I want you to know that it took courage to research and write this, Chirpsers. I am scared shitless of doing a die, and now I have found out a further thousand ways in which one can end up in an eternal dirt nap situation.
If, like me, your thoughts about death were limited to getting hit by a bus, stabbed by chavs or contracting AIDS, you are sadly mistaken. I’ve now turned into a combination of Meryl Streep’s character from A Series of Unfortunate Events who doesn’t let people touch the door handle in case it shatters into a million pieces, and the dude in Benchwarmers who wees in a bottle and thinks the sun is evil. A chef once died when he was stabbed by a piece of flying spaghetti. If that’s not enough to make you wrap yourself in cotton wool and bid the light of day goodbye, read on and then poke your own eyes out. If you’re as hideously perverted as us and have any to add to the list, let us know in the comments.
1. DEATH BY TOILET BRUSH
72, of Buckinghamshire, died after she slipped in the bathroom and impaled herself on the toilet brush. It went straight through her eye and 17cm into her brain. It’s unknown whether she died instantly; she was found when neighbours phoned the police. This is a cautionary tale; dispose of your dunny brush immediately or alternatively, never go for a poo again.