TAKE ME THERE

So you think you’re a punk?

Mohawk, check.

Lip piercing, check.

Leather jacket, check.

I bet when you leave the house to go collect your dole money you might think to yourself ‘yeah I’m punk a fuck’, but come on, EVERYBODY knows that you’re not a true punk unless you own the ‘PUNK’ CD. Seriously, check it out ya wannabe:

I dunno about you, but when I was in school there was always that one cool teacher who was down with the kidz. Young and therefore cool, they’re loved by all the kidz who see them as a sort of hero or something. That is until the teacher’s caught shagging a sixth-former on a skiing trip in France and sacked not long after. True story. But I’m not naming names, can’t afford to be sued.

There was also always one MILF teacher who I would have fucked senseless. The other teachers, though, were mainly boring and up their own arses and I didn’t really learn much from them because they were so old and boring and made subjects like maths even more hideous than what they already were. I suppose I’d have been like that as well, mind, if my retirement was coming up. Don’t give a fuck about the kidz and talk a load of bullshit in replace of lessons until I can enjoy my retirement watching porn all day and drinking Guinness.

The MILF teacher/s were special though, weren’t they? They were an essential part of your wanking material when you were in school so they’ll always have a special place in your heart. That is, until you bump into them on a night-out in town and either your taste in women has improved or the years haven’t been good to the MILF. The cracking arse is no more and has been replaced by some turtle-like wobbly shell, the cleavage is nowhere near as good as you remember and the face is like some burnt piece of elephant skin. Gutting. All those times you unsheathed the sword for nothing.

Anyway, enough about shit teachers and MILFS that never were. Some teachers are actually pretty funny and can show they’re not all that boring, just like this lot. They’ve been filmed dancing behind their pupils as the pupils give interviews or whatever. Apparently, it’s their response to a video the pupils uploaded of them dancing behind people in school, but the teachers’ video is much better and much funnier.

At times, I was like WTF, dude, surely you must know someone’s dancing behind you but most of them didn’t actually know, apparently, and were kinda embarrassed that they were punk’d, teacher-style. Well, you’re gonna be much more embarrassed now, lad, the video is on fucking YouTube.

Here’s the video. Watch it. If only just to see some guy do a paedo-perve at 1.05. And I sort of wish I had teachers like this when I was in school. Fuck the MILFs (not literally).

Last night we had a chance to get to know some of the worst women in the world, in the Channel Four ‘documentary’  ‘Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys.’

This show revolved around a bunch of young women who call themselves ‘rinsers,’ which means they seek out naive, rich men and pretend they are going to bang them, but then give them the cold shoulder once they stop getting free stuff. They spend the whole episode sounding like really shit escorts, who provide menial small talk with a glimpse of cleavage to old men in exchange for decadent gifts. The old bastards must have blue balls bigger than their wallets after a few dates with these women – they keep turning up with bags of shiny gifts then these chicks bounce after half an hour, before they even get to touch any inflatable tits.

These women are essentially magpies, scouring the earth for shiny objects. In one scene the scouse one, Jeanette, and her group of harpies caw around a new Cartier watch which reminded me of nature documentaries where apes would use sticks as rudimentary tools to dig out peanut butter from a stump. Instead, Jeanette uses her tanned body and fake chebs to dig up a new watch to impress her group of skanks. Plus it occurred to me that it sort of undermines the whole concept of owning expensive things as signifiers of wealth when everyone knows that you got it free from some horny old dude.

Hollie from Mansfield works as a dancer in what looks like the worst club in the world. She explains how she looks for potential sugar daddies whilst wobbling around on stilts wearing clothes that look like a Black Swan Halloween outfit cobbled together using fifty pence. She also moonlights as a ‘financial dominatrix’ – at one point some mug pays her two hundred notes to tell him he is a fat waste of space who makes no money over a webcam while her MUM watches!? Er, what?

Danica (pictured above) was probably the most attractive, although did have those huge stuck on tits I thought died out in the 90′s, like Britpop. Danica is a glamour model for FHM and other shit outdated ‘Lad Mags’ and makes mad ducats on the side without even meeting anyone – for example she charges fifty quid just to speak to her on webcam (where she remains fully clothed). She spends most of the episode making awkward small talk with someone in a car park while sat next to her massive lipped sister, looking like two of Mick Jagger’s forgotten children.

