Not content with shoving jagged packets of drugs inside their anuses and waddling painfully through customs, hoping to the great almighty that the sweaty beefcake in uniform who’s been eyeballing them doesn’t up the ante and treat them to an unsolicited prostate massage too, some crazy Mexican drug dealers have broken tradition and created a massive cannabis cannon that fires 13kg cylinders of weed right over the U.S. border.
Police in the Mexican city of Mexicali discovered the device, which consists of a long plastic pipe attached to a metal tank which uses compressed air from an old car engine to send the precious packages sailing over the border fence. The whole incredible creation is then slapped on the back of a pickup truck to make it mobile.
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I’m sure you’ll all agree this is pretty fucking cool. Personally though, I don’t think cannabis should have all the fun. Why can’t the cannon be used to facilitate other equally important solutions? Small children could be fired from one side of a busy road to the other, so as to avoid the obvious danger of making a child cross a busy road. Initial testing could be done using sacks filled with offal and marinara sauce, to eliminate the chance of dead babies whilst creating a realistic effect if an accident was to happen.
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The next logical step would be to utilise the gun in a more varied capacity. It could be filled with litre upon litre of fresh testiplasm and fired into the waiting wombs of wannabe surrogate mothers on an industrial scale; or the gun could simply be used in place of your normal household toilet, so you could fire the contents through your neighbours’ open windows to make sure they never try to socialise with you when you’re busy walking down the road thinking about how awesome cannabis cannons are.
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In fact, I’m going to perform all my daily tasks with the help of a cannon from now on. I’ll let you know how I get on.