The cute, chubby, beardy fellow we know from Hangover (and more importantly other things that isn’t the Hangover), is a bloody lovely chap.

Turns out that back when he was fairly unknown, he made friends with a laundromat volunteer named Mimi. Like something out of Bored To Death, he made good friends with her while frequenting the laundromat on a regular basis.

He lost contact with Mimi and moved on. Unfortunately, during his success Mimi met some bad fortune and lost her home, but she was lucky – Zach found out and got back in contact. He treated her by renting a one bed flat, and paying the rent + bills. Fucking A.

He also occasionally takes her to red carpet events, where she claims people often mistake her for his ‘girlfriend’. WHICH IS GODDAMN LOVELY.

She still works at the laundromat, as the eccentric old woman she is, making people smile on a daily basis. This is wonderful. Look, a happy article. Smile guys, go on. It won’t hurt.

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You ever tasted ramen? It’s supposed to be pretty awesome but to me it sounds really basic and doesn’t come across as something you’d wanna chow down on and it’s like something that you were made to eat as a kid, but you actually hated the stuff and only ate it so you had a bit of leeway and were allowed to stay up past 9 and watch the sex scenes on the telly with your mam and dad.

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I mean, ramen is just noodles with meat or fish broth slopped over the top and I stopped eating things with faces ages ago so I wouldn’t wanna eat this stuff anyway, but for such a simple dish it’s really popular and is – apparently – cracking to ease a hangover. Still, though, each to their own and the simple things are the best sometimes so ramen could be as good as it’s made out to be. This picture doesn’t help the case at all, though.

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We regularly check out the coolest and weirdest and most disgusting things that are happening in the food world, as we’re all fat and wish Gordon Ramsay was our dad and mostly everyone enjoys eating unless you’re Nicole Richie or the Olsen twins (they used to be fit though, right?!) so our stuff about food is always well-received by you lovely bastards. Shit, I’m even eating as I’m writing this and the chances are that you’re probably filling your faces, too, which goes to show that Sick Chirpse is like a beacon to eating, much like own-brand Spar cheese and onion sandwiches are a beacon for diarrhea.

☛ Worse Than Spar Sandwiches: We Check Out More Of The World’s Most Disgusting Delicacies

And this is another cool/weird/disgusting piece of food for you. It’s by the same guys who were behind the burger with 1000 slices of cheese and the burger with 1,050 strips of bacon so, much like their other stuff, it involves a bloke slamming food down him and the food being ugly, humongous and looking like something you’d find in outer-space. This time, the bloke – known as Mr. Sato, who’s the same bloke in all their videos – faces up to a beast of a ramen burger which is a new addition to the Japanese fast-food chain, Lotteria. This burger contains 10 big servings of ramen which are sandwiched between the bun and a pork fillet. The ramen looks like over-sized string from a swollen zit.

As all Chirpsers are well aware, Washington State has created a legal market for recreational marijuana, only themselves and Colorado have taken this monumental leap. There are 20 states in all that have already legalised it for medical use but these two states are the trail blazers for the fun side of its effects. This new push for large scale crops brings up a new dilemma that I hadn’t considered: what do you do with the excess stems, roots and leaves? Yeah, you could bin it or compost it, but surely you don’t want to waste these green nuggets of joy do you?

Susannah Gross, a local farmer, ran an experiment recently to see how it would do as animal feed. She sourced the plant material from Matt McAlman, a medical cannabis grower. She fed four sibling piggies the new super chilled food and the other six in the litter got their normal snacks. The four that got the good shit for the last four months of their lives put on an extra 20-30 pounds compared to their brothers and sisters – so even pigs get the munchies.

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Legally, the rules are fine with this type of usage of left overs, and the lucky folks who got to try the meat said it was more “savoury” – whatever that means. It opens avenues to feed all of the beasts of the field, there will be chillaxed cows and chonged out chucks all across the US of A. Beautiful.

There’s no scientific literature that covers whether THC is passed into meat or eggs after an animal consumes it, but my gut says the pig roast won’t get you high. But there’s always hope…..

As a little aside, I also learned today that marijuana grows as a shrub in Bhutan and it was always fed to their pigs to fatten them up. No wonder they have such a low crime rate. It was only after the introduction of TV that they learned of its other rather more entertaining uses.

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BOOM! That was the sound of Xbox throwing down the gauntlet with the newly announced Xbox One (that’s the official name). The launch of the new Xbox was today and it’s looking pretty good, if you want to view the website to have a look just click the link here.