Interestingly Jeanette the one from Liverpool and Hollie the one from Mansfield both had young children. They use this as an excuse for their behaviour, but clearly haven’t really thought this through, I mean how long could this potentially last as an income for their family? What about when their skin looks like an old handbag and their fake tits have slumped down to their belly button? Which rich old geezer with be wining and dining them then? I’m pretty sure they aren’t the only single mums in Britain and the vast majority provide for their kids without pimping themselves out for Jimmy Choo’s.

If you missed it, it’s on 4OD so check it out if you can handle watching programs where you wish everyone on screen was being horrifically maimed.

Like the entirety of the internet, and probably most of real life too, Sick Chirpse was saddened by the recent death of Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, better known to his fans as MCA. Unfortunately the best we could come up with in the form of a tribute was a hastily written column about this time that I went to a Beastie Boys concert and got really high and had a really good time. I guess as far as tributes go it wasn’t that bad, but it’s nowhere near as good as the one devised by Portland film maker James Winters who got his family – mainly his little kids – to re-enact the Beastie Boys famous 1994 video for the hit song Sabotage.

Of course, everyone has seen the video to Sabotage as it’s probably one of the most famous music videos ever. I didn’t know that it was directed by Spike Jonze until now though, although it makes complete sense that it would be as it’s pretty visionary for a 1994 music video. Anyway, Winters had to take some liberties with his re-enactment to ensure the safety of his kids, so you know the guns they are using are fake, instead of high rise buildings they’re in the playground, instead of a briefcase of drugs it’s a briefcase of poprocks, instead of a swimming pool they’re in a kiddie’s paddling pool and for some reason the megaphones are made out of paper and sticky tape rather than being actual megaphones. I couldn’t really work out why they did that except to be extra cute because I don’t think that a megaphone would actually fuck up a kid that much because I mean every time they come out with adults there’s always one idiot that uses it to shout down someone’s ear and they always seem to be OK. I actually have no idea about that – I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a megaphone in real life – I just assume that that is what would happen in these situations.

Anyway, here’s the video. It’s really good. R.I.P. MCA. I also stuck in the original Beastie Boys video to Sabotage underneath so you can compare and contrast it. You can thank me later.

In an extraordinary show of arrogance and retardedness, the already questionable R. Kelly did little to enhance his reputation a couple of days ago by performing a concert that last exactly 75 seconds in Austin, Texas. R. Kelly was set to perform at a venue called ‘The Mansion’ – which it was later revealed to be a strip club nobody had ever heard of that had never hosted a gig/concert before, obviously – in honour of the Mother’s Day weekend in the United States. Yeah, they have a different Mother’s Day to use just to make everything super awkward and confusing if you have American Facebook friends because you’re like ‘WTF, it’s Mother’s Day??’ when you see them updating their status about it, have a brief meltdown and then realise that it was 2 months ago over here and everything is cool.

Anyway, more relevant to this article, who’s Mom wants to go and see R. Kelly on their special day? Oh wait, the event was in Austin, Texas that kind of explains it although I thought everyone in Texas was a redneck Republican, why the hell would they even let R. Kelly appear in their town, let alone perform especially for their mothers? Confusing. Tickers for the special performance ranged from $30,00 general admission (not bad for an R. Kelly concert yo, in fact pretty damn good) to $950.00 for a VIP table which included two bottles of Ciroc (not bad for an R.Kelly…wait that’s an outrageous price, especially when he’s only going to perform for 75 seconds). After keeping fans waiting for almost two hours, R. Kelly finally went on stage at 12:43am Here’s a poster for the event, that gives a pretty big hint that all is not what it seems (apologies for the shitty quality, it was the only one I could find on the whole internet):

Here’s a full run down of the night, lifted from the Austinist:

“Last night, I went to see R. Kelly at the Mansion, a strip club in North Austin, and it was one of the biggest scams I’ve ever experienced. Sure, there were moments leading up to the show where I wondered, “R. Kelly is playing at a strip club I’ve never heard of and general admission tickets are only 30 bucks? That’s almost too good to be true,” but I never expected it to be as worthless as it turned out. Being led into an alley by a hand drawn cardboard sign that promised a “Free R. Kelly concert” and then being beaten with a brick and robbed would perhaps have been more satisfying; at least you could file a police report.

