Riding a bike is pretty cool. I mean, it’s cheaper than owning a car and you don’t have to worry about the petrol light flashing on when you’re in a monster of a traffic jam and you also don’t have to worry about your radio being nicked unless you’re a wannabe Rasta and have chained a boombox to the handlebars or something. You can also bring your bike into your place and not have to worry about waking up in the morning with your bike propped up on bricks with the wheels rotting in some minging dickhead’s flat, waiting to be traded for a few baggies of white.
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Another good thing about riding a bike is that you don’t have to rely on public transport. And that’s a good thing, because we all know how shit that can be. Buses running late and stinking of old men’s bellends covered in nob-cheese, the seats still warm from the last occupant’s farts, the floor saturated in sick, spit and waste from the world outside and peoples’ incessant drawls of over-exaggerated self-worth, are part of every bus journey and it’s no surprise only the very desperate, the very old or the very cheap use buses more than anyone else. Train journeys aren’t much better. Chewing-gum stuck to the backs of seats, drawings of bulbous cocks etched into the windows, over-inflated prices – that are the equivalent of 3 pints – for a 45-minute journey and conductors who look like they just want someone to slit their throat. It can all get too much and it’s no surprise that, once you use public transport for an elongated amount of time, you become an angry recluse whose only contact with the world is writing anonymous posts on a pretty popular website.
You have your own space on a bike, too. You don’t feel obliged to give someone a lift when they mention they’re walking home tonight or that their car’s in the garage and you don’t have to wait for your bike’s windscreen to warm up in the cold mornings, either. You just jump on, button up and go. So, a bike is a better option than any other form of transport in my mind. Apart from jetpacks or time travel or a spaceship. You may take longer to get where you want to be but who cares? You look like a boss on your bike, everyone else looks like spare pricks and you can make yourself fit by cycling to work, rather than drive in like the rest of the fatties you share the same office with.
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But there are times when riding a bike isn’t so cool and this is one of them.
A bro in China was casually riding his bike to school, burning rubber on the pavements and flicking to gear 5 with a simple swivel of his thumb and easing to a stop with a small squeak of the brakes and his bike gleaming in the Chinese sun with the anticipation of another day at school and another day of chirpsing all the fit girls, when suddenly the seat bent backwards and the metal rod connecting the frame to the seat was horribly exposed. The Chinese bro was oblivious to this, as bros only concentrate on what’s ahead of them, so he sat back down – on what he thought was the seat – and the rod penetrated his little poop-hole and got stuck there like a Transformers tumour.
The rod couldn’t be removed, which meant the whole bike was stuck inside the Chinese bro and even when firefighters arrived at the scene, they couldn’t remove it all so he was taken to a hospital in an ambulance with some of the bike still stuck inside him. Could you image the pain? The hemorrhoids? The piles?! When he got to the hospital, though, the doctors showed their degrees and wages were worth it and they removed all of the bike without the Chinese bro suffering any sorta serious injury. Apart from an arse burning 10x worse than the effects of a night on the Stella and a tray of vindaloo to wash the Stella down.
Check out the video, it’s enough to make you attach two seats to your bike.