If you’ll remember yesterday we sent up a post about Sony sneaking a preview of what the new console is going to look like for this years E3. Maybe they did this to try and throw Xbox off their game and get some publicity. No! said Xbox and in their launch that kicked off at 6 o’clock in the UK- they showed not only their new console, controller and Kinect, but also all their new features and a ton of the big games announced for the new Xbox One. It was a metaphorical “What else you got?” to Sony.

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The first of the announcements was that the Xbox is named the Xbox One, not Orbis or 720 or something like that. I imagine that they were going for a ‘We’re number one!’ slogan as a clever marketing ploy and it sort of works; I mean PS4, bitch please.

The main theme that Xbox announced was that they were going to completely change the living room into one seamless entity. The announcer stepped in front of the camera and gave a cool sounding  ‘Xbox on’ line and the Xbox immediately recognised him and started his personal profile.

With the use of the Kinect Camera you can control your TV, Xbox, Skype, Internet and ESPN with gesture, voice or controller. Xbox announced a range of fancy internet and TV features. But it was the speed at which the announcer could switch from right in the middle of a film to right in the middle of a game that was impressive.

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This is done by the three operating systems in one that make up the Xbox ONE: Xbox OS, Kernal of Windows and a layering system that allows instant switching between the two. The Xbox is said to have 8 gig of RAM and a Blu Ray drive and claims to run almost silently, with Xbox proclaiming that it’s also futureproof.

This step into interactive TV is set to make the TV inseparable from the Xbox and with big names like Sky already invested in Xbox you can expect big things from these developers.  The Kinect was also announced to come with the Xbox ‘free’ so this might have an impact on how expensive the console is.

Games Announced

1. Announced by EA: Fifa 14, NBA, Madden NFL and UFC. These are all big titles and they look good, but sports games aren’t renowned for being the peak of gaming technology or gamers games’ which also made me think that Xbox are leaning to more multiplayer tournament style games, rather than individual player experience but we will see.

2. Forza 5, looked pretty good, but has always been used as a showcase game.

4. The guy at Microsoft studios announced 15 new titles in Xbox One’s first year. Eight of which are brand new franchises.

6. The Final Big Release was Call of Duty Ghost, a game that  spent 10 minutes showing us ‘new’ game innovations that other games have been doing for years – leaning around corners is not new, neither is sliding: Call of Duty you embarrass yourself.

7. Xbox One will be released later this year.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a Best New Tumblr Find (probably something to do with those jerks at Yahoo!, right?) and it’s been absolutely ages since I’ve written anything about juggalos and the Insane Clown Posse so it’s great that I can combine the two in this article after I stumbled onto juggalos of Ok Cupid earlier today.

I’m not sure if it’s better or worse than Goths on OK Cupid – both of them are definitely unique and expose just how retarded and weird certain subcultures can be – but I think the juggalo one might just be better because juggalos tend to be complete meathead morons whereas goths just tend to be completely weird and funny looking. I guess it all depends on which one you think is the funniest out of those two opportunities for hilarity though. For me, it’s juggalos. That might not be for everyone however, and I can appreciate that sure.

Maybe when you’ve seen a few of these pictures of juggalos taken from juggalos of OK Cupid though you might feel a bit different about the whole thing though. The tumblr is set up really nicely so you get a picture of the juggalo – which would be great on its own – and a couple of choice quotes from their profiles around their pictures. It works REALLY well, as you’ll see below.

Some of these are completely mental and I don’t really understand how anyone would think that writing this kind of stuff on a dating site is actually going to get you a date with anyone. I mean telling people that you’re into midget lesbians having sex with obese people, or that you’ve taken the Disturbed lyrics test, or that you’re on meth in your display picture aren’t exactly ways to get girls to fall at your feet are they? Or maybe I’ve been doing it wrong. Unsure.

No I think I have this right. I mean maybe if it was solely a juggalo dating website then yeah, you could probably score a date but on a real dating website? I’m not so sure. Surely juggalos only wanna go out with each other – I mean someone who isn’t a juggalo probably isn’t gonna think it’s real cool that the put clown makeup on all the time and spray each other with Faygo –  and it can’t really be that hard to find other juggalos right? Just head to the nearest ICP show. Or if they’re not touring then one of the other terrible bands associated with that kind of music. Or if that doesn’t work wherever anyone scores meth because it’s almost guaranteed that a juggalo will be hanging around there.

Anyway, check out all these juggalos on OK Cupid and laugh about how stupid they are. It seems like there’s always someone worse than you at online dating. If you want more of this good stuff then head on over to OK Cupid Juggalos. It rules.

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Everyone has probably heard about the tornado that swept through Oklahoma yesterday and killed almost 100 people and injured thousands more and left a bunch more homeless, and I’m sure that everyone agrees that the tornado completely sucks and it blows that this has happened.

