Everybody loves a burrito right? I don’t know when they suddenly became insanely popular but I think it was around the time when I was living in Toronto because I used to go to Burrito Fresh on Bloor all the time and when I visited my buddy Mianski in Vancouver for the Girl Talk show we went to this joint called Red Burrito and the hottest girl I have ever seen made me a burrito (if you’re reading this tweet me) so I guess it was around 2005/6. Anyway, the number of burrito joints in LDN and all over the country is multiplying all the time and even though Bar Burrito is really crap there are some pretty good ones around like Chipotle and Chillango, even if they’re way more expensive than they should be.
This isn’t a post about different burrito vendors and their relative qualities though (although that is a good idea), it’s about how MTV reality star and pro skateboarder Rob Dyrdek (no, I don’t know who he is either, must just be big in the States or something) has revealed plans to start a new frozen burrito company called Loud Mouth Burritos. And it’s specifically aimed at stoners, which is even better right? In a completely unsubtle marketing campaign, every burrito is 420 calories LMAO. And wait until you get a load of the flavours on offer – only somebody who was completely baked could find them appealing. But first let’s think about the very idea of a frozen burrito.
Now, in theory the idea of a frozen burrito aimed at stoners sounds really cool because when you’re really high there’s no way you’re gonna get off the couch and go into the kitchen and do loads of chopping up and make burritos yourself because well, it’s too much effort huh? And it’s probably even less likely that you’re gonna go to the burrito joint and actually order a burrito because you’ll be really high and sketching out about everyone looking at you and be really slow and embarrassing when he’s asking you if you want sour cream and guacamole on it, and then probably realise that you’ve forgotten your wallet. So yeah in theory, the idea of a burrito that you just get out of the freezer and microwave or bake or whatever sounds great and useful.
But when you actually think about it, it’s fucking gross. Like the best thing about a burrito is that the ingredients are fresh. Freezing the gooey inside of a burrito and then heating it up and thinking about what it looks like and consists of makes me want to throw up. Especially the two flavours (if you can call them flavours) of Loud Mouth burrito that have been released so far: Cheeseburger — stuffed with hamburger meat, cheese, ketchup and mustard … and Pepperoni Pizza — with mozzarella, pepperoni and tomato sauce. Here’s how they’re described on the official Loud Mouth Burrito website:
‘Loud Mouth’s Cheeseburger Burrito is the perfect blend of an American past-time with a Mexican twist. Premium ground beef, melted cheese and our special sauce in a tasty flour tortilla – heaven in your hands!’
‘Loud Mouth’s Pizza Burrito is the perfect snack for any occasion. Our spicy pepperoni and hot marinara sauce will take your taste buds on a wild ride from Italy to Mexico in every bite.’
Heaven in my hands? My ass, it’s a frozen burrito! And these aren’t burrito flavours! Are they even burritos? They sound gross. Like super fucking gross. And they sound like they would be way more than 420 calories. Everything about them makes me want to puke. A cheeseburger in a burrito!? What the hell? I’m not 19 anymore stuff like that just isn’t appealing dude, let me get high in peace and watch music videos, I got over the munchies a while ago.
Having said that all that though, I’m sure if I was 18 again that they would replace Rustlers in my staple stoner diet. Although if Loud Mouth Burritos are specifically marketed to stoners than I probably would have got even more paranoid when I was buying them because everyone would be staring at me and thinking I was high. They would just know I was high, there’s no two wayss around it, why would anyone else be eating that shit? I guess Rob Drydek didn’t think about that huh? There’s definitely a target audience for this kind of gross ‘product’ so in that respect it seems he might actually be on to something, we’ll just have to see how it pans out. – I guess we’ll see in a couple of years if we still know who Rob Drydek is. Or who he is in the first place.
Unfortunately Loud Mouth Burritos are only available at a few 7/11′s in the US at the moment, but with plans to expand well under way it seems like they might make it over here sometime soon. Fingers crossed eh boys? I really wanted to post some pictures of how gross they were but all the pictures on the internet right now seem to be of them wrapped. If anyone picks one up send a picture of the contents over to email@example.com. Thanks in advance.