then meet the rest of the cast who explain what they have been doing in their period of extended absence. We meet people with stupid names like Hugo, Proudlock, Caggie, Cheska and… Binky (Sound like the names of Teletubbies) who just like to talk about other people’s relationships all the time. That’s it, just who’s going out with who. None of them ever talk about having the shits or anything.

Watching an episode of Made in Chelsea is a bit like listening in to someone else’s conversation and you don’t really care what they are saying. They aren’t particularly intriguing people, the only intriguing thing about them is the way they look. They all look like horses, they all have long faces, noses and big teeth. It’s probably because they are all inbred – the upper classes tend to breed from within. I will introduce you to Ollie who is one of the main ‘characters’.

Ollie is a bisexual PR guy who drives around in an old Jaguar X-Type painted in a Union Jack and he is literally the most effeminate man I have ever seen. He looks like he should be in a German rock band from the 80’s. If this is real and he did have a girlfriend in the past then she must have been a fvcking idiot. Then there’s Hugo who has the vocabulary of a Premiership Footballer, every other word he says is ‘like’ or ‘yar’. An example piece of dialogue would be ‘so like yar totally let’s like go get a cocktail’. He doesn’t believe in cleaning and thinks it boring. Hugo has a girlfriend now and Spencer isn’t happy because they aren’t spending as much time together and they were best mates before she came along. Boo hoo. There is so much homosexual tension between them that they could ending up touching each other’s willies. Mind you Hugo’s girlfriend has massive boobs so you cant blame the guy for spending a lot of time with her. If these people were real then Hugo would have told Spencer to fvck off.

I’m not sure what to make of this programme, I can only describe it as watching what Hitler’s wet dream’s would be like. It’s just packed full of materialistic, arrogant, good looking, self obsessed pillocks who are dead behind the eyes. They don’t have any understanding of the world around them and they don’t seem to contribute anything to society. I’m sure that if a real person with a northern accent was on the show it would cause them to malfunction and their heads to explode like a robot questioning it’s own existence. They spend most of their time attending parties and soirees, in this episode one of them has a breast reduction party! Who has ever been to a breast reduction party?! That isn’t something to celebrate! How can a reality show be so unrealistic? You honestly can’t believe that this is their real life?

What is this show? Is it a docudrama? No it’s a ‘Dramality’ which is a made up term by the producers because it’s meant to be real life but in fact is mostly made up. Before the show starts it says ‘Some scenes created for audience entertainment’ and then it has a ‘Story editor’. So how is any of it real? They should be more honest about it and give them a dialogue editor so instead of just talking shit they might actually say something with some meaning. The names of the characters constantly pop on screen every 30 seconds just to remind you who they are just in case you have forgotten them, probably because they are so forgettable. The best thing they could do to this show is have David Attenborough narrating it as if he was watching a herd of wild gazelles in Africa.

Channel 4 has created a monster by kneeling to the demand of the zeitgeist, competing directly with the equally as appalling ‘The only way is Essex’ instead of trying to do something more original instead of taking a concept and putting it at the opposite end of the class scale to ‘TOWIE’. The show is full of London cliches by constantly filming black cabs, red buses, London landmarks and Union Jacks as if they are desperate for an American production company to take notice and ship it over to the States.

It’s a show that lacks any real sustenance, there isn’t any good acting because they are trying not to act and there isn’t any good dialogue because there isn’t a script (apparently). I mean when they do speak, normally we just hear lots of pop music which takes up 25% of the show. Shows like this never last which is a relief, there’s only so far they can take the concept before most of the better characters leave and people lose interest, much like listening in to someone else’s conversation. I just hope we don’t see more shows like this but I fear we will. Shows like this are ruining TV by preventing original, well written programming making it on to the screen.