If you missed it earlier check out this video that we posted of the tornado in action – it’s some pretty scary stuff. I mean I thought Twister was a sick movie back in 1995 or whenever it came out, but there is no way that I would ever want to be anywhere near as close to a tornado as the guys in that video. No way.

Even though pretty much everything to do with the tornado has bummed everyone out, this awesome story has helped to slightly ease the pain and suffering that has been going over there and inspire a bunch of people over here because it really is one of the most heartwarming scenes you’ll ever see. Thanks to all the people that have sent it in to us today.

It plays out like the end of a movie where half of the audience would be in tears. I think I said that something else I wrote about on Sick Chirpse last week was the feel good story of the year but I think this has it beat hands down.

This old woman called Barbara Garcia was being interviewed in the rubble of her old house after it had been destroyed during the tornado – ‘I was sitting on the stool holding my dog. This was the game plan all through the years, to go in that little bathroom (together). I rolled around a little bit and when it stopped I was right there (and) that stove cooker is what I saw. I never lost consciousness and I hollered for my little dog and he didn’t answer, he didn’t come, so I know he’s in here somewhere.’

As she was giving the interview though, a member of the camera crew spotted a dog’s head poking out from underneath the rubble and the pair were emotionally reunited live on television. It ruled, and hopefully there will be a load more stories like this emerging over the next couple of days of people being reunited with their loved ones. I doubt that many of these reunions will take place on live television though unfortunately for us.

You can check out the video below:

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I haven’t heard of Francois Gissy before but it seems like he’s a complete and utter badass if this is anything to go by. I don’t know why he decided to do this or whether he does this kind of stuff all the time or what, but it’s cool and pretty awesome.

He basically decided to hook up a hydrogen peroxide rocket to his mountain bike to try and break the record for how fast someone had travelled on a mountain bike, and he absolutely smashed it. When the video first begins you’re like ‘whatever dude, why are you wearing all the protective gear, you’re not even going that fast’ but then you leave it a couple more seconds and the bike totally razzes it past a sports car that is driving along the road (incidentally this happened in a field in somewhere called Mulhouse in France) and then you’re like ‘woah actually, that is pretty fast. Sickhead.’

Francois Gisset managed to completely smash the previous top speed on a mountain bike as he got going up to 163 mph (243km/h) which is pretty freaking fast. I’m kinda surprised that a mountain bike would even be able to handle having its wheels turn round as fast as that without them burning off but it looks like they were fine. I’m pretty impressed that Francouis Gisset managed to keep his balance and not fall off the bike as well. It’s clear he’s pretty much a badass though anyway so maybe that isn’t actually that surprising.

Check out the video below:

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Here at SC we’ve been trying to get down with physics recently, there’s only so many Justin Bieber posts you can write before you want to snap your own fingers off and jam them in your eyes. It turns out that writing physics posts makes you want to snap your brain out and jam it in your eyes instead though, so I’m not sure we’re helping ourselves…. or you. Anyway, today’s brain cruncher is quantum physics, another one of those phrases everyone’s heard but no one really gets. Not even physicists really get it. Richard Feynman, physics champion extraordinaire, is quoted as saying ”If you think you understand quantum mechanics, you don’t understand quantum mechanics”. Another illustrious thinker Niels Bohr said: ”Anyone who is not shocked by quantum theory has not understood it.”

That’s a pretty terrifying start if you’re a numpty like me. But lets give it a crack shall we? I’ve got literally nothing better to do.

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Quantum physics, quantum theory and quantum mechanics mean the same thing. Just so you aren’t put off by me changing them around willy nilly. So what is it? Well, classical physics deals with molecules and forces and their interactions, like an apple falling on your head or a moon moving round a planet. Quantum physics deals with the smallest of the small, atoms and sub-atomic particles, and once you get down to the level of these tiny bits and bobs things start getting very strange indeed.

In the early 1900′s physicists realised that standard physics no longer explained what they were seeing when they mucked about with the smallest elements of the universe. Something needed to bridge this gap, that bridge was quantum theory.

One of the biggest things to come out of this new theory was the uncertainty principle, also known as the Heisenberg principle. This frustrating principle basically says that if you measure one aspect of something, you can’t know any other aspect at the same time. How annoying. The more closely you pin down one measurement (like the position of a particle), the less precise another measurement of the same particle (such as its momentum) must become. It’s sort of paradoxical really.

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To give another example of one of the major oddities that needed new science to explain it, here’s an outline of some of the original experiments in the field of quantum physics.