Like most modern frauds, this story begins online with an Eventbrite page selling tickets for “An Intimate Night w/ R. Kelly (Mothers Day Weekend).” Tickets ranged from $30 for general admission all the way up an escalating price scale caste system of VIP and celebrity room statuses to the ultimate baller package of $950 for a super-duper-ultra-pimp-VIP bottle service table accommodating eight people. It was a little odd that the R. Kelly of “Space Jam” soundtrack fame-and-acclaim would be playing a remote strip club rather than say, the Frank Erwin Center, but it seemed plausible. Maybe people had finally lost interest in the plot line of “Trapped in the Closet” and Kells couldn’t pack the house like he used to. I mean, if they’re selling $950 tickets it’s got to be a real R. Kelly concert, right?

My stomach dropped a little when we showed up at a swanky strip club near the junction of 183 and 290 and right past the entrance was a sign proclaiming “NO REFUNDS.” My fellow concert goers and I joked that they were just going to play us some R. Kelly music videos, but once we saw the room we were too excited by the idea of seeing R. Kelly perform up close and personal to really believe this could all just be a rip off. R. Kelly’s legend is so great that Aziz Ansari does a bit where he simply describes going to an R. Kelly concert. And here we were, about to watch the man perform on a stage five feet from us. A stage with stripper poles on it.

Doors opened at 9 p.m. and we arrived around 10. We camped out a few feet back from the lip of the stage and danced to a DJ playing the generic rap mix you’d hear at any inner city middle school prom. We were excited as fuck. Of course, as 10 became 10:30, then 11, then midnight, without R. Kelly live and in person wowing us with his R&B styles, that excitement diminished. From time to time, a hype man yelled at the crowd, “You people ready to party?! You don’t seem like you’re excited enough for R. Kelly to come out yet!”

Sometime after midnight, he starts yelling things along the lines of “R. Kelly is in the building!” We’ve been standing around for hours but we muster all the enthusiasm we can. The strip club staff begins to clear out the VIP room for R. Kelly. Wow, okay, now it’s looking like R. Kelly actually will show! Finally, at 12:43 in the morning, R. Kelly and his posse take the stage to a medley of his hits. Kells grins at the cheering crowd, everyone loses their shit and starts taking photos with their phones, while R. Kelly just stands there smoking a cigar. Then he walks over to the VIP area and touches more hands and stands there. He is not singing. This parade goes on for a worrisome amount of time.

Finally, he finds a mic and sings a very brief a capella ditty. This is followed by a lazy rendition of “Ignition (Remix)” sung over the album version with his vocals still on it. Then after he invites all the pretty ladies to the VIP section to party with him, he moves over there and sits down. It becomes very obvious that this is it; this is the R. Kelly “performance” we just waited hours for. A moment later, R. Kelly gets on the mic again and DEMANDS that pretty ladies come party with him in VIP or “he is going to be up out this bitch.” Up out this bitch? But you just got IN this bitch, Mr. Kelly!

With the VIP area packed to the gills by a flood of ladies – so much for those exclusive hundred dollar tickets, I guess – my friends and I decided this was total bullshit and left. We didn’t pay 30 fucking dollars to party in the same room as R. Kelly’s VIP section.

If you pay for an “intimate night” with R. Kelly and it takes place in a public venue, not in a hotel room with a tarp laid over the bed, do you have a right to expect a musical concert? I believe so. When I go to the zoo, I don’t expect the tigers and polar bears to sing “Bump-n-Grind” for me. Thus, when I go see R. Kelly, a man who is famous for performing music, I don’t expect him to stand there sleepily and have his photo taken. If you are a musician and the event does not specifically say “an appearance by” or “autograph signing” or “LIVE… and drunk and not performing, just sitting in VIP,” I believe the audience has a right to expect an actual concert.

In the end however, what really bothers me is that R. Kelly is a musician supported by fans who stood by him AFTER HE PEED ON AN UNDERAGED GIRL. People that like R. Kelly’s music know he peed on a girl and have forgiven him for it! And then how does he repay that loyalty? By tricking people into buying expensive tickets for a Mother’s Day “concert,” making them wait on their feet for over three hours, and then performing a sub-par karaoke at Beerland rendition of “Ignition (Remix)?” Happy Mother’s Day, R. Kelly. I feel like I just got pissed on.”

