There seems to be no end of new internet dating sites being spawned. Such has been my over-exposure to these ads that my impressionable little mind has been warped and I’ve set up a profile myself – Hello ladies ;). A week in and still no replies, I must have sent out like 6 messages! So where am I going wrong? I’ve had people view my profile but that’s it! I’ve come to the conclusion that I have an intriguing face but I’m not the type of man, who on aesthetics alone, you could proudly take home to meet the family.

Here’s what I’ve learned during my brief foray into the world of romance in the digital age. Ladies, Gentleman, here is my five step plan on how to be successful while trawling for love and shit on the interwebs.

1.       Don’t be anything less than 9 out of 10 for looks in the facial area — If I was honest with myself I’d say I’m probably 4 short of this magical threshold. Don’t be fooled if you see people you see who have written on their profile, I’m not judgemental, I’m just down-to-earth, don’t judge a book by it’s cover’ etc. They do mean that they just forgot to tack onto the end…’if you’re attractive.’ If you aren’t attractive but want to give it a go then probably get yourself booked in to go under the knife. If you are attractive then well done, you may proceed.

2.       Don’t be anything more than 90lbs — Similar to above, if you like your sweeties and are not willing to work them off then chances are you’re out of the running. This is another area where I fall down (and when I fall down it isn’t graceful). If you like to eat (and frankly I think there’s piss all wrong with that, that just tells me you’re a born survivor, you don’t want to flirt with death, you’re the king of the jungle) then I’d probably head to the gym for a year or two before setting up a profile (society’s rules, not my own). If you’re in shape then well done, you’re ticking all the boxes thus far.

3.  A sense of humour only get’s you so far/nowhere — I like to think of myself as funny as shit. When I saw this bevy of beautiful women saying all they wanted was a man to make them laugh, well didn’t I just shit a little? But again, see above, they conveniently missed out, ‘…you know, after being hawwwt.’ If you are one of life’s comedians, congratulations (and I mean that sincerely) but I’d probably get points one and two in order first. If you are that attractive that people regularly mistake your looks for being funny (think about it lads, how many fit girls’ jokes have you laughed at, not because they were funny but because the girl was fit and you thought that if you laughed she’d fall in love with you and carry you off into the sunset?) then well frankly you’re beginning to annoy me.

4. Get A Job — I’m between jobs at the moment, that’s not to say I’m not looking, I just don’t have one right now. Avoid mentioning that as a lot of people have trouble seeing the bigger picture. If you’re jobless now then where will you be in a year’s time? Two years? Five years? Ten years? Not just that, not only are you a bum but you’ve dragged this poor soul into a life of destitution, when all they really wanted was to find love…and money. So if you are attractive, in shape, funny (but not really) and earning a bit of money, then you must feel pretty proud of yourself right now! Dick!

5. Lie, Lie, Lie — Here’s my tip for those that don’t meet the criteria of points one through four. Lie. Just lie. Embellish the effing truth. Get your foot in the door. If I don’t get a response soon then my picture is going to be switched with one of Olly Murs, I’m going to have washboard abs, I’ll start making unfunny jokes because I know I’ll get a laugh anyway, and guess what, I’ll be a doctor who moonlights as an astronaut. What will I do when somebody wants to meet me? Well I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. If you are one of those people that doesn’t have to lie…you’re the worst.

So everybody, I hope this gives you a helping hand in your quest to find love. Sure you will have many hurdles to overcome; ugliness, rotundity, being too funny, unemployment and the truth, and you’ll get knocked back a few times but just pick yourself up, dust yourself off start again but this time go for somebody who isn’t such a frigid bitch/bastard. Or failing that, maybe read Sick Chirpse’s very own guide to chirpsing and go out into the real world and give it a shot. It can’t be as bad as getting rejected on the internet can it?

Good luck and god speed.