The Double Slit Experiment

Yes, it sounds a bit dull but this experiment is the basis of quantum shizzle so it’s worth hearing about. There’s lots of variations of it and you’ll have to use you imagination a bit, but I think we’ll be OK. So, you get a bit of card (or wood, or metal or whatever, it doesn’t matter) with two slits in it. In front of the card you have a “gun” which fires whatever you are using in the experiment towards the card. Behind the card you have a detector that detects whatever it is you are going to fire through it. Here’s a diagram:

The first example – you cover one of the two slits and fire a gun through the slit in to the wall behind. Unsurprisingly you get most bullets near the centre of the slit, if you cover up the other slit and try the same thing you get the same pattern but behind the other slit. When you open both slits and fire you get the sum of both of the first experiments, i.e. more bullets near the centre of the slits and then less as you go further away.

Nothing weird there. Now you try it with waves, so your card is submerged in water, you make some ripples with both slits open and you you get wave interference as the waves interact with each other beyond the card like this:

Nothing weird there either. The waves are long, so each wave goes through both slits and then interferes with itself on the other side. At the detector you get a number of points where the height of waves is bigger, rather than just two masses like with the gun. Fine. OK.

Next we try this with something in the quantum size range – electrons, which are charged particles that make up the outsides of atoms. They’re discrete units, so you would imagine they would behave like bullets. BUT NO. The quantum bogey monster strikes. They behave like waves and interfere with each other. That confused everyone so they thought: well, what if we just fire in one particle at a time? One electron will go through either slit and hit the detector in one place, the next electron will go through either slit and hit one place. That way they shouldn’t be able to interfere with each other and steadily build up images on the detector like the bullets. NO. WRONG. They still interfere with each other, it’s as if they have gone through both slits at the same time and interfered with themselves!?

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So to check that’s what is actually happening, you put up a detector on each slit so when each electron goes through a slit, it lights up so you know whether it’s gone through one or both of the slits, and they found…. it does go through just one slit at a time but now the results look like the bullet experiment!? WTF. So maybe the light is interfering with the electrons and changing their behaviour? To check, they turn down the light on the slits so that it doesn’t interfere with the electrons. Because the light is now at a lower intensity some of the particles being tracked go unnoticed, but some are still picked up. What we see is that the particles we did manage to follow acted like bullets, and the mother fuckers that slipped by undetected act like waves?? Just the simple act of watching the particles move changes the way they behave.

Mental. What they gather from this is that what you find out when you are looking at tiny particles, is only relevant to the experiment you have just done. Quite frustrating really. Anything you find out may well be completely different if you do something as simple as stop measuring it or measure it differently.

How do the big brains of modern physics explain away these weird tricks? Well there’s a few different schools of thought and the most popular at the moment is:

The Copenhagen Interpretation

This interpreation in a nut shell is something like this: if it looks like a wave it is a wave, if it looks like a particle it is a particle, and you can’t ever be sure which it is until you measure it. In fact, you can’t even be sure it exists at all:

“Nothing is real unless it is observed.”

Well, that’s given me a headache and I still don’t really understand it. At least the physicists don’t really get it either. Right, I’m going to knock out an article about Justin Bieber’s belly button now….. phew…..

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A while ago we did an interview with the lads from Gnarwolves, one of the UK’s hardest working punk bands right now, and hailed by many as “proof that pop punk isn’t dead”

Well the other day we were lucky enough to get our hands on their new record a month before its official release on the 17^th June via Tangle Talk Records.

The track ‘Limerence’ has been doing the rounds on various music magazine websites and as usual is kicking up quite the frenzy, check it out here….

We can now happily report that the record is worth the hype. It’s as no holds barred as everything that has come before, but with the same thoughtful tone throughout.

The opening track ‘Melody Has Big Plans’ roars in with signature howls and the familiar sound of cracking skateboards, it’s everything we’ve come to expect from the band and more, with signature Gnar breakdowns and gang vocals a plenty it’s a firm introduction to a rip roaring record.

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The follow up, ‘Tongue Surfer’ is a track begging for audience participation. Gnarwolves’ gigs have become synonymous with a ridiculous amount of crowd surfing, and Tongue Surfer is another track that demands just that along with a screaming sing a long chorus that’ll leave audiences straining to find their voices days later. We managed to catch the lads play in Brighton and they ended up getting thrown out and banned from the venue for causing too much of a riot. It was great.

‘Limerence’ is the rest bite of the record, it’s the sort of track that brings round that “Saviours of Pop Punk” moniker. For those that never completely let go of the punk music that they grew up with like our fellow Chirpser Will, it’s the song that takes you back and reminds you how emotive and fun music should be……

☛ Europe’s Biggest Punk Rock Shin Dig - Sick Chirpse Goes To Groezrock

But before you get too sentimental the final track of the EP comes banging in, “High On A Wire” is the brash end to another spot on release from Thom, Charlie and Max. It’s reflective, but forceful in delivery and with building crescendos it leaves you wanting more, but never unsatisfied, just enough to keep you wondering what they are going to do next.