Harsh words from the Austinist there. I think to be fair though that people have been advertising appearances such as these at crappy nigth clubs/strip clubs by semi-famous people for years (I remember when i saw Soulja Boy at an Oceana in Nottingham and all he did was dance to his stupid song three times and then hook up with some sluts) and most people kinda get the idea that he’s not actually going to perform all his hits and just kind of BE THERE so that people can do exactly what people were doing in this story – just hanging out in the same room with a famous person, which is pretty much the best gift a mother can ask for right?

So yeah, I kind of think that the person that wrote this is an idiot – like R. Kelly would ever perform in a strip club with a poster as dumb as the one used to advertise it. You dumb bruv?  Here’s a great video of the event with R. Kelly singing about two lines and then heading off to the VIP area whilst the house DJ calls him an asshole. It’s got some pretty cool subtitles on it too, the guy who made it is obviously a bit of a joker.

This video most definitely belongs in the weirder section of Sick Chirpse. The video below is of a bunch of friends sitting around a table and playing a board game that features everybody’s favourite/most hated Dubstep producer, Skrillex. One of the guys lifts a card with Skrillex’s face on as the group begin to play a round called ‘Name 10 Things That Aren’t Skrillex’. Once the timer starts the other team begin to spout off some everyday household items such as toothpaste and pizza before falling into the trap and saying Skillex, thus losing the round. The other team are obviously stoked about this while they shout ‘fuck yeah’ before hitting the (punish?) button on the board. The losing team then go through torture as the sounds of Skrillex’s screechy beats are blasted while the winning team seem to love it, which begs the question: Are black men immune to Skrillex?

I know, I know, we’ve all seen funny vids of stupid animals being stupid loads of times. I know this, I do. But let me put you at ease, I am not easily impressed by this genre of humour. I am a stubborn man when it comes to laughing at our feathered/ furry friends. Of course they will be funny, they are stupid and have no shame, just like Peter Andre, and for that reason we can laugh at them almost constantly if we so choose. But we must be discerning.

The website I want to show you about today has been a constant source of joy to me over the last few months. It’s a humble collection of short clips, hand picked by some sort of mega animal genius, maybe it’s even an animal its self that picks them out, I don’t know, quite probably no one will ever know. The link below is to my particular favourite clip, it answers the age old question of whether Giraffes can do a wheel spin or not. The answer is here:

I know you guys are busy people, but maybe put aside some time one rainy sheizer of a day and watch them all. I mean it. Do it. You will be better of for it. If there was a Grammy for GIFs these friggers would win every year. Check out Animals Being Dicks here.

OK, so if you read Sick Chirpse you probably know that we all love football and you’ll probably agree with us that Sunday was probably the best finale to a Premier League season ever. Of course, the debate probably rages amongst most people over whether it was actually a good thing that Manchester City won the title because they effectively bought it, but I’m sure I’m not in the minority when I say that anyone that finally wipes the smile off Fergie’s face via his own patented method of scoring late late goals is in my good books. I even jumped on the couch when it went in. Admittedly I was wishing that Mario Balotelli had scored it though. And then not even bothered to celebrate. Probably better for everyone that Kun bagged it though.

It would have only been better if QPR and that twat Joey Barton had been relegated and Bolton had stayed up. But that’s fairly inconsequential for me because it was still fucking awesome. So awesome in fact, that my friends over at 101 Great Goals (they’re not really my friends but I nab some sweet videos off them. I kinda wish were friends) collected all the best commentary videos of the goal from all over the world. So yeah, now you can relive Kun’s one two with Balotelli, sumptuous fake past the despairing dive of Onouha and rocket the ball into the net, to the tones of 20 different commentators. You also get to see Joe Hart run around in a circle with his arms out like a plane a bunch of times, which was definitely one of my favourite parts of the day. Anyway, predictable the crazy Argentinian commentators that shout ‘GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL’ a bunch of times then ‘nah nah, nah nah nah hey hey hey kun aguero’ is probably the best, but you know notable mentions have to go to Paul Merson, the French team, the Norwegian guys, the Swedish guys and of course the fan reactions. Check them out below and on the following pages:

Crazy Argentinian Commentator:

Martin Tyler on Sky Sports (I swear you’ll never see anything like this again, watch it, drink it in, after having a Gary Neville style orgasm)

 Ian Darke on ESPN (Who is writing this stuff? OH MY GOD. The team who came back from the dead, this is beyond belief!)