Gnarwolves have a great skill of producing records that you can’t help but want to see live, their energy is consistent and enthralling, and a decent back catalogue has awarded them with a loyal following. No doubt when this record is released the audience will know every word by their very first gig.

They’ve just finished touring with The Story So Far, but as usual they have more gigs lined up:

May 25
 Leeds University Union
 Leeds, UK

May 26
 University of Hertfordshire / Hatfield Polytechnic
 Hatfield, UK

May 27
 The Civic Hall 
Wolverhampton, UK

Jul 04
 Electric Ballroom
 London, UK

Jul 11
 Upcote Farm
 Cheltenham, UK

Jul 20
 Sound Control
 Manchester, UK

Jul 26
 Redfest 
Redhill, UK

Aug 02 
Mouldridge Lane, Pikehall 
Matlock, UK

Aug 05
 The Underworld 
London, UK

Aug 07 
Waterfront
 Norwich, UK

Aug 08 
Rock City 
Nottingham, UK

Records available here -

http://gnarwolves.bandcamp.com

In an attempt to piss on Xbox’s parade, the cheeky chaps from Sony have released a teaser video showing glimpses of what the highly anticipated Playstation 4 will look like.

With today being the official launch of the Xbox 720 (we’ll be covering that as it happens), Sony decided that they would get the internet all excited by giving them some actual footage of their 4th gen console just 24 hours ahead of Microsoft’s big reveal.

With press, gamers, geeks and GTA players all being rather disappointed after Sony’s press conference in February, a little more is now known about what the PS4 will look like: it will be black and it will probably look like all of the other Playstations.

WOooowowowoOWOooowow.

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Tornadoes are oxymorons. They’re beautiful things, but are really ugly at the same time. Beautiful because, well, just look at ‘em. They’re true testament to the cosmetic force of nature and are pretty mesmerising and fascinating to watch – from your armchair, anyway. The way they just blurt out of the sky, crash, spiral and pirouette down to the ground and dance arm-in-arm with the clouds really is something you’ve gotta see at least once in your life – even if it’s an internet video. But they’re pretty ugly things as well, you know, with the amount of sheer destruction and hysteria they cause. People die because of tornadoes, houses are lost, cars destroyed, animals killed, money wasted.

☛ Check Out This Tornado: Bring Forth The Fire Tornado

The closest I’ve ever come to a tornado is watching Twister on the old VHS, or my arse after a session on the Guinness on Friday night. To be honest, I wouldn’t really wanna come close to an actual tornado in real life because I don’t enjoy having cars and sheep and houses thrown at me but watching them from the comfort of your own hot rock ridden bedsheets clears the hangover right off and makes for pretty intriguing viewing.

☛ Another Hangover Cure: Croque Madame

Carney, in Oklahoma, USA, recently had the bad luck of a tornado ripping through the place, and two fearless gladiators caught it all on film for us. The footage is immense and it’s hard to take your eyes away from the screen in case you miss something, especially after the 6-minute mark. These guys must be, like, the non-fiction equivalent of the Twister characters and I know, for one, I wouldn’t wanna venture as close to the tornado as they did. Kudos to their huge balls.

☛ More Huge Balls: Headcam Footage Of Skier Ripping It On Slopes Before Getting Busted By The Cops

This tornado was part of several that cut through Oklahoma on the weekend and they caused significant damage to the southeast side in places like Carney. This included knocking trucks off the highway, damaging cars and homes, and destroying part of a mobile home park. While writing this post 91 people have died so far. Sick Chirpse sends our best wishes to our fellow chirpsers over there, in Oklahoma.

So Norwich City have revealed their new home kit. And so what, right? Why would you give a fuck about Norwich City’s new home kit?

Turns out it’s one of the best/worst things I’ve ever seen, and I personally hope other football clubs follow Norwich’s lead.

Thankfully it’s not the overly serious ‘gay Avatar porn’ that was Chelsea’s new kit teaser.

John Terry looks particularly terrifying, like he probably had his way with the photographer after the shoot was finished.

Instead Norwich’s feels brilliantly amateur; featuring some of the worst ‘acting’ I’ve ever seen – although the music is pretty good and I’m sure you’ll be humming it for days.

Check it out below:

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Did anyone watch Eurovision on Saturday? I didn’t, cause I was talking codshit to randomers at a house party in Brixton till the sun rose. However, Finland’s entry popped up on my facebook feed and here’s a few reasons why I thought it was one of the shittest things I’ve ever heard/ seen.

The song is called ‘Marry Me’ and it was performed by Krista Siegfrids, a 27 year old singer from Kaskinen, a town in Western Finland (nice one Wikipedia). She appeared on stage in a wedding dress with a 90’s style all girl backing dancer troupe. The song itself was completely banal pop punk mixed with wedding bells, who reckoned that was a good combo? Krista’s pitching was off and the register felt too high giving it that scratchy, annoying timbre.

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The lyrics were point blank bad and more than a bit questionable, including: “oh oh, oh oh, oh oh a ding dong” and “I don’t think there are no ladies that would give you cuter babies”. I thought the days of women being validated in society for being cute lil’ baby making machines were over, but maybe not. Another gem was “I’m your slave and you’re my master”. Really? “Skipping dinner to get thinner/ Where is my proposal?” was the icing on the lyrical shitcake though. You don’t need to be Joan Smith or Laurie Penny to find that one particularly disturbing.

Some interesting facts I picked up purely from Graham Norton are that the song was composed as a hint to her boyfriend. Subtle work there Krista. And it got the Eurovision show banned in Turkey cause two girls kissed at the end… Oooh edgy!

According to the Daily Mail, (sorry literally the only source I could find who had reported on this) she was making a statement about Finland not allowing gay marriage despite another quote in the same article from her saying: “I don’t think the song is political”. This left me even more confused so I gave up. Make your own mind up below:

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How pissed would you be if you went to a music awards show and some R&B singer named Miguel dropped a Hulk Hogan-esque leg drop onto your head?

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That’s what happened to this unfortunately positioned girl at the Billboard awards last night. Up and comer Miguel was super hyped up during his performance and thought he’d try jumping from the stage and over the crowd. He mistimes it somehow and ends up delivering a picture-perfect version of Hulk Hogan’s old finisher on the girl’s head, and possibly takes out another girl in the process as well.

I think for a split second you see the “oh shit!” look on his face, but then he just carries on as if nothing happened, like an old pro.

Check out the video:

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Remember Alex Song? Had a good season at Arsenal last year and got himself a transfer to Barcelona where he’s barely played and been a peripheral character all season? Yeah that’s the one, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t remember him though as you barely ever see him on the pitch anymore.

But yeah, Barcelona were celebrating another league title win last night and there was a presentation of the trophy and everything. Obviously the trophy was handed over to the captain Carlos Puyol to begin with but he then ran over to his teammates to pick someone to help him lift it. For some reason Alex Song thinks that Puyol has picked him – I don’t know why he would think it was him, it’s not like he’s been the main man for them this season or anything and nothing else noteworthy has happened to him – and he starts rubbing his hands with glee as he anticipates raising the biggest trophy of his career so far.

Unfortunately for Alex Song though, Puyol wasn’t picking him – I think everyone in the world had probably realised that except Alex Song – and was instead picking Eric Abidal to raise the trophy with him. This makes a lot more sense as Abidal had had a liver transplant earlier in the season, so it would be a ‘nice touch’ to have him raise the trophy with Puyol. The look on Alex Song’s face when Puyol pushes him out of the way is priceless. I just love how his face turns from ecstasy to despair within about half a second. It’s great.

Check out the video below:

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I don’t know how many of you have seen this, I think it went viral a while back but I’ve only just found it; and Jesus Christ. This guy is either clinically depressed and values his life as much as North Korea value logical democratic relations with the western world, or he’s just insane. Like literally mental asylum warranting insane.

I found this video on YouTube whilst procrastinating for uni exams, and was so shocked I almost chocked on my pro plus and red bull and died of cardiac arrest.

☛ More Sick Waterslides: Backyard Water Slide

This Bruno Kammerl guy builds a huge home-made waterslide and must fly about 100 metres before ending up in a diddy paddling pool at the end. The people that placed that paddling pool must have a PHD in physics or something because the odds of getting that right are slim to none.

Once he climbs out, he seems to think this is all pretty normal and doesn’t realise he’s just come very, very close to breaking every bone in his body and being in an incomprehensible amount of pain.

I have no idea what possessed this lunatic to do it, but he’s definitely got balls of steel.

☛ Ridiculous Waterpark: Tropical Islands

We’re throwing a big party at the end of May to celebrate the universal fucking off of exams. (Full details)

Whether you’ve just finished your finals at the end of a 13 year medical degree at Manchester University, or you’re pretty confident you’ve nailed that coveted Level 1 Plastering Diploma spot at Stockport College, we all share the same little “fuck yeah” to ourselves when we step out of that exam hall.