Peter Drury on Fox Sports (Staggering! Just staggering! NB This is probably best for the gasps of the guy filming it.)

Match of the Day (Manchester City winnnnnnnnnnnner. An amazing, amazing day – the likes of which we have never seen!)

This t-shirt is now sold out. If you weren’t quick enough to get one you better be quicker next time!

We posted the above design on Facebook a couple of weeks ago asking if any of you would wear it on a t-shirt, some of you said ‘hell yeah’ and some of you said ‘no you filthy fucks as if you’d get that printed on a t-shirt’. Well we decided to roll with it anyway. We’ve had some test presses done over at Awesome Merchandise and we’re chuffed with how they’ve come out so we’re gonna let you grab what we’ve got (after we keep a couple for ourselves of course). This is a limited edition test print and they’re priced at £20 a pop. We don’t know when we’ll be getting the next batch in (or if we’ll even print this design again) so if you really want one snap it up now.

Peace

Outlook Festival is already well renowned as THE BEST bass festival in Europe and it looks as though this year is set to be no different. In case you didn’t know (but I’m sure you did because even people who don’t like bass seem to have heard of Outlook) It takes place in Croatia at the beautiful location of Fort Punta Christo in Pula from 30th August to the 3rd September and is set to be even better this year. In addition to an already incredible lineup, they have just announced a whole bunch of new acts that will be appearing at the festival that are only going to make the party even more mindblowing.

First up is Lee Scratch Perry. With a career in music that dates back to the 50s, Lee Scratch Perry has had a massive impact on Jamaican culture and beyond. Perry has been the production powerhouse behind some massive names including Bob Marley & The Wailers. During the late 60s his experiments with studio equipment made Perry one of the founding fathers of Dub. Now residing in Switzerland, this influencer sets course for the coast of Croatia for Outlook 2012.

Another wizard in the studio joining the bill at Outlook is a British record producer who has been flying the Jamaican colours since the 1970s. Prince Fatty has not only worked with Reggae legends like Gregory Isaacs but has also dipped into Hip Hop working with The Pharcyde and The Sugarhill Gang. Now working with British talent Hollie Cook, Prince Fatty takes time from the studio and makes his way to the stage.

Fresh from killing it at Redux’s 2nd birthday party,  Trim has been added to the Outlook festival lineup, ensuring the presence of the grime factor in Croatia. Originally a member of east London crew Roll Deep, Trim has made his name ring out across the Grime circuit recently as a solo artist. Trim has backed up his impressive string of mixtapes with recent appearances on productions from James Blake and Becoming Real with his unique flow.

In addition to these many Sick Chirpse favourites – including Juma Phist and Mosca – have already been announced which ensures that the festival is going to be a big one. If there was any doubt in your mind anyway, you can check out the full lineup so far below:

FAT FREDDY’S DROP, SKREAM, ANDY C, JAH SHAKA, MAX ROMEO, PHIFE (A TRIBE CALLED QUEST), LEE SCRATCH PERRY, DIGITAL MYSTIKZ – MALA & COKI, TWINKLE BROTHERS, HATCHA, FRICTION, DJ MARKY, THE BEATNUTS, ZINC, GOLD PANDA, CONGO NATTY LIVE, SCUBA, GOLDIE, KODE 9, JOKER, N-TYPE, PEARSON SOUND, LOEFAH, THE BUG, FLOWDAN & DADDY FREDDY, IRATION STEPPAS, MUNGOS HIFI, GENTLEMAN’S DUB CLUB, ZION TRAIN, SOULS OF MISCHIEF, PINCH, DBRIDGE, CALIBRE, YOUNGSTA, RUDIMENTAL, TRUE TIGER, BODDIKA, ADDISON GROOVE, TEEBEE, CALYX, DISTANCE, BEN UFO, ONEMAN, APPLEBLIM, ZED BIAS, BLAWAN, ALIX PEREZ, ICICLE, MARCUS INTALEX, KLUTE, JACK SPARROW, THE HEATWAVE, CHANNEL ONE, SPECTRASOUL, THE DISCIPLES FEAT JONAH DAN CONSCIOUS SOUNDS + KING GENERAL, REMARC, GIRL UNIT, GUSSIE P, SOOM T, DISRUPT, KUEDO, ROCKWELL, AUTHOR (Live), PLASTICIAN, CHEFAL, TRIM, ROSKA, MOSCA, KRYPTIC MINDS, SUBMOTION ORCHESTRA, SERIAL KILLAZ, STAMINA MC, YT, GEORGE FITZGERALD, THE PROTOTYPES, QUEST, DARKSKY, MARCUS NASTY, PANGAEA, AKALA, NAVIGATOR, SP:MC, VIVEK, LENZMAN, BROTHER CULTURE, OBF, MICKEY PEARCE, BLACKS, TUNNIDGE, MENSAH, JUBEI, XXXY, DUB PHIZIX, STICKY, ILLUM SPHERE, BROKE’N’£NGLISH, PHAELEH, EARL GATESHEAD (TROJAN SOUNDSYSTEM), ONRA, BLUE DAISY, SEVEN, STAND HIGH PATROL, RSD, CYRUS, KIDKANEVIL, HINT, FANTASTIC MR FOX, FLAKO, DISCLOSURE, T WILLIAMS, THE FOUR OWLS, JACKY MURDA, ANT TC1, MC DRS, LIONDUB, J:KENZO, OCTANE & DLR, SERUM, ELIPHINO, LX ONE, MC CRAZY D, OSSIE, JAMIE GEORGE, MATT U,  ARIES, DIGITRON, DANMAN, ELGATO, REGGAE ROAST, CHIMPO, MC LOWQUI, MC AD, COMMODO, BIOME, HYETAL, RUCKSPIN, PLANAS, BUN ZERO, RIDDIM TUFFA, JAY 5IVE, STEPPA & KITCHA, DISMANTLE, STRATEGY, ALTERED NATIVES, CHARLIE DARK, SKITTLES, DAUWD, BALKANS HIFI, DUB BOY, LURKA, DJRUM, RICH REASON, MANTMAST MC, ALBY DANIELS, INSPIRATIONAL SOUNDS, GORGON SOUND, DJ FU, TOAST, VITAL TECHNIQUES,  ADAM PRESCOTT, HYPEMAN SAGE, G DOUBLE, THINKING, LUD DUB, EARTHPIPE, FINWA.

Of course, Sick Chirpse will be heading over to check out the festival and if you want to join us here’s a summary of the essential information, but you’re probably better just heading over to the official Outlook Festival website and checking that out.

Outlook Festival Ticket: £135 + bf (18+ only, ticket covers festival entrance only) // Dual Weekender, Outlook & Dimensions Ticket: £230 + bf (18+ only, ticket covers festival entrance only) // Boat Party Ticket: £20 + bf // Camping: Starting From £36 + bf // Sunshine Bus Return Coach from the UK: £175 + bf

I’ve been told that the event looks like it is going to be sold out by the end of May, so if you’re serious about going you had better look at snapping up those last few remaining tickets right away.

Now that Is Anyone Up has disappeared from the internet, you might be wondering where it’s possible to look at personal pictures of women which you are able to judge and then rate from your laptop. Well look no further, I present you with Guess Her Muff.

This blog asks you to guess what kind of va-jay-jay a random lady will have by providing a clothed picture in an ordinary everyday situation. But instead of this mental image being held captive in your mind forever, you are provided with the answer. A graphic image of the aforementioned chick with her snatch out is just a click away. Apparently this blog is intended to ‘break down preconceptions’ that you may have about people, and by preconceptions, they mean assumptions made about what someone’s fanny looks like.

Reminiscent of Is Anyone Up, Guess Her Muff allows people to judge the quality of the nakedness in a handy rating system. If the random woman has a great looking ham wallet you can vote them into the ‘Hall of Fame,’ where all the most classic flaps are displayed.

This website is just on the right side of misogynistic, plus it’s funny and it’s easy to waste half an hour guessing that a random lady has a shaven haven only to find she has a glorious 70’s bush. What’s crazy is this blog has been going since 2008. That’s the year the first Iron Man film came out. Also it’s worth mentioning I know quite a few girls who find this blog absolutely jokes, so it’s not just for males. Men like vaginas and women have them, this website has endless appeal.

An aspect which makes this blog different from Is Anyone Up is however is that anyone who finds a picture of their whispering eye staring back at them can get the photo taken down with a simple comment. Also the comments are moderated to make sure no one is too mean, or posts any personal or contact information, which is all good considering that Is Anyone Up was pretty abysmal on a moral level by providing that stuff. Have fun guessing!