In an attempt to bring all of your smug grins and worriless swaggers together we wanted to arrange for everyone to get down to the Urmston Hotel to join in with the Smartphone Quiz Party because it’s “so simple to play and loads of fun and it has a buzz and a really lively atmosphere that a regular pub quiz just doesn’t have.” They really mean it when they say, “It not garlic bread but it is the future and it’s here now so pop along and be part of tomorrow’s world today!”

But then we realised that it’s all played on Wi-Fi and we got all bummed out because Lazer Horse goes a bit mental around Wi-Fi so one of us would have to tell him not to come and no one wanted to step up.

So we’re switching to plan B instead – presenting a bunch of our favourite DJs and producers right now for you all to enjoy at the Deaf Institute. Still trying to unite all walks of Chirpse life, we’ve booked a load of guys representing all different styles of party music. Naked Swing and We Are Wolves are gonna be filling the bar with hip-hop all night while Letrekk and Tom Vernazza are gonna be having a house vs. disco fist fight in the basement (oh shit, I’m not supposed to talk about that).

Up in the attic Tâches will be blasting his awesome, weird garage/house kinda sound before DJ Q spins his raw, punchy and unmistakably British 2-step and bassline.

But sandwiched between them is gonna be Shift K3y. I’m not gonna lie, I hadn’t actually heard about this guy before Tourist told me he’d booked him, but it turns out that was completely down to my ignorance and nothing to do with this guy being small-time. In fact, he’s sort of blowing up right now. Borgore started backing him towards the end of last year, but in the past few months he’s started flying.

Annie Mac presented this naughty little number to the world in January:

Before Mistajam picked him up and plonked him on his prime time Radio 1/1Xtra show. Completely unfazed by being thrown onto the big stage so quickly, he came up with 25 minutes of seamlessly weaved carnage:

Then he made this. Can I get a “viiibesss”?

So in like 6 months he’s gone from being given an hour by his mum before he has to plug in his headphones so she can go to bed, to being given an hour by Speakerbox to fill the floor for Benga:

Here are some links to his Facebook, Twitter and Soundcloud.

May 30th is shaping up to be pretty big. Grab your £5 ticket here: http://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Manchester/The-Deaf-Institute/SICK-CHIRPSE-presents-DJ-Q-SHIFT-K3Y-TCHES/11874096/

OK for those of you who don’t know: a while ago KFC was accused of cruelty to their chickens. Among the claims were stories of the cramped crowded conditions, the way the animals were slaughtered – even accusations of biologically altered chickens were thrown in for good measure. The internet, being the apparent way to make or break a company nowadays, went mental. The main post that flew around was that KFC was no longer called Kentucky Fried Chicken, but was now called KFC because what they were cooking wasn’t technically chicken any more. So KFC responded with a video.

The rumours gained some momentum and then the celebrities started to weigh in. Most notably Pamela Anderson, Sir Paul McCartney, His Holiness the Dalai Lama and the Rev. Al Sharpton. Some big names, obviously they all work for PETA and are vegetarians so it’s kind of biased as they have never tasted Colonels. If you would like to look at the video it is at this link here.

☛Check This Out: Woman Claims Fried Chicken Makes Her Orgasm

Now I want to be as fair as possible. This isn’t a rant or a hate speech. A lot of people commenting on the video brought up the issue of a Halal meat, personally I don’t find that a problem; Chicken is chicken no matter how you slice it. But I thought it best to give both sides of the argument. So PETA as well as some other hippies, I mean activists, have released an attack on our much loved KFC (just kidding).

KFC stands accused of cramming birds into huge waste-filled factories, breeding and drugging them to grow so large that they can’t even walk, and often breaking their wings and legs. At slaughter, the birds’ throats are allegedly slit and dropped into tanks of scalding-hot water—often while they are still conscious (although there is no way to tell). PETA alleges that KFC’s own animal welfare advisors have asked the company to take steps to eliminate these abuses, but KFC refuses to do so.

☛ The Other Side of the Story: KFC Chicken Isn’t Even Made From Real Chickens

KFC’s response to this, after much deliberation, is this video.

So KFC has denied all the allegations. It has confessed to keeping the chickens in warehouses, and systematically killing them in a sort of chicken holocaust. Obviously this is all within the law and they have admitted that some KFC restaurants cater for people who eat Halal meat, to comply with EU regulations. KFC has shrewdly shown a video of themselves manufacturing chicken from live animal to mini fillet with no fowl play (geddit). If I’m honest the way companies handle criticism, compared to the way that activists get their information seems a lot more honourable.

Verdict: I pronounce KFC innocent for the following reasons:

1. KFC is some of the best chicken in the world. (Sorry Nando’s)

2. PETA are irritating.

3. I don’t like videos designed to shock or provoke a reaction for the purpose of curving my opinion. Evidence and hard facts win arguments.