It’s quite hard to ignore a band like Purity Ring as they have become the hottest buzz band for numerous blogs and websites around the world for the past 12 months. Plus, if your favourited by Pitchfork then you’ve pretty much made it. It’s not all hype though from this dark electro duo, the songs that have popped up have been very good. It’s like the kind of music you would put on if you were having a rave in a graveyard (a grave-rave?) or when the K comes out at 6AM. Somehow the sweet, gentle tones of lead singer Megan Jones work so well with the menacing, brooding beats of Corin Roddick making it feel like a soundtrack for a Grimm fairytale. Purity Rings much anticipated debut will be released in July.

Sounds a bit like: Crystal Castles, The Knife, Salem

Buzz-meter: 9/10

Strong coffee not moving your bowels in the morning? Just watch this video instead.

Set at the top of the CN Tower, this video shows a guide taking a team to the top of the tower and making them perform some really sweaty palm moves. The experience is called the EdgeWalk and although everyone is strapped up and no doubt 99.9% safe, it still makes me say FUCK THAT under my breathe while watching it.

Would you do it? Is it worse than what these guys have to do?

Dracula: everyone’s favourite goofy lothario. Enjoyed by millions across the world as a blood thirsty, pervy murderer. Kudos to you Bram Stoker and all of your Transylvannian tales. It’s just a story of course, but a neurologist with the wonderful name of Dr Gomez-Alonso has a theory explaining why the legend of vampires has stayed with humans, quite possibly since prehistory. The good doctor had been watching a vampire film when he suddenly realised the similarities between Vampires and the symptoms of rabies. Yes rabies.

Apparently, 25% of rabid men have a tendency to bite each other, they are also hypersensitive to light and smell (e.g. garlic), Gomez says: “Men with rabies … react to stimuli such as water, light, odours or mirrors with spasms of the facial and vocal muscles that can cause hoarse sounds, bared teeth and frothing at the mouth of bloody fluid.” The rabies victims don’t sleep well due to the disease frigging with the bits of the brain in charge of sleep/wake cycles, hence associations with night stalking; and a rabid bite from a human, like a vampire’s, can pass the affliction on, making some sense of that part of the vampire story.

We will never know whether we can blame rabies for vampires, but it’s a nice, neat case. Gomez did his homework and found from history books a correlation between early tales of vampirism and outbreaks of rabies in the Balkans. For instance in 1721-1728, a bitch load of rabies exploded out in Hungary- at around the same kind of time vampire tales started to rear their minging heads. The association of vampires with wolves and bats can also be explained by the fact that these creatures are incredibly susceptible to this particular disease and can receive/ spread it about.

The good Doctor also chirped the following: “Hypersexuality may be a striking manifestation of rabies. Literature reports cases of rabid patients who practised intercourse up to 30 times in a day.”

Maybe it’s not all bad then?…..

By now you probably know what The Voice is, even if you haven’t actually seen it because it’s all anyone ever seems to be banging on about on Facebook/twitter at the weekend. If by some miracle you haven’t heard of it though, you can check out a Sick Chirpse article on it right HERE to get you clued up. If you don’t want to read it then basically The Voice is some reality show on the BBC where the judges don’t get to see the people they’re judging, you only hear their voice. What a Unique Selling Point huh?

Anyway, even if you do know what The Voice is and how huge it is over here, you might not know that it’s also huge ALL OVER THE WORLD. Including Australia, where bizarrely the judges include people that have absolutely nothing to do with Australia like Seal and the lead singer of Good Charlotte. Are Good Charlotte a huge deal in Australia or something, how in the hell did he land that job? Is he even a good singer? I mean Seal sure, obviously he has a good voice, but the singer from Good Charlotte? The only reason I can think that they would hand him this position is due to his status as a vague celebrity. And probably because he was available because Good Charlotte don’t do anything anymore. Lifestyles of the rich and famous I guess.

This isn’t an article about the selection process for the judges on The Voice though – although that would probably be quite a cool article in itself – this is about Seal’s insane reaction to hearing people singing on the show. It is pretty much the equivalent of him having a wank on the show. He moves his hand in the same motion, the look of ecstasy on his face is and the way that as the contestant sings higher, he just gets louder. You might think that this is an exaggeration – check out the clip below though and you’ll see it’s no fabrication. I wonder what Seal does when he gets kissed by a rose? Ok I’ll stop now, enjoy the clip.