4. Charities such as PETA have a necessity to stay in the public eye, so starting a rumour/conspiracy theory would probably work in their favour.

5. PETA chose Pamela Anderson to be their spokesperson? You’ve got the Dalai ‘freaking’ Lama, use him!

6. KFC handled the matter professionally.

7. PETA presented a lot of information and video footage, with no supporting evidence apart from what was listed.

8. KFC is tasty.

9. Does anyone care? They’re chickens. If they were the top predator, you would have to wear a helmet to protect you from the beaks.

10. You don’t fuck with the Colonel. (Military honours)

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OK, so I kind of missed the point and let this article slip towards the end. But hopefully you see my point. I’d rather not know how it’s cooked or slaughtered, I just want to eat chicken. There are horrific atrocities happening all over the world from the smallest ant to the biggest whale, and it is our ability to empathise like this that makes the tough choices, like the mass production of food, more difficult for some. In other words to enjoy KFC chicken you have to slaughter chickens en masse. It’s not pleasant and I can understand why people are against it, But there is a very good reason. Chickens are slow and they are stupid and that is why we eat them. Let me put it this way… have you ever tasted tiger?

This photograph is of a building damaged by a twin bomb blast of Reyhanli in Hatay province, a town that’s just a few miles from the main border crossing into Syria.

The guy who took this must be getting mad props from his bosses back at the Reuters office. Looking at it you’d think photojournalism might actually be a pretty awesome career-path if you overlook the niggling risk of getting blown to pieces depending on which war-torn country you end up in that week.

It is completely not cool to make light of the situation in Syria, calling it grim is an understatement but nothing I can say is going to make things any better. Therefore, when bombed buildings bearing uncanny resemblance to scenes from the 90’s music video for ‘When You’re Gone’ surface I am naturally obliged to point it out. Maybe if they all chilled the fuck out over there and listened to more non-offensive 90’s pop/rock they’d mellow and stop blowing each other up all the time.

I’m not going to post the actual video on Sick Chirpse at risk of lowering our street cred but I will direct you to it here so you can still appreciate some sultry Canadian tones. We can only hope Syria is watching too.

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People who cheat are shit, everyone knows that. It’s really hard to like somebody who’s cheated because that aspect of their personality sorta makes you wary when you’re around them; if they’re ready and willing to cheat on their other half then what are they willing to do to their friends? You can’t trust ‘em and it’s only a matter of time before their selfish needs ruin friendships. That’s why you always see your mate’s ex-missus, who cheated on him, with a different, diverse bunch of friends all the time who are mostly losers. She can’t keep a relationship, she can’t keep a friendship, she can’t keep her legs shut. Simple as. We all know one.

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But people who shag other people’s partners, in full knowledge they’re not single, are shit people as well. Even if you know the relationship isn’t going well, keep your cock in your boxers until the relationship’s over and the rubble’s settled and then crack on it like rabbits. But not when you know they’re in a relationship, that’s just plain not decent and is a sure-fire way to lose friends and respect.

And this woman learnt the hard way.

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29 year old Zimbabwean woman Chipo Sibanda – who’d developed a pretty nasty habit of seducing and sleeping with married men – woke up on Wednesday, 15th May, to discover that her vagina had seemingly sealed shut and she couldn’t pee. Hours before this terrible ordeal, Chipo had messed the sheets with the husband of Mai Tawanda (a woman known in the Matshobano surburb – where this event took place – as an unforgiving soul) and instantly thought Tawanda had placed a curse on her or it was an act of God. Either way, the vaginaless woman went to Tawanda to apologise and beg for forgiveness for her vagina to be unsealed.

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Upon asking Tawanda, Chipo was instantly beaten to the ground (Tawanda had previously warned Chipo to stay away from her husband – Chipo must have some killer chat-up lines) and continued to be beaten for 3 hours where, according to sources, Chipo didn’t utter a single sound. I dunno why she didn’t scream in pain or whatever but it seems Zimbabwe is a pretty trippy place to be at the moment. After the 3 hour beating, a source close to Chipo said that:

“She was set free 3 hours after the beating. She made a promise to Mai Tawanda that she would never see her husband or even come near him. That is when she was told to go to the toilet and check if her organ was back.”

☛ On Another Note: In Space No One Can Hear You Shit

Upon checking in the john, Chipo’s fish mitten was restored to full working order. And she’s vowed never to mess around with married men again:

“I am sorry to all women I have wronged. It wasn’t my intention to break their marriages. It (the disappearance of her organ) was so scary and the thought that I couldn’t piss was frightening. I could feel that my bladder was full but I couldn’t do anything,” she said.

Who needs ecstasy in Zimbabwe, eh? Shaggers don’t, that’s for sure.